A Different Kind of Abandon

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Abandon. I hate that word. It brings to the forefront of my mind all of my abandonment issues, ones that I still struggle with. It's a trigger to unpleasant feelings and emotions.

My past is littered with abandonment. My biological father died without wanting to meet me, and my family and relationships have never been what I would call stable or reliable.

Abandon: that thing that people do to me.

I've been struggling with abandonment lately. It's one of those fights that looks like something out of Lord of the Rings. Big, evil, gnarly looking bad guys against little ol' me. Abandonment, and fighting against it when there's a chance it might win in the end anyway, is tough work. It's still worth trying.

I was reading, as I generally am because I've got mad bookworm skills (friend me on Goodreads my fellow book junkies), when I noticed the word abandon used in its other form. One that's not so scary. One that makes me think of running through spacious fields and feeling free.

noun

1. complete lack of inhibition or restraint.
"She sings and sways with total abandon."

Who doesn't need more of that kind of abandon in their life? Not that I'm calling you stuffy or anything, I'd never, but sometimes we just have to let go and to add a little of that kind of abandon into our lives. It makes the word less terrifying and it makes life more enjoyable.

I've been making a conscious effort to allow myself to feel abandon. It may be dancing in the dark with my body moving to the music, feeling nothing but the music and allowing myself to become lost (psst Loreena Mckennitt - Marco Polo best dance song ever). Or jogging for the first time in forever and loving the way that my legs move. Or painting while I let the rest of the world completely fade from me as I immerse myself in paints and textures. Or the way words just seem to flow out of me in beautiful and coherent ways. It's all magic.

There are so many little ways scattered through out the day that we can embrace that feeling. It usually starts with allowing yourself to focus on one thing and then allow yourself to be lost within it with no distractions. My challenge for you is to embrace that feeling abandon. What are you going to do today?

When was the last time you let yourself be uninhibited? When were you last unrestrained and wild? 

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Gratitude For My Purpose

This month has been really big for me. My favorite month this year methinks. There have been some really huge shifts from a business mindset, I don't even know if I'd call it a business mindset, more of a life purpose mindset, which intertwines with my business.

This month has been huge in affirming what I do.

It all started with this Monthly challenge thing that I run, which has completely changed the way that I think about what I do and why I do it. It has filled me to overflowing with joy and love and purpose and all sorts of other amazing things.

August's challenge was all about body love. It's been my most popular challenge yet (almost 200 sign ups!) and it has been an amazing journey and an amazing process.

Every morning I see women showing up in the group and talking about their bodies. To me, talking about your body is such an intimate thing, especially when there are things that you don't like about it.

I created a sacred space for honest and vulnerable sharing.

Little ol' me, whoda thunk it? It's really taken my confidence as to what I can give to the world, and amped it up. What I love most about the challenge is that it's free, it's open to anyone that wishes to change their life or see things in a new way, or learn something new, and I love that I can do that and be of service in that way.

It makes my heart happy.

It also makes me weepy, but in the best way. I was looking at a body positive website that someone had shared with me, and I was really touched by the stories shared on the website and what an amazing thing they were doing and I thought "I wish I could do that." and then I got a notification for the facebook group for the monthly challenge, and I realized that I am doing that. I am making a difference too and I am so grateful that the universe has given me this life.

I'm thankful that you are in it.

I'm just all around thankful. Thankful for the lives I get to touch, the stories I get to be apart of, the trust that is put in me, the vulnerability that is shown to me, the validation of the work I do, the love that I feel surrounding me, and the general awesomeness of my life.

Thank you from the tips and toes of my heart. 

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Feeling A Bit Unraveled

As you know, I'm far from perfect. In fact, if you were to ask me I'd probably be able to give you a laundry of things I want to work on within myself. However, on your average day, none of this stops me from loving who I am, and it doesn't stop me from thinking I'm fabulous.

We all have our shit to work on.

Doesn't mean we're any less for it. I've talked a bit about how I used to have pretty terrible anger issues in the past. It took a lot of work but I made a lot of progress over a year and a half. Then I got bell's palsy, got put on steroids, and had my period all at once. The work unraveled, the rages came back and I felt like the Hulk's little sister. Since then, I hate to say it, but a lot of the anger issues have resurfaced. I find myself getting super angry at little things and being unreasonable with my emotions. Which creates more anger because I get angry that I'm angry.

So I am doing the work.

At first I just figured that I'd fall back into my old patterns of dealing with my feelings in a positive manner. Just give it some time and I'd bounce back because after all, I'd done all of that work and surely it couldn't have all unraveled within a really bad month. However it seems as if it has. So I'm re-learning something important.

I control my emotions, I do not let them control me.

They're like wild horses. I finally got control of them, lovingly put them in nice little stables, got to know them and we lived happily together until a storm came by, blew it all away, the horses got loose and now that they've got free rein, they don't want to come back. Little do they know, I'm not good at giving up.

I've been doing a lot of work on dialectical thinking.

Dialectical thinking allows two conflicting ideas to be true at the same time. For example, when I disagree with someone it doesn't mean I am right and they are wrong. I am right and they are right. It's really allowing me to open up and see the other side of the situation as well as stop myself from all or nothing thinking, which is something that I've always struggled with, I'm a bit of an extremist in my emotions!

I've also been incorporating yoga, meditation, mindfulness, self-soothing and self care into my practice. There are many paths to wholeness and I love figuring them out, trying new things and discovering what works for me.

How do you go about changing yourself? How are you working on yourself right now?

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Business + Depression

Somedays I get really depressed. It's hard to deal with that when you work 40 hours a week at a retail job and it's even harder when you run an online business to boot.

I do it anyway, and most days I do it gladly.

Then there are the other days. The days when I question what I'm doing because all I want to do is hide away in my apartment and do no work ever.

That's the Depression talking.

She reminds me of the days when I sat around playing video games all day and when my diet consisted of pizza and ice cream.

"You were happy then," she whispers. "You didn't have to do anything, no responsibilities. You could sleep all day if you wanted, play whatever computer games you wanted, eat as much as you wanted, all day long..."

She tells me that I was happy but I know the truth, I was miserable then. I tell her that those things didn't make me happy and she should know better. So she changes her tactics, gets a little meaner.

