Lessons of the Labyrinth (the movie)

One of my all time favorite movies is the Labyrinth. When I was young it was everything that I wanted in a movie. I identified with the main character so much, after all, who hasn't felt like their parents just aren't fair? Who hasn't wanted an escape? Who hasn't thought that life was just full of unfairness? When I rewatch it now, I am struck by some of the wonderful life lessons throughout the movie.

Lessons that I can identify with and see in myself, especially right now when life seems so danged unfair.

If you've never seen the movie (and don't want to go watch it RIGHT NOW) let me tell you a little bit about it. It's about a teenage girl named Sarah who is transported to a strange world by a Goblin King, in order to save her baby brother, who she wished would be taken by the Goblin King in the first place

The greatest theme throughout the Labyrinth is personal responsibility.

At the beginning of the movie you see Sarah out in the park rehearsing lines from a play. She realizes what time it is and has to hurry home to babysit her baby brother, something that she resents even though she doesn't truly have anything else to do. When she realizes that one of her stuffed animals is missing and her brother Toby won't stop crying, she gets quite fed up with her situation.

"I wish the goblins would come and take you away! Right now!"

She leaves the room and abruptly her brother stops crying. Concerned, she looks in on him only to realize that he's gone. The Goblin King appears and Sarah realizes her mistake and asks for her brother back, but the Goblin King, Jareth, tells her that she can't take it back. "What's said is said." If she wants to have her brother back she must go through the Labyrinth in order to retrieve him.

Even though Sarah would rather spend time with her books, plays, stuffed animals, and getting lost in her imagination, she realizes that she must be the one to save her brother. It's her responsibility.

For the first part of the movie Sarah runs into different creatures expecting them to help her just because, regardless of the fact that she hasn't done anything to deserve it. She has such a sense of entitlement and believes that even though she put herself in the situation, other people should help her out of it.

I've been guilty of this. It took me a long time to realize that I was responsible for my feelings and actions. I would blame other people for how I felt, for not making time for me just because, for not reading my mind when I wanted something. I'm forever learning that my feelings are owned by me and my actions are my own and no one else's. Good lesson, sometimes it's hard to make it stick!

Life is not fair.

Sarah also has to realize that life isn't fair. She keeps getting upset because the rules keep changing and she doesn't understand why. She's trying to do the right thing, she's trying to make up for her mistake, but everything keeps going wrong while she keeps expecting that everything should go her way. It's a hard lesson for her to learn, but when she realizes that life isn't fair it marks a time of growth for her. She realizes that she has to fight for what she wants and not just expect that life will treat her fairly.

I can't count how many times I've said "It's not fair." in the last few weeks. It hasn't been fair, but there's very little I can do about it. What happens, happens, and I can either whine and complain about how life isn't being fair, or I can find a way to deal with it, try to make it better if I can, and move on.

Things aren't always what they seem.

The labyrinth and the creatures within it are never what they seem. Despite the dark look of the labyrinth, it's alive with different creatures. Beautiful fairies are evil, huge furry monsters can be great friends, helping hands aren't always helpful, sometimes warnings point the right way, and most of all you can't judge something just by what you see on the outside.

I am guilty of letting my first impressions last longer than they should. Sometimes it's hard to look past what you see on the outside to discover what's really deep down inside. This also applies to YOU, you aren't always what you seem either. There are things inside of you that you haven't even begin to discover yet!

In the end you've just got to believe in yourself.

Sarah gets her brother back in the end because she refuses to let the Goblin King have power over her. She realizes that she is strong and brave and that she is ultimately just as powerful as anyone else. It all lies within her, all she has to do is acknowledge it and believe it.

"For my will is as strong as yours, and my kingdom as great — You have no power over me."

What childhood movies have held the best lessons for you?

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Back to Boundaries

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about boundaries and Kim's post yesterday brought those thoughts even more to the forefront of my mind. A lot of tests to my boundaries have been taking place lately and ohmyfreakin'goodness do I have trouble with it.

I am a reform(ing)ed people-pleaser. 

I like making other people happy at the expense of my own happiness. I like saying what other people want to hear. It's hard for me to say no and it's hard for me to argue. (I'm getting better, I swear!)

One of the worst instances of this happened about seven years ago. I filed a sexual harassment complaint against someone I worked with. I was twenty at the time and he was probably in his fifties. He never really talked to anyone and he always gave me a creepy vibe. He was constantly invading my space. Getting way too close to me, and when he brushed pass me several times with his groin brushing my butt it became something that was completely unacceptable.

I went to management about it and then had to meet with a female manager that I didn't know. I told her about the situation and then she asked me some questions like:
"Well you're a very friendly person maybe he was just trying to be your friend."
To which I replied with an "No."
"So you don't think he's just shy and trying to find a way to talk to you?"
To which I replied with an uncertain, "Well I don't think so..."
The questions kept coming and making me feel like I was wrong and that I wasn't saying the "right" thing so eventually I relented and agreed that maybe he was just trying to be my friend.

Trying to be my friend by inappropriately touching me. Yeah. That made sense.

That moment still haunts me because I gave up my power to someone else and I still haven't forgiven myself for it. It still makes me furious that I did that. It makes me sad that I didn't have enough faith and confidence to say that it was wrong and stick to that. A few days later I talked to someone else about it, stood my ground, and the guy was fired, but I was still stuck on the fact that if my friends and family hadn't pushed me to do that, I would've let him get away with it.

Right now I am finding my boundaries challenged in less traumatic ways. Whenever I come across resistance with my boundaries I think of how I felt after that day and I realize that the cost of sticking up for my boundaries is way less than the cost to cave in.

If I would have stuck up for myself it would have made me feel uncomfortable in the moment, it would have made me feel anxious to disagree with someone that intimidated me, but I guarantee you I wouldn't still be torn up about it seven years later.

Sticking up for your boundaries probably isn't going to be fun in the moment, it may even make you feel terrible and like a horrible person, but when you embrace your power to say no, to say this is how I deserve to be treated, to say that what someone is doing to you is not okay, you create a better future for yourself.

Embrace your power to control how the story ends. [[Click to tweet!]]

