When Good Dreams Go Bad

Hello love! I've started doing Sacred Journey posts every Friday. It's a place to vent about your week, share the things that filled you with so much joy that you just can't keep it to yourself, ask for hugs, for love, for understanding. I have a bottomless Well of those things for you.

Especially the hugs.

It's also the place where things get really deep and personal for me. Most of my blogs about my personal life have a theme, a lesson, or bit of advice and I love that I can take those experiences and provide you with wisdom from them. However, there are other life experiences that leave me just as lost and clueless as everyone else. 

The Sacred Journey posts are where I show up and share my journey. 

I talked last week about how I went and saw the Avengers and I had a great time. I went into the movie drooling over Mark Ruffalo aka the Hulk (I've loved him forever) and I came out with a huge crush on Hawkeye. I'm a bow and arrow kind of girl (ask me about my obsession with Legolas) and Thor and Iron Man... just... the hotness.

A few nights later I had a dream, and it was a very nice dream.

It starred my very own Captain America.

Not my first choice, or second, or third, but he's a pretty good looking man (eye candy for you). In this dream he took me out on a date and it was wonderful. He was dressed all nice, went to dinner and he was polite, thoughtful, and well-mannered. When I got upset about our friends ditching us for the double date he put his hands on my shoulders and he was comforting. He was calm and stable and pretty wonderful. Great traits to have in boyfriend.

Except that in reality those traits scare the beejesus out of me.

During my first/last/only relationship, it really wasn't possible for us to go out on dates. In the two years that we were together we never went out to a restaurant together or really spent any significant amount of time together. A few days after having this dream I realized that thinking about it no longer gave me that happy/goofy "I had a dream about a cute guy" feeling.

It made me frustrated and sad.

And I know why.

I'm not going to be that girl in the dream.

I have commitment issues. I have gigantic commitment issues. I can commit to friends, to my job, to this website, but I can not commit to another person in a romantic way unless they are unable to commit to me back. Then it's "safe".

I've been that way since I was a teenager. The thing is, the thing that is most frustrating is, I don't think I want to change. I don't think that I want to go through the all of the inner work of getting over all of those issues and it leaves me feeling strange and left out of "normal". It's not how I am "supposed" to be. People are "supposed" to fall in love, have relationships, get married, and live happily ever after.

All in all, a very sweet dream left me feeling grumpy because I wish I wasn't this way, but I also don't want to change. So what's a girl to do?

Go back to having dreams about zombies, hopefully.


So tell me sweetheart, what's up with you this week? What are you up to? What are you reading/thinking/dreaming?