"You're not making a difference. Nothing that you do is going to matter in the big scheme of things. You're just wasting everyone's time. Just quit. No one will notice or mind. Don't show up anymore.  Just quit."

It's really hard to run a business when Depression visits.

Lately, I've been dealing with it. It's a rather hard line to walk, depression vs. my business, but I'm beginning to feel like an old pro. I thought I'd share how I cope for anyone out there that fears Depression will keep them from doing the stuff they really want to do. We can work around her.

Push yourself, but not too far.

Sometimes the only thing that I can do is push through the depression. The thing is, I have to use my intuition to know if pushing is going to help or hurt. Somedays I won't want to do anything at all, and that's okay, so I don't. Other days, it is worth it to push through the resistance and do it anyway because it reminds me of how much I love what I do. It's a thin line to walk, knowing when to rest and when to push, but it's important to know yourself well enough to know what's best for you.

Manage your time.

I spend two days a week doing the bulk of my online work and the rest of the week doing the little day-to-day things or working on projects. Managing my time that way gives me the opportunity to rest when I need to. I can spend five days focusing almost solely on myself if Depression decides to visit, yet I don't lose my stride, and if I spend five days not working, when I get my mojo back, I'm not completely overwhelmed with everything that I have to do.

Know your cycles.

My bouts of depression usually don't last very long, a week at most, every few months and are moderate in severity. I'm thankful for this, and especially grateful that I'm attuned with myself and my cycles. When depression plans a visit, I hear her coming and I start making plans to make her stay as short and unpleasant as possible.

Know what will make you feel better.

Aside from giving myself time, I have my Depression Kit. It's not a real kit, just a list of things I know to do for myself. Something on that list will make me feel better. I might have to try twenty things, but one of those things will loosen Depression's hold on me. I don't give up. Ever. On those sucky days, practice EPIC SELF CARE.

Don't beat yourself up about it.

Don't feel guilty for not blogging, posting, updating, creating, emailing, whatever-it-is-that-you-do -- when Depression comes to visit. Guilt will eat you up and take the joy out of your business and it's a killer. Letting other people down, especially your peoples, sucks but at the end of the day, if you're taking care of you, you're ultimately helping your business and making yourself available in a healthier way. Let the guilt go.

What you do is important. 

Even though Depression may tell you otherwise, what you do is important, and if it makes you happy, on the normal days, then hold onto that, don't forget it, no matter what mean ol' Depression has to say about it.

Does depression ever stop you from doing the things you want to do? What are your own tips?

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Journey Through Journaling: Inspiration

The first round of Journey Through Journaling is just about to wrap up and I have loved the whole entire process. The next round starts July 14th and you can sign up right now.

I've been going through the journey myself, writing nearly everyday and I have been surprised at some of the things that flow out. Things that are deep and dark and give me that little shiver. Things that are so real and raw that I wonder if I'll ever share them with anyone. (I'm sure I will at some point)

It really made me realize that there is more to my me-ness, that I am more than I think I am, that there are layers upon layers of stuff I haven't even begun to dig into. Good stuff!

Today I wanted to share one of the prompts and some of my writings about it.

Inspiration.

Who or what inspires you the most? Why? What do you think is your most inspiring quality? Have you ever been an inspiration to anyone? Is there anything you want to inspire people to do/be/feel/create? What are your favorite inspirational books, movies, music, and media?

Growing up, I can't think of a single person that I felt inspired by in a big way. I look at my adolescence and the only thing that really stands out are my best friends at the time, ya know, the ones that lived in books. Alanna and Daine who were created by Tamora Pierce and Anne Shirley from Anne of Green Gables. 

It wasn't until about five years ago that I found the inspirational real-person jackpot: Susan Ariel Rainbow Kennedy or SARK. She inspires me because she's flawed, she's been broken, and she doesn't let that hinder her or stop her from being shiny and amazing.

She was the first person that really showed me that just because I have depression doesn't mean I have to be depression. 

I think I've tried to live up to the things that I find inspiring in her. I've been inspirational just by sharing my story and being open and honest about the stuff that goes on in The Life of Domino. I think my ability to remain (mostly) optimistic is one of the things that I find inspirational about myself. I want to inspire others to know that they don't have to define themselves by the bad stuff that has happened to them. But most of all, I want to inspire people to know that they are worth loving.

Body. Mind. Soul.

Aside from SARK's books, I have been inspired by so many other authors. Musically I'm inspired by Krishna Das and Snatam Kaur. Add in my online inspirations and I have too many to list but there are a few notable ones: Allison Crow, Stephenie Zamora, Mara Glatzel. They are fantastic!

So tell me sweetstuff, what do you find inspirational? What's inspirational about YOU?

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The Recalibration of Self

Do you ever have the moments when something inside of you shifts  and you start to question some of the things you thought you knew about yourself?

Good, I'm not the only one.

When those moments happen I like to think of it as a recalibration of self. It's like when you have a mechanical or electronic device that isn't working right so you give it a big ol' wallop to jump start it and get it working again. The Universe does that sometimes too. It smacks you upside the head with a situation just to get you working the way you're supposed to, whether to re-affirm that you're on the right path or to show you that it's time to change or transform.

How you are right now is not how you're going to be forever.

Everything changes. You change, I change, that's just the way it is. We aren't obligated to change for someone else, only for ourselves.

Lately, I've been thinking about who I am at the core. I've been writing a lot because of my Journey Through Journaling ecourse and it's really helping me to figure out where I am and who I am and some of it didn't fit with who I thought I was. It's like I thought I was walking in a certain direction and then someone hands me a map and points out that I'm really over *there* when I thought I was over *here*.

Figuring out who you are is tricky business.

It's totally possible to do though. Let go of who other people want you to be or think that you should be. Don't let others tell you that what makes you happy isn't good enough or just because your life path is different than what's "normal" doesn't mean that it can't be fulfilling.

Use those opportunities that the Universe gives you to see exactly what you're made of and to discover exactly who you are. 

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When Codependency Masks Itself as Loyalty

I have a little confession to make. Maybe you already know, I'm sure I've said it before, but maybe I haven't.

I have a problem with codependency.