It's hard, it sucks, especially when you feel like you're the only person fighting for you. It gets easier. The more you stick up for yourself the easier it is to realize that you're worth it. That you matter and so do you boundaries. Don't let people make you uncomfortable. Don't relinquish your power because you are too scared to use it. Know that you are worth the time, the effort, and the energy of standing up for yourself.

Don't let others take advantage of your love, your body, your time, or your energy. You don't have to put up with it. Even if you've let people push past your boundaries before that doesn't mean you have to keep letting it happen. At any time you have permission to stop it. Let today be the day that you enforce your boundaries. Let today be the day you choose you.

How do you deal with people encroaching on your boundaries? How do you feel after sticking up for yourself? What happens when you allow someone to invade your boundaries?

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Meditation With Loran's Heart

Hello there sweetie! Today's post is from a very special guest: Loran from Loran's Heart. Here's why I adore her. I first met her on the Goddess Circle last year. She was running a weekly Self Portrait/Journaling prompt project and I enjoyed jumping in, becoming comfortable with taking my picture, and answering really insightful prompts that made me think. It was an important part of my journey, I really admired her Buddhist inspired wisdom and it inspired me to research Buddhism myself. Today Loran is going to tell us a little bit about her thoughts on meditation.

There are as many kinds of meditation as there are people.  It can be complicated or better yet, simple.  Science has been able to document the beneficial effects of regular meditation.  I’ve discovered a few benefits from my own practice.

What are those benefits????
Leads to a sense of calm.
Enhances the immune system.
Increases serotonin level and influences mood and behavior
Helps reduce stress
Ultimately attain enlightenment

Almost always the first thing anyone says about meditation is:  “I can’t quiet my mind!”  

The important thing to remember is that the mind chatters, processes, and thinks thoughts.  Efforts to stop the mind are futile.  The trick is to watch the mind without attachment to see where the story line is headed.

For instance, you light a candle and sit.  You think I must be quiet now and you are for a second.  Then you start wondering what to fix for the next meal and whether or not you have the ingredients and if you have to go to the store that means taking a shower and doing your hair.  Oops.

Return to sitting.  One of the easier beginning techniques of meditation is to count the breath.  Count the breath in ten times.  Count the breath out ten times.  Count the space between the in and the out breath ten times.  It gives the mind something to do and it helps train you to focus on one thing, the breath.  If you can, spend a few minute focusing on your breath without counting after the three cycles of ten.  If your mind wanders, gently bring it back.  If you lose count, start over.

The most helpful advice I think I can give is to love yourself while you are practicing meditation! 

Don’t beat yourself up if it’s difficult.  You can sit in a chair.  You can lie on the floor.  Five minutes at a time to begin with is fine.

Subtle changes, slowly, over time

Did you know that when Sharon Salzberg tried to explain low self-esteem to the Dalai Lama that he did not understand what she was talking about?  Can you imagine it?  No concept of self-loathing, negative self-talk or harmful behavior?

By Sharon Salzberg

"What do you think about self-hatred?" I asked when it was my turn to bring up an issue for discussion. I was eager to get directly to the suffering I had seen so often in my students, a suffering I was familiar with myself. The room went quiet as all of us awaited the answer of the Dalai Lama, revered leader of Tibetan Buddhism. Looking startled, he turned to his translator and asked pointedly in Tibetan again and again for an explanation. Finally, turning back to me, the Dalai Lama tilted his head, his eyes narrowed in confusion. "Self-hatred?" he repeated in English. "What is that?"

All of us gathered at that 1990 conference in Dharmsala, India-philosophers, psychologists, scientists, and meditators-were from Western countries, and self-hatred was something we immediately understood. That this man, whom we all recognized as having a profound psychological and spiritual grasp of the human mind, found the concept of self-hatred incomprehensible made us aware of how many of us found it all but unavoidable. During the remainder of the session, the Dalai Lama repeatedly attempted to explore the contours of self-hatred with us. At the end he said, "I thought I had a very good acquaintance with the mind, but now I feel quite ignorant. I find this very, very strange."

One of the many things I like about writing blog posts, guest or otherwise, is that there is usually an opportunity to create a learning moment.  It’s not something I can explain other than to say that it’s an uncontrollable urge.

---

Loran is a travel guide on the spiral journey of life. Her business, found at Loran’s Heart, is filled with journaling prompts, nature photographs, and inspirational products to help others grow personally and spiritually. You can find Loran on Facebook and Twitter.

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39 Things You Need To Know In 2012

2012 is here and as 2011 ended I found myself contemplating the things that I have learned in the past year. It was a hard year, it was a great year.

I spent the majority of the beginning of the year in deep grief over lost friendships. The deterioration of the friendship was like losing family, and like losing a piece of myself. It made me question so much about who I was and my worth to everyone around me.

As we go into 2012 there are some soul-lessons, pieces of wisdom that I want to share with you. 

I want us to take hold of and embrace in the new year. Read them. Believe them. Print them out or write them down. Let them sink in so that you know them as truth.

1. You are beautiful. I don't just mean physically, I mean inside of you. That light that you have inside of you that is unique... Just the fact that you are here, that you are reading this, means that there is a spark inside of you. A spark of love, of magic, and magnificence. That can't be hidden, it shines out of you.

2. You mean something to somebody. There might be times when you feel like you're alone, or when you feel like all you do is screw up, but that's not the sum of who you are. Someone out there loves you. Really, really, loves you.

3. If you believe in yourself, miracles will happen. I am living proof of this right now. You can dooooooo eeeeet baby!

4. Find a way to be artistic. This is soul-medicine and lets you speak without words. And if your art IS your words, well that's cool too.

5. Be truthful, with yourself and others, it will make your life a lot easier.

6.You are not unattractive, unintelligent, unworthy, get rid of all of those pesky 'un's and realize you're pretty damn amazing.

7. You know that thing that you don't like about your body? It doesn't make you any less beautiful.

8. If something doesn't make you happy, let go of it, and find something that does. You aren't obligated to stick with it, find what makes you happy and hold on for dear life.

9. It is okay to have boundaries. You don't have to be there for everyone all the time. This doesn't make you selfish, it means you care enough about yourself, your wants, and your needs to do what is good for you.

10. Don't worry about what anyone else thinks. What makes you happy is for you, you have to live with yourself, so don't let anyone else effect what makes your heart soar.