I know, you're thinking "Whaaaaat? But Dominee, you've been a single lady for forever and ever and most of the time you talk about liking it."

That's true too. I stay away from relationships because I know what it holds for me. I get addicted to love, to relationships, to being needed by someone. And basically it destroys my life. Okay, that's a little dramatic, but it destroys my sense of myself, completely. I suddenly stop being me and start being whatever or whoever they need me to be. My every thought revolves around them, I become obsessive about it, and it turns me into someone I don't really like. Relationships are like a drug and I'm addicted.

I've spent the last several years being single so that I can focus on what I want and what I need and what makes me happy. I get to be Dominee, with no one else in my head, telling me that I've got to be perfect for someone else. If I ever do get into another relationship I am going to have an unshakable foundation and a true sense of who I am in every aspect. That's a whole shit ton of work, and maybe one day I'll get there.

I'm not there now though. I still see my codependent tendencies coming up in my friendships and it makes me sad and frustrated. I am succeeding in baby steps. I'm good at creating boundaries, something I wouldn't have been able to do five years ago. I've stopped givinggivinggiving until I want to keel over because I've learned to say no. I'm becoming a better communicator. However, there are still things I need to work on.

I make excuses that I shouldn't make.

For example, I had a friend and we'd been close for a few years. He went through a really hard time, a mid-life crisis sort of thing, and when it was over, he wasn't the same, I wasn't the same, and neither was our friendship. I was constantly feeling like he didn't want to be around me and that we were only friends because he was just as bad at letting go as I was and I didn't want to be alone.

I told myself that it was being disloyal to want to let go. For someone who has been 'abandoned' as much as I have, loyalty is something that I value almost more than anything, because loyalty means they aren't going to leave me.

When I want to leave a friendship or relationship I tell myself that I have to be loyal. You stick through the tough times, you don't just throw people and relationships away when it gets hard. You don't just give up, you fix what's broken.

It is so hard to walk the line between loyalty and dependency.

It's hard to know when you ought to let go and when those excuses in your head are just that, excuses.

Letting go is hard to do, but so is holding on to something that isn't nourishing, that doesn't fill your heart up, just for the sake of a loyalty that doesn't do anyone any good.

One step at a time, I'm learning.

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My biological father passed away.

Almost a year ago I wrote about my biological father, the one I've never met and only talked to on the phone twice as a child.

I wrote him a letter three years ago and a year later he responded with a Christmas card and two pictures of himself as young adult. Finally learning what he looked like, after over twenty years of wondering, seemed like enough for me at the time. It closed the door on that chapter of my life of wishing for a father, wishing for me, or so I thought.

Since the moment I had internet access I've googled him every now and then out of curiousity, found out where he lived, his age and what he did for a living, and that he was married.

Five days ago I found out that he had died.

Reading his obituary I found out more about him that I knew while he was alive. At the time, his death didn't really bother me. He was 70 years old, it seemed like he had a full life. His obituary talked about how active he was in his church and how many friends he had. I brushed it off and went about my day, telling myself that it shouldn't bother me.

After a few hours it start to hit me and I guess I started to grieve.

More for the end of deep buried dreams than for anything. Even as I grew older I think that I always secretly hoped that one day we would meet and he'd express regret and all of the proper emotions of having missed out on my childhood and then we'd live happily ever after.

It's not going to happen now and part of me is sad for that. I wish I had memories of a happy childhood to fall back on, I wish I could say that I'd never lacked for a father figure that I felt loved anyway... but I didn't. Now that part of my life is closed and never to be recaptured in any way.

It makes me really sad.

I wish you would have loved me, or cared enough to try
I wish you would have said hello before you say goodbye

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The Past Is Meant To Guide You

"I don't know what to do.
I feel so lost.
So directionless.
So empty, very empty.
Sad too, all sadness.
What do I do?
I sit here.
I write things.
I cry.
And I have no idea why I'm doing it.
Well, I know why I'm crying, what I don't know is why I'm sitting here not doing anything about it.
I could get motivated. I could set my mind on something else. I could stop feeling sorry for myself. Yeah, right.
Maybe I should concentrate on this oh so wonderful future I've been hearing about. Get a better job, go to school, all of that. Funny thing is, I can't bring myself to want that stuff right now, I haven't wanted stuff like that in years. Since I was in grade-school. Maybe I've just accepted I won't ever amount to anything special.
I've never been very career oriented. I like to write but that's for fun and nothing else.
So I'm pretty much a nobody in every way possible.
Where is my meaning? I have to have a meaning to someone or something, don't I? I don't think I do. If there were a dictionary entry for every person in the world I wouldn't have a meaning. It would just say: Dominee (n.) Has no meaning, unless you count being sad all of the time, she's quite good at that.
I just feel like everything is falling apart. I've always felt like that. I'm not sure my life has ever felt 'together'.
Life's not worth bothering with.
I just want to run away to some far away place where I can be alone forever, which is weird because I'm sad and depressed because I am alone. Maybe if it was my choice it would be different. I hate being alive and able to feel all of this pain, it's not worth it."

From my journal in 2005 when I was 19.

When I look back at my journals, starting when I was in 7th grade, I am filled with a lot of emotions. Sadness, guilt, anger, compassion, but most of all... pride. Reading my journals is like looking into the mind of someone that is severely depressed, often suicidal, and has no idea how to fix it. I was always made to feel like my mood swings and depression were taboo. I wasn't allowed to talk about them and it scared me into being afraid to seek help for years. As a result, my teenage years and early adulthood were nothing short of a long journey into treacherous darkness.

And then I look at myself now.

My eyes tear up with pride and an overwhelming sense of "Thank you dear Dominee for sticking with life. For not giving up." I look back at the many journals, the many posts on livejournal, and I am completely in awe of my transformation and of my strength, especially when I never saw myself as having any.

As I'm sure you know, my journaling ecourse starts on Sunday and I'm excited because I want to give this gift to you that I unwittingly gave myself. I want you to look back to five years ago and see that you're not the same person, how you're stronger and braver and wiser than you used to be. Five years from now I want you to look at your journal and see how you've changed since then.

Every important change I've made within myself has started by having the courage to write it down and journal about the process. It has served as my guide and my map to how I've found myself where I am today.

I couldn't be happier with my transformation.

I hope that you'll join us on the Journey Through Journaling. We're already hanging out in the facebook group talking about journal hoarding, writing tools, and writing. Join the discussion, walk with us, and dig deep into the past, present, and future.

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Look up.

It's no secret that I absolutely love historical romance novels. (If you do too, be my friend on goodreads!) Reading is my most used self-care, my way to unwind, relax, and have quiet Dominee-time.

The other day I was struck by something in one of my books. The hero is trying to get the heroine to believe in herself and to believe that she can have more than what she has. She's afraid though.

"Don't tell me to look up. Don't ask me to want. If I do, I'll never survive." -- Courtney Milan

Then I realized that I feel that way sometimes. I'm afraid to be bigger than I am, I'm afraid that if I believe that I can be that person it's eventually going to collapse all around me.

I'm afraid to look up.

I'm afraid that if I look up I will see how very far I have to go. I'm afraid that I'll get discouraged at how high I have to climb. I'm afraid that I just won't have what it takes. I'm afraid of the fall if I get there. I want so much for myself and for my business and for my purpose that sometimes it's just so terrifying to want something so bad.

Are you afraid too?

It's easier to look straight ahead, at what you have right now. It's easy to be grateful for what you have in the moment than to think or wish or hope or strive for what you might have. The truth is, you might not ever get it. Could you bounce back if you looked up? If you saw it within your grasp, if you knew it was so close, and then it slipped through your fingers? Could you afford not to try though?

I think that's where we have to start to be brave. Wanting something, to succeed, to be greater than we are, that is bravery. Allowing yourself to look up, that's courage.

We might not reach that goal. We might not ever become that person that we want to be, but we have to try. We have to look up.

We have to believe in ourselves. 

Right now I'm being brave in putting myself out there, believing that Journey Through Journaling is going to be a success, believing that I am so meant to do what I'm doing. It's hard to look up but my eyes are on the stars right now.

I'm afraid to look up, but I'm looking up.

How are you being brave right now? What do you see when you look up?

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Putting Yourself Out There

One of the things that I am really proud of is my ability to put it all out there.

Unapologetically. (Mostly) Fearlessly. And Honestly.

It's one of the things that I love about myself and that others love and admire about me as well. Want to know a secret?

I'm a rather private person.

I know you're thinking "But Dominee, you share stuff all the time." It's true here, this is my safe space, with my heart-tribe, where my reservations jump out of the window. In my day-to-day life I am not used to sharing, I'm not used to being an open book, and actually talking about myself and my experiences and my secrets? It's nearly unheard of.

So how do I do it? It's hard sometimes. The things I share are sometimes my deepest darkest shames and secrets or my wildest dreams. It's hard to put that out there, especially on the internet where anyone can see it. It's scary and makes me feel fragile and vulnerable but do you want to know what else it makes me feel?

Liberated, free, inspiring.

Everytime I'm about to hit that 'publish' button and I get that semi-queasy feeling I remember why I do it and how good it feels when I do.

Am I afraid that everyone thinks what I do sucks? That I'm being silly and pointless? That nothing that I do makes a difference? That I'm just wasting my time? That everyone else is so much better and I am just-not-good-enough? Yeah, sometimes I do but I show up anyway. I push past those fears, I put them in a time-out corner and I go about my business.

How do you put yourself out there in a way that feels good?

Find the right tribe.

This just isn't from a business perspective. This is big life stuff. Tell your truths and your stories to the right people. Back when I was in the depths of depression I was needy and desperate for a friend. I latched on to the first person that I could, told them my entire life story, and then wondered why my story wasn't honored. Things got told to other people, or misconstrued, I got made fun of, I got belittled and I didn't understand why.

I wasn't trusting the right people.

This also translates to the blog. I think that I attract a certain kind of person. Compassionate, lovely, souls who aren't quick to pass judgement and who listen with empathy and thoughtfulness  In the almost two years since I've started this blog I don't believe that I've ever had a mean spirited or belittling comment (Hopefully I didn't just jinx myself!).

Know what kind of people you want to attract both in your life and in your business!

Change up the what-ifs.

You're afraid of putting yourself out there. What if they don't get you? What if you aren't taken seriously? What if you are a colossal failure of epic proportions? What if... what if... what if...

What if what you want to say will touch someone? What if it will make someone feel less alone? What if it will inspire change in someone? What if you will be wholly and fully accepted? What if the burden will be lifted?

There's always the chance that you won't be well-received, that someone just won't get it, but there's also the chance that great things will happen.

Go within.

If you feel afraid about putting yourself out there ask yourself why. What are you most of afraid of? Is that a valid fear? Also ask yourself why you want to share something. Are you seeking validation or approval? (we all do sometimes and that's okay) Are you wanting to unburden yourself? Are you wanting to share for some greater purpose?

Once you are firm on your purpose it's easier to let it out into the world.

Be aware and be honest.

Trust your intuition and just do it.

Tell someone that you love them. Reconnect with someone you miss. Write that thing that you've been wanting to write. Say that thing you've been needing to say.

Do something that you know deep down in your bones that you are meant to do.

Be Brave.

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What Anxiety Looks Like Right Now

It's no secret that I struggle with anxiety and depression. The depression has been a seldom-seen house guest in the last few years. Anxiety stops by more occasionally. We have tea together and then I try to smash plates over her head until she leaves me alone.

Lately, I've been feeling anxious.

My day job has been stressing me out. Most of the time I really like it. I work in a store, stocking different products. It's mundane, it can be boring, but at the end of the day I feel good about how hard I work and I love my coworkers.

The last few months have brought lots of management changes and I am not enjoying it. I feel like I'm being walked on and taken advantage of. Both of the new managers have been managers that I've had before, years ago, and I have truly enjoyed them as people. This time around things have not been going very well.

I realize that I have changed over the years, my priorities have shifted, I've created boundaries. I no longer feel okay being taken advantage of and being asked to do much more than my fair share and those boundaries are being tested.

It has caused me a lot of anxiety but I've been taking the time to deal with it.

The first thing that I've been doing is trying to stay connected to the moment. Most of the time the moment isn't bad even if the big picture isn't all that pretty.