11. It is okay to tell people "no". It is okay to stand up for yourself and speak out when someone is not treating you the way you deserve to be treated. You don't have to take it, you don't have to accept it. If you need permission to stand up for yourself I'm giving it to you right now.

12. If you aren't ready to deal with "it" today. That's okay. You don't have to fix your issues today, you don't have to confront your fears today. It's okay to wait until you're ready. You'll know when that is.

13. No one has the right to make you feel uncomfortable in your own skin. Whatever your body type is, as long as you are okay with it, don't let anyone else make you feel like it's not okay for you to be happy with how you are. It totally is.

14. Realize that it will get better. Maybe not today. Maybe not even tomorrow. But it will get better.

15. Sometimes you need to feel sad and hurt. I know this, I believe this. Yet, sometimes those emotions grab you and pull you under until you can't breathe, until you are seconds away from drowning. When it reaches that point you have to loosen your grip a little. You have to start letting the pain go.

16. There is so much limitless potential just waiting quietly inside of you. Do you hear that? Limitless. Think of all of the things you could do if you just acknowledged that all of that was inside of you right now.

17. There are treasures inside of you. Even in your darknesses, there is good that can come from those places.

18. You can become better, greater, than what you ever thought you could be. You just have to want it bad enough, believe that you can do it, and love yourself enough to do what it takes.

19. No one has the right to put you down and if they do, then you have the right to tell them to stop.

20. Don't get so lost in trying to be someone else that you forget to appreciate who you are right now. We all have things we aspire to do/be but that doesn't mean that right here, right now you aren't pretty awesome already.

21. You are exactly where you need to be, you need to be exactly where you are. There is a lesson that is being learned by you right now. There is some wisdom for you in this moment.


22. No one has the right to make you doubt yourself or believe that you are not filled to the brim with greatness and potential ready to spill over. If you don't have people in your life to encourage you, then go out and find them.

23. Whatever you believe, make it a part of your daily life. It will change you in miraculous ways.

24. It is okay to give up, to let go. There is something to be said for follow-through, but sometimes you just have to acknowledge that it's not worth your time.

25. Your real friends will love you in spite of your faults. Surround yourself with these people and treat them right too.

26. Remember that it's okay to take a break, and to allow life to unfold slowly. This doesn't mean you're lazy, it means you love yourself enough to give yourself what you need.

27. Write yourself a love letter. Have a love affair with yourself. Make loving you a priority. You deserve it.

28. You make a difference in the world. Just the fact that you are alive can create magic and miracles. Make the most of this.

29. You know that person whose wisdom you admire? Remember to admire it in yourself as well. You are wise too, don't forget that.

30. We all have things about ourselves that we want to fix and change. Don't expect it to happen overnight. Be loving and patient with yourself.

31. Appreciate your body and all of the wonderful, beautiful, things it does for you on a daily basis.

32. Try to always be kind. It's hard sometimes, but nothing is accomplished by being mean and spiteful to other people other than getting it directed back at you.

33. Realize that a thought is just a thought. You have control over it. You are the Master of it. Control your thoughts, don't let them control you.

34. You have gifts to share. You can share your journey, you can reveal your transitions, you can listen, you can foster friendships, you can learn everything you want to learn and then begin to share. Don't ever think that what you have doesn't measure up, it does, I promise.

35. It's okay to be vulnerable. Vulnerability leads to strength. It is strength. It does not equal weakness, it does not mean that you aren't strong. You are made to feel, and you are made to feel broken every once and awhile. The great thing is, the broken-ness won't last.

36. Dream big and don't let anyone stop you from pursuing that. It's possible. I know it is.

37. Remember that it is never to late to start over. Create a new beginning, if you don't like something change it. Don't think that you're stuck. You're not stuck unless you allow yourself to be.

38. Allow yourself to forgive, don't hold on to tightly to past hurts. It won't make them better. Forgive others, but most importantly forgive yourself. You're doing the best you can.

39. And because I can not say it enough, know this... believe this... you are MAGIC, you are GREATNESS, you are LOVED and APPRECIATED and you ARE a miracle.

2012 is going to magical and I am so happy to continue this journey with you, to hear about your accomplishments, to be blessed by your presence in my world, thank you for being you and allowing me to be me!

Lovelovelovelove,

P.S.

(Please use the Facebook and Twitter "share" buttons to share with all of your friends!)

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The Red Tent Movie

 There is a movie coming out next summer called "Things We Don't Talk About". The movie is based on the concept of The Red Tent. The Red Tent is a space decorated in red that is meant to be an empowering place for females to gather. It allows them a comforting, sacred, space to share their stories, their trials and triumphs.

I love this idea.

I love the idea of women empowering one another. Comforting each other, keeping space, and sharing wisdom with one another. I think that's something that we as women need. We live in a world of "frenemies", we see on tv and in movies women hurting each other, being unkind, jealous, and mean. I'm guilty of it, I think at one time or another we all are. I hope this movie helps us to realize that we can have a sisterhood. That we can form good, nourishing, relationships and bonds that allow us to be brighter, wiser, and more glorious than we'd otherwise be.

It is my dream to someday run a Red Tent and I hope that one day that dream manifests into reality.

All My Love,

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October is going to Adventurous!

August was about being bold and strong, September was about embracing the magic, and October is going to be about grand adventures. The little doodle over to the left is all of the things that I need to be happy on this fantastic adventure that we call Life.


Life is a grand adventure and I have spent so much time being timid and not embracing this journey. I'm ready now, or trying to be. This month I'm going to try my best to be the Hero in my own adventure. To do things that I don't usually do, it's all about trying something new!


My big adventure this month is taking a bus trip to Tulsa (I haven't been on a bus in 9 years, eek!) it's about 120 miles away and I am going to go visit and stay with a dear dear Goddess Circle Sister for a few days. (I've never stayed out of town before!!!). I am so looking forward to this adventure even though it is new and exciting, it is also s-c-a-r-y but who cares about that right? The best adventures involve a little bit of fear. (Frodo and Samwise anyone?.... alright, maybe not the BEST example).


I really want to step out of my comfort zone and do things that are new to me. Last night at work a co-worker was very condescending to me and it made me quite angry. At the end of the night he apologized and instead of brushing it off with an "Oh, I wasn't angry at all, it's totally fine, don't worry about it..." I acknowledged that he had angered me and I accepted his apology. It's was a step in the right direction for me to do that and as little a thing as it was, it made me very proud of myself.


*Sings in a Diana Ross style* I'm coming out, I want the world to know, got to let it show. *Cue end of singing*


Anyhoo, do you have any special plans for October? How are you going to make it great for you? I want to know! So feel free to leave me a comment!


Love!

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Happy Autumn Equinox!!!

Right now my toes are cold and I feel the urge to have very warm, very fuzzy socks. The sad thing is that at the moment I don't have warm, fuzzy socks. It makes me sad, but do you know what it means? It means that it is officially AUTUMN! I'm doing my little happy dance right now because you knoooow how much I love Autumn!

I have something to share with you, something other than my love of warm, fuzzy, socks. Over the last few weeks I've been carrying this idea around, close to my heart. A way to share all of the things I love about Autumn, a way to let you love them too. My Autumn Blessings Kit was born. It has been a labor of love and I am so happy to birth it out into the world. So happy to share it! Here's what you'll find inside along with a 6 minute meditation on Letting Go:

Connecting to Nature
This section will help you connect with the outside aspects of Autumn. The changes in the air, the coloring of the leaves. Allow yourself to fully embrace Mother Nature.

Connecting with Yourself
Dig deep within yourself to discover what Autumn means to you. How does it make you feel? What lessons can it teach you?

Connecting with your Home
Start making your home into a safe, cozy place to spend the coming months. De-clutter and clear your sacred space of negative energies.

Connecting with your Ancestors
 Autumn is a time to honor our ancestors and be grateful for the impact that they had in our lives. We will talk about Ancestor Altars, Dumb Suppers, and how to show our appreciation for those spirits and angels that watch over us

Art
I recommend several different ways you can incorporate art into the season.

Autumn Activities
 So many things to do during the season and I share with you my favorites!

Music
Music makes every celebration complete so I made a list of all of my favorite Autumn Celebration-centric songs for you to enjoy!

So my dearhearts, I'd like to wish you an Autumn full of warm, fuzzy, socks, hot apple cider, and colorful falling leaves. Embrace the magic, the coolness in the air, and the love all around you. I am so very blessed. I have felt so much support from those around me. I would like to give a huge THANK YOU to my support system Eric, Melissa, Loran, Vera, Lau, Carrie, Margie, Laurie, and so so many others. Can you say power of the Goddess Circle? Soooo much love.

Speaking of LOVE, Loran, one of the most awesome woman I know, has officially launched Loran's Heart, a juicy website full of beautiful photography, wisdom, and journaling! So go check her out!

Thank you, thank you, thank you!

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The Caged Bird

Good afternoon Dearhearts! I'm nursing a headache at the moment but you know how it is when your Muse goes dancing through your head and you just have to listen. Muses do not like being ignored. So I have my lemongrass candle, incense, deep breaths, and a big bottle of water, hoping that these things will soothe my head and let this post out. If it's all over the place, my brain apologizes!


On Wednesday I had a dream, which is usually nothing special, but this was. I felt like this was a dream from my spirit guides, the Universe, my higher self, whatever you want to call that all-knowing entity. This was a dream that was meant to teach. 


Myself and a wizard (because all good dreams have wizards and magical people) were given this bird cage with a yellow canary inside of it. We were teleported to this ravaged countryside and told to find something wooden or metal to break open the cage so the bird could get out and fly free. 


The countryside was gray and brown and dark. There were broken, abandoned, cottages littering the land. It was quiet and empty. It felt like I had to hurry. Like something was coming, something big, bad, and scary. After many attempts of trying different things, big sticks, wooden posts, big pieces of metal, of beating that cage, I finally broke it open, but the bird didn't fly out. I remember feeling this sense of dread and panic as the wizard and I knelt down on the ground and I looked inside, fearing that I had killed the bird.


Lying on the bottom of the cage, so frightened she was paralyzed was the little yellow bird. I remember watching her chest move up and down so fast, her eyes looking into mine, terrified, and I knew right then she was never going to fly out. The only way she was ever leaving the cage was if I reached in there and pulled her out. I had failed the quest.


So I've been thinking about this dream for the last few days. What it meant, what it should teach me. At first my interpretation was easy. The ravaged countryside represents that I think that freedom = chaos and disorder. Being confined equals safety to me. Which was my subconscious telling me that I fear feeling free.


Thinking upon it further I'm not sure it's that easy. I think that the message is that I need freedom, it's scary, even terrifying at times, but I need it. I probably shouldn't go about bashing my cage to get out, but I need out, eventually, in my own time. I need out. It's happening slowly, I've come out of my cage in so many ways lately and sometimes I do get scared and insecure that maybe the me that I want to be isn't the me that I'm supposed to be.


Maybe I'm meant to be the bookworm who doesn't talk to anyone and never wants to go out and is content to play World of Warcraft all day by herself and do jigsaw puzzles while watching Tv on the weekends because people suck, dontcha know?


I just need to take notice of how I feel, keep track of the feeling of overwhelm and ask myself why? 


I just realized something important. 


I've made so many new friends lately, something new and exciting to me, and sometimes I find myself wanting to revert back into that "cage" because it's easy, it's comfortable, it's what I know. Am I worthy of so many wonderful people? Do they really like me? Would they still if they knew what does on in my head? I'm sure these things are normal and this is a growing pain so I'm going to ride it through.


Any advice or interpretations you'd like to share dear? I'd love a fresh outlook. 


Big hugs Loves!

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The Three Things

Last night I was thinking about changes, more specifically, the changes that I see in myself. It has been such a long road for me. At the end of last year my life was a complete and absolute mess. Everything was wrong, I wasn't happy with anything, and every part of my life was effected by that. I was depressed, I was miserable, and I didn't really like myself. There were so many things "wrong" with me that I didn't know how to go about fixing them.

So I asked for help.

I went to one of my friends and I asked them to tell me the three things that were most "wrong" with me, the things I needed to work on to be a better person. In my head I had such a long list that it was overwhelming to me. Three things seemed manageable, three I could do. I got an answer. I needed to stop holding grudges, I needed to stop punishing people, and I needed to control my anger. (Secretly the answer I wanted was "you are perfect just how you are" but honesty was so much better.)