Putting my hand over my heart and taking deep breaths. I love laying still and feeling my heart beat. When I'm having a tense moment of anxiety I place my hand over my heart and then lightly tap my fingers on my chest. Doing that brings me back to the moment.

I keep my prayer beads, my japa mala, in my pocket. Sometimes just reaching into my pocket and feeling the beads helps, other times taking out the beads and doing a quick repetition soothes my soul in amazing ways.

I listen to music that makes my soul happy. I have been listening to a lot of Nirinjan Kaur Khalsa, that woman's voice does happy things to my insides.

I look at all of the things that are going right in my life. All of the beautiful gifts that I have been given, the friends that I have been blessed with, the deep wisdom that I have developed about myself and my needs.

I refuse to give in to the anxiety. It might not go away when I want it to, but I don't give up on trying.

How do you deal with anxiety, especially in the workplace?

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I hate my name.

I have never been very fond of my name for a variety of reasons. It's always felt like this baggage that I have to carry with me and can't let go of.

It's reminiscent of the baggage that I carried with me when I hated my body. It's very similar. We sometimes define ourselves by how we look and we also define ourselves by what we are called.

I hate my name because I feel like it has always been something that separates me from everyone else.

It has caused a lot of resentment towards my mother, if you can believe such a thing. Sit back and I will tell you the story of why.

I was my mother's first child. My mother, who is white, was dating my father, who was black when I was conceived (This ends the part my bio-dad plays in this story). By the time I was born, she had broken up with him and had already married someone else, who was also white.

I was named Dominee Rochelle Malina Wyrick.

I was raised as his child, along with my sister and brother who came after me.

The rumor is that my father didn't even realize that I wasn't his biological child until I was older. I don't know how true that is because it's not a topic that I ever bring up with my family. I was told that I was not his biological daughter when I was around the age of seven, my mom said I cried a lot that day.

It was when I began to feel like the Other.

My whole entire family was white and I was not. I often felt like I didn't belong. I remember telling other children on the playground that I had spent too much time in the sun and that was why I wasn't white like my sister. I don't know why, but it always felt like something I should be ashamed about. I would never look the same and I felt like my last name was a lie, a name that did not really belong to me.

My sister was named Rachel Ellen after our Grandmother and Great Grandmother and my brother was named James Preston, after his father and Grandfather. I was named weird ol' Dominee, a name that had no ties to my history or heritage. A name that didn't fit in with the simplistic traditional names of my siblings. Mine was a name that everyone always got wrong, and after awhile it just seemed to reflect everything about me. My name was wrong, my skin color was wrong, my hair texture was wrong, and all I ever wanted was to fit in.

My name was a personification of the things that held me apart from everyone else.

Once I got online I never used my real name. I went by my middle name, Malina. I went by Talya, one of my favorite book characters, Ephiny (from Xena), MuddledClarity, anything but my own name.

That is until I joined the Goddess Circle and made this blog. I decided that I didn't want to hide behind a name that wasn't me. I didn't want to be anyone other than who I am, right down to my funky name, my stretch marks, and depression. I didn't want to hide anymore.

I also learned what my name meant.

dominee (in South Africa) a clergyman; especially a settled minister or parson. A spiritual leader of the Christian Church.

The name Dominee may not be particularly beautiful to me, but it does have power. It represents me and who I have become. I have made it my own and I have allowed it to represent me. In doing that I have changed what it means to me. 

It no longer represents to me that I don't fit in. It no longer means that I am not part of anything. My name has become part of this huge online family with people from all around the world, and my name fits in to that family perfectly. We're all odd and strange in our own ways, we're different colors, we speak different languages, we live in different places, yet we are all connected. 

Names cease to matter and all that does is our soul and our heart.

What's in a name? that which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet;

I don't think that I would be the same person if I had a different name. However, finding love for myself has allowed me to love my name, and to love my body, and to love those things about myself that were different or unwanted or strange.

That is what my name has taught me.

How do you feel about your name?  Like it? Love it? Hate it? What does it mean to you?

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My Word of the Year

Last year I chose a Word-of-the-Year instead of making a goal or a resolution and I loved it. I'm not sure that I did 'Surrender' proud last year, but I do know that I let go of a lot of things and that it did help me to keep that theme in mind.

Choosing a Word-of-the-Year is like picking the title for the next chapter of your life. It's good stuff. It's also a nourishing process, it helps you to get your head in the right place and gives you a focal point without the pressure of a goal or resolution. You just do your best to honor that word in your life and there's no failing.

My Word-of-the-Year is SHINE.

I'm a very shy person, and let me tell you, owning a business where I have to show my personality was a huge struggle in the beginning. I didn't know how much of me to reveal and I didn't know how far to push myself outside of my social boundaries. It is still a learning process but I am getting better. After jumping in head first, floundering for awhile, I'm finally getting the hang of it.

I was thinking about what I want from this year and part of it was self-confidence and part of it is implementing all of the wonderful ideas that I have in my head, and the other bit is not being afraid of myself.

I am afraid of my brilliance.

Does that happen to anyone else? There's the fear of failure on one end and then on the opposite end there's the fear of being so so big that you just can't handle it. You just want to dwell in the comfortable middle because it's... well... comfortable and you know that you can handle it.

That is why I chose the world shine.

It also goes well with my anthem of the year.

"You could be the star, you could shine so bright. You could be your own spotlight."

How are you going to shine this year? What is your word of the year and what does it mean to you?

I need my lovely loyal readers to take a few minutes to fill out this survey (if you would be so kind) you'll be entered to win a special prize if you do!

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What the movie Butter taught me.

Last week I was relaxing and decided to watch the movie "Butter". It's a quirky comedy about a little girl in foster care, who decides she wants to enter a butter-sculpting competition at the state fair. She goes up against the wife of the local butter-sculpting hero and hilarity and rivalry ensue. It's a very sweet, funny, and touching comedy.

There was a part that I found especially wonderful and I really enjoyed it and I wanted to share it with you. It takes place in the car outside of a lodge where the main character, a little girl by the name of Destiny, is about to sign up to enter the butter-sculpting contest. 

Her foster dad gives her the pep-talk which ends up being the opposite of positive thinking, but I love it.

Ethan Emmet: "Don't tell Jill, she always likes me to think positive, but what I like to do is this: I would imagine all of the bad things that could possibly happen if you enter this contest. Like, you could die of a tragic butter overdose. There could be a rabid grizzly bear hiding inside this very moose lodge ready to tear your face off."

Destiny: "There could be a python inside."

Ethan: "What if this place is full of monkeys with a deadly virus?"

Destiny: "There could be the ghost of Hitler."

Ethan: "What if there's no gravity in there and you float up and bang your head on the ceiling and then all of a sudden gravity kicks in and then you bang your head on the floor?"

Destiny "There could be a black hole that would suck me all up."

Ethan: "What if this place is full of good looking British vampires?"

Destiny: "The worst of all of them."

Ethan: "They're so pale."

Destiny: "Or hungry cannibals!"

Ethan: "It could happen. So think about all of that and ask yourself, really what's the worst that can happen?"

Destiny: "I could be terrible and lose."

Ethan: "Yeah, yeah, you could, but could you live with that?"

The moral of the story? Don't let the fear of what could happen stop you from following your dreams and being brave. 

You can totally do it.

Whatever it is that you want to do.

Even if you do fail, chances are, you'll be okay in the end. 

Unless you get attacked by rampaging hippos, then you might just be on your own.

I love you.

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Bonks you on da head: Your Story Matters

This is something that I have said again, and again, your story matters. I'm not just saying it for you, but for me as well. I sometimes forget how powerful my truth is.

I think we all go through periods of self doubt, where we wonder if we are really making a difference by telling our stories. I feel that way at least once every few weeks, and then I rediscover why it is that I do what I do and why you should do it too.

Your story lets others know that they are not alone.

Your story can heal.

A few weeks ago someone came to me with a personal problem. Something that I went through myself. As they spoke, I realized that most people would pass judgement on what this person was going though but I found myself able to have a deep understanding of the issue and compassion for the person and how they were feeling. I was able to offer advice and an understanding ear, and I realized what a gift that was.

If I didn't tell my story then no one would know it.

There are some things about me that could be coined 'shameful' and yet I am open about them. I have talked about my affair with a married man, my verbally abusive past, my deep depression, my abandonment issues, my body image struggles, and my decision not to have children. All of those things are things that someone out there can relate to.

There have also been things that I haven't found the voice to talk about, my struggles with self-injury, my complicated relationship with my mother and step-father, my choice to be celibate, my coming-out as bisexual, all of these stories need to be told as well, but it's a difficult process to make peace with them enough for them to do good in the world.

The things that you are ashamed about, are the things that other people have been ashamed about, are still ashamed about, and might always be ashamed about. You, me, us, we give them a chance to see that something good can come out of those situations because we are the good that comes from those situations.

So just in case you needed a reminder.

Tell your story.

It matters.

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Who I Want To Be

I've been doing some thinking, as is my Autumn habit. It's a time for me to hunker down and figure stuff out. Look back on the year and figure out what I liked and what I didn't.

As the leaves change, I try to figure out what I want to change about myself.

I once had a friend tell me that if I really loved myself then I wouldn't feel the need to change. That thought tripped me up for a little bit. Was she right? Was all of my efforts at self improvement just a way to cover-up some secret self-loathing and not-good-enough feelings?

In the end I thought about it and I realized that I want to grow. I want to learn. I want to change. Transform. Evolve. It's like being a child. Children are wonderful as they are, but they can't stay that way forever. They've got to learn new things, new skills, new abilities. It's the same with me. There's always something to change, to do better at, but I'm still awesome right now.

Just because I want to change, doesn't mean I don't love myself now.

It took awhile for me to realize that change doesn't equal having to fix something. It's transformation. It's upgrading. I think I'm going to go around saying that "Self-improvement? I'm self-upgrading here. I'm just downloading a new app for anger-management." Let's totally start a movement with that.

The other day I was thinking about how I want to change and improve, what things I'm not entirely happy about, and I decided to write it down. (I have mentioned my worksheet addiction haven't I?)  So I made one! Who I Am Now vs Who I Want To Be maybe it will be useful for you too. I tried to keep it positive and honest. Like I said, there are a lot of things about me right now that I love. So I wrote them down, alongside the things I don't. It's all in your perspective!

That's where I'm at now, it feels like a good place, and I am so excited about what is to come, both from me and Blessing Manifesting.

Here's to hope, love, and all the good stuff!

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You Have Permission to Slow Down

How are you feeling?

I mean really?

In your bones, in your head, in that (hopefully) happy heart of yours?

Deep breaths and think about it.

How are you feeling?

Thanksgiving is right around the corner and to be honest I'm really not feeling it. If you are feeling the same way, I have a little bit of advice for you. Even if you aren't feeling that way, I have some advice for you, because I am in an advice-giving mood.

Do what you can do. Slow down if you need to slow down.

Are you ready to make a big Thanksgiving meal? Looking forward to dealing with the family? Have you started your Christmas shopping yet? How's your budget for this month? What about next month? Greeting cards picked out and ready to send? Got your tree yet? Decorations? Invitations for that holiday party sent out? Ready to wrap presents? Have you started thinking about your New Year's resolutions yet?

This time of the year is pretty crazy.

Let me be perfectly honest here, I'm not a big holiday celebrate-er. Due to numerous reasons, which I am sure to talk about at some point, I don't participate in any family functions. I spend the holidays all by my lonesome (which I'm mostly okay with, most of the time, I do have my moments). I've tried spending it with friends and that just makes me feel like an outsider, and I've also tried to do something big by myself and that just made me feel disappointed.

The last few years I've done what I can do.

Which usually involves letting Thanksgiving and Christmas be normal days. I can be thankful whenever I want, and giving gifts? I give them all year round to the people that I really love. Sometimes I put up a tree, and sometimes I don't. Most of my actual gifts at this time of the year are gift cards, greeting cards are facebook messages, and my holiday dinners are sandwiches or oven-baked pizza.

Why are my holidays to simplified and minimalistic?

Because that's what nourishes me, or rather, that's what I can do before it starts to get stressful and overwhelming. The holidays (despite all of those pesky marketing ploys) is not about pleasing other people.