So nine months later this is where I am. The day after we had this conversation I sat down and I made a list of names and all of the grudges I was holding against those people. It was two pages long. I'm not kidding. Some of them were little things that I refused to forget, some of it was things that happened a decade before, but it was all resentment. I was carrying around so much anger and bitterness and I realized for the first time in my life how much. It was absolutely shocking to me. So I worked on letting it go. Today if I were to recreate that list it would involve one person and a handful of grudges. Nowhere near the two pages of nine months ago. I learned that 99% of grudges aren't worth the energy involved to keep them.

Secondly, punishing people which goes hand in hand with the third, which is my anger. When I used to get mad I handled it like this, I was passive aggressive and if you confronted me I would blow up on you. I found myself turning into a verbal abuser. I would say things specifically to cause hurt to someone. I would be cruel, I would attempt to tear people down and damage their self-esteem, combine that with my grudge-holding and I could be one terrible person to you.

I'd throw things in your face six months later just because I could.

I feel ashamed right now writing about it, but I'm telling myself that this is my truth and I'm not that person anymore. Pride not shame.

I feel like I have healed in so many ways just by concentrating on those three things. Confronting the fact that I would verbally abuse others made me deal with my issues of my self-esteem. Dealing with my anger showed me that a lot of those feelings were just hurt that I didn't know how to deal with.

A long nine months, but I feel better, I feel more "whole" than I've felt in a long time. It has been so long since I said something mean or hateful and I do not miss that part of myself. I've worked on forgiving myself for being the person that I used to be. Asking someone for help isn't a bad thing, that one question, "What three things should I change about myself?" and the answer, completely changed my life.

I am proof that you can change.

You can become better, greater, than what you ever thought you could be.

It just takes a little bit of work, all good things in life do.

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The pathway to Autumn

Morning sweethearts! If there is one thing that I absolutely love and adore beyond all else, it is the feeling of Autumn. It's still 23 days away until it's "official" and even longer until it starts to feel like it here in Oklahoma, but September still brings with it the thought of crisp, cool, air and falling leaves. It's one of the things I loved best about growing up in Ohio.

Do you feel the magic?

It all just feels so magical. I think part of it is because during Autumn I tend to go more inside of myself and I'm a pretty magical person. I decided to start the month off on that note of magic. This morning I took a sacred bath. It was candlelit with apple incense burning, Heart Sutra by Wah playing in the background, and lavender scented water. After my bath I braided my hair and put on a bindi, two things that always make me feel pretty and magical and then I sat and meditated.

Then I asked myself what I want this month to hold for me.

What do I need to make this month beautiful for me? Better yet, what do you need to make this month beautiful for you? I want to keep chugging away at making this website ahhhmazing. Any suggestions dearheart? I also want to surround myself with love. Love is everywhere and I want to feel it and experience it. I want to rebuild bridges, I want to connect, I want to spread joy.

I hope that we all have an amazing month.

I'm sending you joy.

I am sending you happiness.

And most importantly I am sending you love.

Let's have a blast, shall we?

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Vulnerability

 All rights reserved by Zsoldos Szabolcs 

vul·ner·a·ble [vuhl-ner-uh-buhl]
adjective

1. capable of or susceptible to being wounded or hurt, as by a weapon: a vulnerable part of the body.

2. open to moral attack, criticism, temptation.

This blog has been floating around in my head all night. I have been feeling vulnerable lately. There are so many things coming together and with that, old wounds have been ripped open and are now truly healing. I have dealt with a lot in the last few months and I feel like I've been very strong throughout my challenges. Which is funny as I've never thought of myself as a strong person. Fragile, delicate, easily broken -- those are things I could identify with. However, the last few months I have been so strong for myself, I became someone I could rely on to make myself feel better. What an amazing gift that is.

Today I don't feel very strong.

I feel raw, and cracked wide open, and it's a scary feeling. Vulnerability has something to teach me. It has something to teach all of us. It makes us feel awkward and it pushes us out of our comfort zone, but it is there for a reason. It is there to be felt and experienced. I am currently trying to sit with this feeling and figure out why I am feeling it. I could get upset, I could ignore it, but instead I am studying it.

What has vulnerability taught me today?

It has taught me how far I've come, how much stronger I am. It's shown me that I'm struggling right here in this moment.

And that's okay.

It's telling me that I care. That I have a big, open, amazing heart. In the past I was so afraid to tell people that I loved them. I was too afraid to show emotion and vulnerability. I realize that I have changed in that way and it's made me stronger even when it makes me feel tender and naked. Now I can say love, and feel love easily. Instead of being so controlling about how I feel about others and how they feel about me I am open and I allow it to just flow. That is vulnerability isn't it? Yet at the same time, I credit it as a way I have been strong.

Vulnerability leads to strength. It is strength. It does not equal weakness, it does not mean that we aren't strong at the same time. We are made to feel and we are made to be broken open every once and awhile.

And it's okay.

I am pushing myself to greatness. I am putting my feelings and experiences out for the world to read. I wouldn't be who I am if that didn't make me feel exposed. I am being brave and vulnerable. I am being honest with the people in my life and I no longer have anything to hide behind. I am realizing who I am and who I am meant to be and that woman is naked and vulnerable and doesn't quite know where she fits in yet. She doesn't know what changes are coming, what this transformation will mean. It's scary.

Of course I am sitting here in tears. My world is turning upside down.

I know it's good. I know it's for the best and I see so many blessings and joys just up ahead, but right here, right now I am afraid. I take a deep breath and see this as what it is, growing pains. We get them no matter what age we are.

Today happens to be a new moon, a time for new beginnings and I am taking it as a sign that this is a new beginning for me. It is okay to feel how I feel right now. Better things will come along. The wind will stop whipping at my branches and ripping at my leaves. In the end I'll still be standing. Still strong. Everything is going to be all right.

"I understand now that the vulnerability I've always felt is the greatest strength a person can have. You can't experience life without feeling life. What I've learned is that being vulnerable to somebody you love is not a weakness, it's a strength." -- Elisabeth Shue

Be brave. Be strong. Be vulnerable.

 

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I Believe In You

I've been hiding out the last few days under a little rock called self-criticism and insecurity. When you are under this rock it doesn't feel so little. I've been struggling lately on what to write about, which is pretty odd, seeing as how at the moment I have a list of over 35 topics I plan to touch on at some point or another.

So what was stopping me from sitting here and writing all of the thoughts I want to share with the world? That pesky feeling of not being good enough. Instead of trying to relentlessly push past it I decided to write about it. All emotions in life are meant to be felt and experienced, some of them we just shouldn't hold on to for too long.

I used to think that if you refused to acknowledge those "bad" emotions then they would just go away. 

It doesn't work like that. A lot of the things we feel that we don't want to, hurt, jealousy, anger, create wounds and slapping a band-aid of happiness over them doesn't make them go away. We have to feel it, we have to acknowledge it, work through it, and come out the other side, healed and whole.

Inadequacy and self-criticism are issues that I feel very close to this week. I have experienced them, I have learned from them, and now I am sending them on their unmerry little way.

This is what I have to say both to myself and to you:

I believe in you.

I believe in you so much.

Don't let the little voices named Not-Good-Enough and Why-Try? into your head and if you invite them in, don't let them stay long. They're silly little voices and they just want to cause mischief.

Believe in yourself like I believe in you. I know that you can do it. I know that there is so much limitless potential just waiting quietly inside of you.

Do you hear that?

Limitless.

Think of all of the things you could do if you just acknowledged that all of that was inside of you right now.

Don't worry about what anyone else thinks. This is for you. This is your path and you were meant to be on it.

Let go of the doubt, it has no place. Believe in yourself and the world will begin to believe in you too.

You shine, infinitely.

Love, 

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So this is what it feels like...

As I'm sure you know, because I talk about all of the time, I am a member of the beautiful Goddess Leonie's Goddess Circle. A few months ago Leonie launched her Business Goddess E-Course I was kind of apathetic about it because I didn't have a business, nor did I have the drive to create a business. I found myself being envious of all of the other Goddesses in the Circle with their fabulous ideas, creativity, and talents, and Riding their Wild Donkeys. As the Business Goddess E-course launched I realized that I was perfectly okay with not having a business, not having a "thing". It wasn't the right time for me and if was going to happen, well I'd embrace it, but I wasn't going to hunt for some greater purpose or idea.


It seems as if not looking worked! I didn't think it would be this soon, I thought maybe in a few years I'd come up with a concept and everything would fall into place. It seems the Universe has other plans. Over the last few weeks I've been having ideas and a small spark of inspiration that keeps growing and growing. The last two days it has turned into a flame that I've begun to covet. I love the will and the motivation that I have to get things done and most of all to be creative! In the last week I've painted more than I have at any point since I was in school. It's pretty fantastic. I've dived into the Business Course and I'm learning so many wonderfully helpful things!


I was laying in bed the other night and as I was laying there I asked the Universe what I was supposed to be doing. I want nothing more than to continue down this path of self-acceptance and joy. I was thinking the answer would manifest itself in thinking I ought to meditate more, or do more of this and less of that. Two days later I've been on a whirlwind of creativity, so this is my path at the moment and it is a blessed one. I hope it will lead me to being a Life Coach or in someway helping people with my unique brand of me-ness!


I see so many great, creative, scrumptious things in my future and I hope to share them with you. So if you'd like to follow my blog, "like" my page of Facebook, please do so because that would be the most awesome thing ever. Also I'd absolutely adore for you to go to the My Products page to download your free Ebook "Be Authentically You". There will be more to come in the future so feel free to sign up for my newsletter on the right to stay updated. Whoooo! I can't wait to see what the future holds for all of us!


Love love loooooooove,

P.S. As if there weren't enough "you-should-totally-be-doing-this" signs, out of the 900+ songs I'm listening to on shuffle, Exactly by Amy Steinberg, the song that inspired me to create this blog, started playing. ♥

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Happy Birthday To Me

Today is my birthday and what a wonderful one it has been so far. All of the things I have been thankful for have just been reinforced tenfold. I have been so blessed with well wishes and love. I am completely astounded by the friendships in my life. (I love you friends!) The greatest gift I have received this year is knowing without a doubt that I am known. I am heard. I am loved.

Isn't life grand? This is the first birthday that I can recall actually feeling older. I know it's all in my head, but I feel like I'm standing on the edge of a precipice to something great. Right now everything that I want is possible with just a little bit of help from the Universe. I can do this, I can be great, I can be a shining light.

I'm sure I made a New Years Resolution at the beginning of the year, but if I did, I don't remember it. I want to remember the resolution I'm going to make right now. I am going to be my authentic self. I am going to listen to my inner voice/spirit guides/the Divine. I need to stop, be silent, and listen.

The lessons that this last month has been trying to teach me is to let go and have faith. Stop resisting the good things in life, they will come to you if you are open to them. I can't tell you how many times situations have popped up in the last few weeks to demonstrate just that point. I can honestly say that I am learning. I'm quite amazed by how much I am learning. I guess I'm finally ready. It has taken me twenty-six years to embrace it. I no longer approach any situation in anger, I refuse to hold grudges, and I have love and compassion for everyone. I don't worry about the future, that will sort it self out, it's what I am feeling and experiencing right now that counts. What happens in the unknown future will not make me happy now. So right here, in this moment. I am happy.

I am spending the rest of my birthday relaxing in a hot, lavender scented bath, braiding my hair, and sitting at my altar just being.

Love to you Darlings,

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Breath is Life

There are so many things we can do to help our bodies and to show love to our bodies. We can eat healthy, we can exercise, we can abstain from cigarettes, alcohol and drugs. We can also breathe. I know, you already ARE breathing, but that's not what I'm talking about. I am talking about deep, slow, intentional, releasing of the breath.


When we get stressed out our breathing tends to suffer. We breathe more quickly and shallowly which can deprive our bodies of the oxygen that keeps us going. Not breathing well enough has been linked to weakened immune systems, low energy levels, depression, poor concentration, and a higher level of stress, among other things. 


There is a sanskrit word 'pranayama' which means the extension and control of the breath. There are lots of different breathing techniques you can learn to open your lungs and allow yourself to breathe more deeply. Breath is life. It is more important than water and food, it is what sustains us. Whenever I am feeling stressed out or anxious I concentrate on my breath. I clear my mind and take several deep breaths and almost instantly I can begin to feel the tension fading from my body.