It's about being happy, and being thankful, and celebrating the magic of life and the people you love.

That doesn't come with a price tag and a bag of stress and overwhelm.

I wish we'd all remember that a little bit more. So this year, do what you can do. Don't turn yourself into a stressed out ball of gunk just to live up to some ideal family portrait. A big turkey dinner with all the fixin's and polished silverware at a nicely table-clothed table, would be wonderful, but there's nothing wrong with sitting in the living room eating pizza out of a box, talking, laughing, and watching movies with the family. Your kids might not look back and see traditional, but they'll probably see a happy mom and dad.

Do what fills you up.

If it fills you up to bring out the nice linen and wake up at the crack of dawn to start the turkey (one of my favorite childhood memories) and you take joy and satisfaction from feeding everyone your delicious food, then do it and enjoy every single moment of it!

Do what fills you up.

This week finds me working six days straight, including Thanksgiving and the crazy sales starting at five in the morning the day after, and you know what? I'm okay with it because I am slowing down. I am napping. I am vegging. I am savoring all of the slow quiet moments of life. I am letting go of needing to spend my days filling up other people's cups. I am filling up my own (and it feels good).

I am doing what I can.

This is me, wishing you, a Happy Thanksgiving! (I might not pop in again until the Thanksgiving Craziness, but know this: I loooooooove you!)

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Wait... I'm a control freak?

If you would've told me a few days ago that I was a control freak I would've looked at you with a raised eyebrow like you were a nutter.

After all, if you are a control freak, well you must be ambitious, and impeccably dressed, and you must have your shit together. On the other hand, I tend to be pretty disorganized, I'm really no good at telling other people what to do, and I don't really mind being told what to do and following rules.

Fact is: I'm still a control freak.

I like being in the Driver's Seat as far as where I'm going and how I am going to get there. I like knowing how things are going to turn out. I like it when people act and do as I would expect them to. I've had a lot of up and downs lately and I realized my big hang up, the thing that was making all of the sucky stuff suck more.

My need to control the outcome of everything.

I have a real problem with laying back and letting things happen. I'll use my business as an example, it would've been nice if I created my business, and the right people found it by fate and happenstance, and it grew and blossomed beautifully with little effort from me. Like a wildflower in a field that just needs the earth, sunshine, and water, and to be left alone. In reality it's like an Orchid, I'm constantly adjusting the light, the air circulation, the amount of shade, the temperature, the humidity, adding fertilizer, potting and repotting... it's a lot of work and I love being in control of whether it fails or thrives.

In my business, that attitude works great, in my personal life, not so much.

The thing about life is that it usually rejects a tight grip. I mean, try to plan out the next few weeks to the tiniest detail and see how well it really works for you. Chances are, a lot of things will not end up going your way. At one point on my journey I learned how important and beneficial it is to let go of getting attached to the outcome of situations. Let them come and let them go and just accept it for what it is.

I need to re-learn that.

I need to stop expecting everything to go a certain way because that's what I want. I'm setting myself up for disappointment, especially when it involves having expectations of other people. So here's what I am going to do and I am going to ask you to do it with me.

Accept the moment for what it is

Don't focus so much on what has happened or what will happen, allow yourself to be in the moment, be fully present, and appreciate what you have in the moment. This moment right now is really all you've got anyway.

Do you find it hard to let go of your attachment to outcomes? Are you good at just going with the flow?

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Epically long and full of parenthesis and italics.

This. This has not been a good week. I started my vacation from my day job (or night job, as it were) on Tuesday and I was expecting nine days of awesomeness and bliss. Currently we are on Day Six and I have yet to be smacked upside the head by The Awesome or The Bliss.

I also have blogger's block, which isn't helping matters. I suppose it's not really bloggers block, I have tons of things to write about, it's just a general lack of motivation and a convincing of myself that no one cares what I have to say, so why bother? (That's totally not fair to you because you're here reading this, so you must care a little)

I debated upon waiting to blog when I was in a better mood, but it's been a few days now and sometimes the best way is to just get it out of my system, hope it works, and then move on. There's something about putting your "stuff" out into the world that is therapeutic. Maybe it helps me feel like I'm not in it alone, maybe it just feels good to get it out (I've had the tendency to bottle up my emotions, ask me how well that works). So forgive me as I allow my feelings to dance around the keyboard in an incoherent manner.

I've been focusing on Self Care the last several days. Yummy coffee. Peanut butter cookies. Fuzzy socks. Warm blankets. Hot baths. Fingerless gloves with racoon faces on them. My special happy-Panda hat. (I'm wearing it in the picture, I can't decide if the picture is cute or creepy, a bit of both methinks, and it makes me giggle) Romance novels in bed. Naps whenever I want them. Chinese food from my favorite place. My favorite pajama pants with stars all over them. Sleeping in until I wake up naturally. A little bit of retail therapy. Walks in the morning sunshine. Jamming out to music that makes me want to move and dance and smile.

I've tried to have a positive attitude about things but each time something knocks me back a bit, I slide down a little bit more and it's harder to pick myself back up again (pssst... secret here. The secret to success in anything is getting back up after you've failed.) I've also re-remembered a very important lesson.

There is a difference between Self Care and Avoidance.

I have also been playing a lot of World of Warcraft, watching a lot of TV, and listening to music to fill any of the silent spaces in between. Silence is my enemy because it affords me the time to think about things that I don't want to think about. I buy into the delusion that if I fill up my day with self love and self care then the bad stuff will go away. It doesn't work like that (shocker) but that hasn't stopped me from trying. I've talked about how I'm an A + B = C kind of gal, even though life continues to teach me otherwise. I was always bad at math.

Lately, I've been falling back into old patterns. I've spent more time playing World of Warcraft than I have anything else this vacation. The reason why is encompassed by one word: Escapism. In my younger days when I wasseverely depressed, I would play for hours upon hours because it gave me something to do that wasn't moping. Since embarking on my life transformation, I only play a few hours a week and that is because I have found something (many things) that are more worth my time and that make me feel fulfilled in a wonderful and nourishing way. I realized I'm using it as an escape (again) but I still do it. It takes so much effort to deal with my "stuff" and I've run out of effort. (Do you ever get that way, when it's easier to ignore your problems than to deal with them?)