Several months ago I went through a period of stress and I was so anxious day after day. I remember being at work and taking this deep deep breath and then I had this moment of such joy and clarity. I felt like I was breathing for the first time. It felt so healing, so cleansing, to let the air flow deeply into my body. I remember thinking that I hadn't been breathing. I was taking air into my body but it wasn't the same. Pranayama also means 'life force' and that is what our breath is.


If you have a few minutes I ask you to sit up straight and start being aware of your breathing. Notice the way the air feels as it goes into your body and the way that it feels when you release it. Take this time to listen to your body. Take a deep breath through your nose, hold it for five seconds, and exhale slowly through your mouth. You can do this for a few minutes, for a hundred breaths, or until you feel relaxed.


You can also turn this into a meditation practice. Meditation has so many forms and sitting with your body, being aware of your breathing, is definitely one of them. One of my favorite meditation techniques is to imagine 'breathing out' anger/sadness/impatience and 'breathing in' joy/acceptance/calm. It really does work wonders. So breathe deep, be thankful for the feeling of the air going in and out, and thank your body for all of the amazing things it does for you.


You are amazing, each and every part of you.

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Sometimes you have to fall.

I absolutely adore meditation, especially guided meditation. Guided meditation is when you listen to an audio track of someone navigating you through a scenario that your lovely brain gets to imagine.

It's calming and peaceful and after one of those especially sucky days, my secret weapon to feeling better, or at least holding onto my sanity.

One of my favorite meditations is called The Cliff by The Meditation Society of Australia and it's totally free to sign up and get access to some really great meditations.

The Cliff starts out with imagining yourself standing on the edge of a cliff, looking out over the ocean as the sun begins to rise. You are safe there. 

Take a minute to really think about that image. 

Let your mind see it in as much detail as possible. The feel of dew dampened grass brushing against your feet. The expansiveness of being so high up with so much space before you and above you. 

The colors that the sun is painting across the sky. The smell of the water and of the earth. The soft sound of bird song and the gentle crashing of the ocean waves. The way the water moves below you. The way the colors of the sky contrast with the water. The way the waves begin to reflect the rising sun. 

Imagine it with all of the power of your imagination. You are there experiencing all of that. 

I don't know about you but just thinking that makes me start breathing more deeply. It makes those little bumps throughout the day soften a little bit. Muscles start to relax and stress begins to fade just a bit.

Now imagine that you step forward, until just one foot is balancing on the cliff with the ocean below you and the sunrise before you. You lean forward and then you fall.

You let yourself fall.

But there is no fear, no worry, just the knowledge that you are safe and that in falling, in trusting, you will learn to soar. 

One of the most valuable lessons I've learned in life is to just let go and trust in God/Universe/Divine/Inner Self. Everything will work out exactly as it is supposed to. Everything will be okay. No matter how far you fall, eventually you gain your bearings. You gain the ability to fly through it.

It's scary to think of letting go of control isn't it? Sometimes you just have to jump off of the metaphorical cliff and enjoy the ride. To let yourself fall and hope that as you reach the water, wings sprout from your back and you begin to soar, to glide, to perfect freedom.

Last week I was having lots of anxiety problems. I would wake up and literally be shaking with anxiety over facing the day. It's a horrible way to wake up and after three days of it, I knew that something had to give. I realized that I was holding on to so much. Expectations and disappointments were piled on my back and they were crushing me. 

I had to let go.

I had to let go of the things that hadn't gone my way and that I could do nothing to fix. I had to stop holding on so tightly to what might or might not happen in the future. I had to stop being responsible for other people's feelings and actions. I just had to let it be. No more holding on. No holding on to anger, or jealousy, or insecurity. It's terrifying to let go, to let everything fall away from you, but to know that everything is going to work out in the end is comforting. It's all about having faith and you just have to have faith that sometimes falling equals freedom.

Take comfort in falling with nothing holding you back.

In moments of panic I close my eyes and do a quick visualization. I picture myself standing on the edge of a cliff. The sun is rising over the ocean, the colors are blossoming over the sky, reflected in the ocean waters and then I step forward and I fall. Nothing follows me, nothing gets to come along for the ride. It's just me and sweet summer air and the wind rushing over every part of me. 

I feel this brilliant sense of freedom. Sometimes I sprout wings at the last moment and start flying over the ocean, other times I slowly sink deep, deep, deep, into the water, where it is safe and warm and I can breathe and just be for a few moments. Floating on the waves, lulling me. 

Bringing me back into myself.

I always feel better afterward. So I ask you to listen to the meditation, close your eyes, and let go of your troubles and your worries, if only for a few minutes.

The Green Meditation from Green Please on Vimeo.

Ahhhh, doesn't that feel better?

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Why I Am A Bad Friend

The Golden Girls have been my favorite show for as long as I can remember. The friendship between all of the ladies is something that I have always wanted for myself and yet I don't feel like I've ever been able to find it. I don't know how to be someones' friend and at the age of 25 it feels a bit late in the game to learn. 

However, I am trying.

As a child, I had friends but as I grew to be a teenager I found myself alone. I buried myself in books and found my friends in their pages. Something that I don't talk about very much is my brother's Autism. Despite it not being something that I talk about, it is something that has greatly shaped the person that I turned out to be. I couldn't love him more and growing up his sister was a blessing to me in many ways. I loved playing games with him as a kid, I loved looking out for him, and he's a great, funny, guy. My brother is five years younger than me and for a large part of my childhood I took care of him. I remember when my mother was working two jobs and at the age of 11 it was my responsibility to bathe him, get him ready for school, wait for his bus to come and then run as fast as possible to my school a few streets over hoping not to be late. 

This turned me into a caregiver which has been a blessing to me.

I spent a lot of my summers with my brother in daycares for special needs children. Not being special needs myself, this again put me into the role of caregiver. My friends were children with Down Syndrome or severe physical or mental disabilities. I grew up feeling like a mini-adult and I didn't mind. I felt useful and that was a good feeling. Now that I'm older I wish I'd had time to be more of a kid, to have been comfortable enough to go to Prom or Graduation, to have gone to a party in high school. I wish for a "normal" childhood.

I am not normal.

I didn't have my first real friendship until I was nearly twenty and I had no idea how to be a good friend. I still don't and it's a struggle that a lot of people don't understand. If someone needs taken care of I can do that. If someone needs cheering up I'm happy to oblige. I don't really know my role outside of that. It's hard for me to open up and ask for help or advice. It's hard for me to be comfortable going to the movies or hanging out because I feel so out of place.

On the opposite side, when I do let that guard down to become close with someone, I become very clingy and selfish. This had led to the deterioration of a lot of my close friendships which leaves me feeling even more uncomfortable about friendship in general.

Right now I'm trying to be gentle with myself and gentle with my progress. I've been working on my friendships, trying to be supportive, trying to give others their space, and not making everything about me and my feelings. I am not a lost cause! I'm determined to be someone that anyone would be proud to be friends with. Patience, dedication, and heart, I believe almost anything can be accomplished with those three things.

Thank you for taking the time to read this rambling post. Any advice or wise words would of course be appreciated!

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My Personal Gurus: Snatam Kaur

I have a lot of spiritual teachers, people I consider my gurus. People that have had such a huge impact on my life that I can pinpoint my changes and evolution to them. Snatam Kaur is one of those people. Her name is pronounced Suh-nuh-taum which I think is just beautiful. Snatam is an American Singer/Songwriter and a member of the Sikh religion.

Religions of all kind fascinate me and I think the Sikh religion is one of the most beautiful. Sikhism began in India and they worship by chanting, meditating, practicing peace, and living their life in accordance to their Gurus. They believe that everyone is equal regardless of gender, social standing, or religion. Most beautiful of all, they believe that all paths to God are valid and that there is no "right" way.

Not only do I love Snatam's music but I love her being. I love her light and I love her grace. Her spirit shines through her in such a beautiful way. In her photos and videos she just radiates such wonderful soothing energy. Listening to her soft spoken words never fail to soothe the turbulence of my soul.

She is a wonderful musician, a peace activist, and environmentalist. In February I attempted to do her 40 Day Sadhana to burn away inner anger. It was a 20 minute daily practice of chanting, and while I did not complete the whole forty days I did notice that anger I had been holding onto for a long time faded. It started me on a path to forgiveness. not only for others, but forgiveness for myself as well.

Her music has touched me more than any other artist I've listened to. Two of her songs have had the most effect on my life. Ong Namo has had the greatest impact on me. If I could pick one song to listen to for the rest of my life it would probably be this one. "Ong Namo Guru Dev Namo" translates to "I bow to the subtle divine wisdom. I bow to the divine teacher within." Those words are so meaningful to me. We all have spiritual teachers within us, wise, enlightened, beings that speak to us from a divine, spiritual place if we allow ourselves to listen. So often we look for outside validation and wisdom, for someone else to tell us what to do or give us what we need. That strength and knowledge is always there inside of us.

Her second song that I adore is Servant of Peace. This song makes me aspire to be a better human being. I learned from one of my wonderful Goddess Circle sisters that part of the lyrics are actually a Christian Prayer to Saint Francis of Assisi. The whole arrangement of the song, from the music, to the chanting, to her beautiful voice just makes the words come alive to me.


Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love.
Where there is injury, pardon.
Where there is doubt, faith.
Where there is despair, hope.
Where there is darkness, light.
Where there is sadness, joy.
O Divine Master,
grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled, as to console;
to be understood, as to understand;
to be loved, as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive.
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life


I live by this song and its positive message. I think we should all try to be the best people that we can be, whatever that means for you. Every path is different. Every path is sacred.

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Silence

The above picture was taken this morning as I sat outside and watched the sun rise. The first sunrise of the month of June. Absolute gloriousness! I shall let you in on a secret darling readers... it's going to be a magical month! It's going to be an amazing month! Would you like to know why? Of course you do! It's going to be magical and amazing because I say so.

Yep yep!

That reason might not fly with anyone above the age of two but lemme tell you, it's going to work. This is going to be a great month. I've decided that this month I'm going to fall madly, deeply, head-over-heels, over the moon, planets colliding, IN LOVE. I'm sure you are on the edge of your seat wondering "who?" right? The answer is ME! I've been 'with' myself for so long that the relationship fell apart. I stopped paying attention to Dominee, I stopped listening to what she wanted, I looked for love and reassurance outside of her, putting so much energy into making other people happy while forgetting about all the things we've been through and all the years she was there for me. I think she's quite fed up and ready to divorce me if I don't change my ways! Change them I shall!

I'm not saying it's going to be easy, no relationship is, but it's so worth it. I'm sure there will be moments when I feel bad about myself, when I don't feel 'good enough' when I think or feel negative things about myself. I'll get through them and I'll move on. I'm putting this out here so that I hold myself accountable and I don't lose track of the goal. Happy happy happiness!

I've had a problem with anxiety lately. Especially when I'm at home. Silence upsets me a lot. I find it impossible to sit in silence, there must be music, or tv, or some sort of distracting sound so I'm not left alone with my thoughts. I suppose it's an avoidance technique so I don't deal with issues in my life but it's really no good to start freaking out if there's no sound. I'm working on this and by the end of the month I intend to be fully prepared to just... soak in silence.

Today I had a wonderful day. I went to the park on a date with myself, with a lunch and sat under a very shaded picnic table and it was wonderful. Hours sitting there reading with no sounds other than the few people who were walking dogs and the sound of the birds. It was heavenly to sit there with my romance novel and fill the empty, silent, park with the sounds of my giggles. At one point this man and his two little kids, they were probably three and five, walked past and the little girl became very interested in my big bag of blue cotton candy. I asked their Dad if I could share and he said it was okay, I don't think he had a choice because both of them looked like they were going to attack me for it. It was gloriously wonderful to share and have them be delighted. It made my day.

As I was walking home (without the company of music from my mp3 player) I ran into this woman who was walking to work and we chatted for a few minutes and she was just lovely company. It made me happy that I hadn't been lost in the sound of my music. The rest of my walk was filled with happy, pleasant, thoughts, and the silence wasn't so bad.

If today is any indication this is going to be a good month. I challenge everyone to spend this month getting re-acquainted with yourself, loving yourself, and spending a little bit of time in silence.

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