My first problem: Overwhelm

I'm sure you already knew this, (or could guess!) but I am a HSP, which stands for Highly Sensitive Person. What this means is that I am sensitive to a lot of things and I feel a lot of things, and sometimes those things discombobulate and overwhelm me. This ties in to my dislike of being around lots of people for long periods of time. I am a solitary person my nature (Kinda like a badger. Fun fact, Hufflepuff was always my chosen Hogwarts House), so when a friend of mine asked me to come over for a gaming session of Dungeons and Dragons, I initially said no. However, some part of my brain decided that I should give it a go (silly brain, oh silly, silly, brain). The last time I played was five years ago, and back then I was hell-bent on proving to everyone (and myself) that I was normal and could be social. (Being teased about my anti-socialness gave me something to prove.)

Today, I know that I am not "normal" when it comes to socialization. I accept it, embrace it, and most days I'm totally okay with it. I can hang out with my bestie and his kids and be perfectly fine. I can hang out with other people in twos or threes for a bit, have a fun conversation and not bat an eyelash or really think about being anxious or uncomfortable. I don't, however, like inviting people over to my place (It's sacred Goddess-Land) and I don't like going over to other people's houses (It feels harder to flee). Which pretty much means I will talk to you at work and hang out with you on my breaks and lunches if I like you but that's all you're gonna get unless you are special. I've learned my boundaries and I've done a good job enforcing them.

So when my friend invited me over to play, I said yes, and I spent the first six hours of my vacation at his house, with seven other people, a few that I had never met before, and most of them smoked (I really can't stand cigarette smoke), plus I had to you know... talk. (That's kinda the point of D&D, in case you didn't know.) I really had a good time, don't get me wrong, but in the end it wasn't for me. Halfway through I just wanted to go home (I'd have clicked my heels if they had been red) but I don't drive so I had no way to get home without ruining the game for someone else, and I was having fun, it just unsettled me. I wanted to burrow back into my nice happy hidey hole. It was out of my comfort zone (it's good to venture out every now and then, really it is) and it left me feeling drained, ungrounded, and guilty that I had had fun but felt no desire to do it again next week. Which leads me to my next point which is going to sound so contradictory.

My second problem: Well hullo there Loneliness

I tell my Tribe all of the time that there is a difference between being alone and being lonely and you can have one but not the other. Most of the time I am alone (and I like it that way) but lately, I've been feeling the loneliness (The sadness and discontent of being alone). I'm a single lady and most of the time it doesn't bother me all that much. I live a pretty fulfilling life (by my own definition) but sometimes a girl wants some companionship and some romance. I've been in that mood. I'm sure anyone who has ever been single knows that mood. The one where you find yourself yearning for something that you don't have, daydreaming and fantasizing (all while singing "All By Myself" Bridget Jones' style in your head). That mood. Now you might suggest that I remedy that situation in the obvious manner, by finding someone, but I don't and I won't because I sincerely feel like that is not the right path for me (at least right now) no matter how lonely I feel. So it's just one of those things that I have to wade through or wait till it passes.

Since I'm on the topic anyway, my number one reason for not wanting a relationship is fear. Every single relationship I've had, or tried to have, has involved me turning into a person that I don't really like. I get very clingy, and I tend to put everything that I have and everything that I am into the other person. I don't just lose myself, I give myself completely away so that there is very little of Dominee left. I'm not 100% sure I've grown out of that behavior and have no urge to make someone my guinea pig so that I can find out. I need to have my own life and my own space and I feel like to do that, I have to be single for the time being. (Yay for self-awareness)

My third problem: Goodbye control of emotions. 

Now I am pretty good at controlling my emotions and redirecting them before they get crazy out of control. I used to have pretty big anger issues, I'd even call them rage issues. When someone made me angry I had the tendency to scream and cry and throw around insults like there was no tomorrow. I have a three inch scar on my leg from having a hissy fit that involved kicking and throwing things in my living room. I cracked my bathroom wall once. I broke dishes on purpose. That's really just the tip of the iceberg, I used to get Hulk-Angry. When I got sad I would lay on the floor and cry for hours on end until I couldn't breathe, until I broke out in hives, until my eyelids were so swollen I looked like I had been punched. I was a bit (a lot) of a Drama Queen. Honestly it wasn't really that, I had just never learned how to feel, in the intensity that I was feeling. That's really something they should teach in school, some people aren't born with the know-how. It took a lot of work to learn how to cope but cope I have (for the most part).

The other day someone did something to me that I found rude and petty, and my first reaction was to tell them what a bitch they were being. Now, I've talked about how I used to be pretty verbally and emotionally abusive in the past so when my first, automatic, reaction was name calling, I felt a lot of different things. Fear, disgust, shame, fear, and more fear. I don't want to lose control and I don't want to have my impulses take control over what I know is okay and not okay. I know better than that, so I do better than that. That moment made my tummy hurt.

All in all, this has just not been my week. 

I'm questioning my business path a bit. My heater crapped out and maintenance hasn't come to fix it yet. I'm resistant to allowing myself to have a good cry for fear that's exactly when they will show up. I've spent the last 24 hours with cold fingers and toes. The first two romance novels I tried to read weren't very good so I gave up on them. My friend has blown me off for fun vacation stuffs twice this week. I feel lame because no one ever texts me. I have a rash on my chest which I think is stress induced. I have tons of business things to do, no motivation to get it done, and then I feel so guilty for not being my usually peppy business self. And each time I start feeling this way I'm afraid it's going to last forever and ever and ever.

It's really not a good feeling.

But I've got to keep going.

I still have vacation left. I can still try to make the most of it. I can pick myself up, dust myself off, and keep moving in the right direction.

But really I just want to hide in my shell until it feels safe to come out again. But that's old-Dominee speaking, because there's always a reason to retreat, there's always a reason to hide, there's always one itty bitty thing that's not going right, and if I retreat at every opportunity then I'll never get anywhere. My advice to myself: Go slowly, think slowly, be slowly, but don't retreat.

This morning has been the most pleasant one so far and nothing has changed except my willingness to deal with it. To sit down and write this. To think the unpleasant things. To face them head on with a na-na, na-na, boo-boo and my tongue sticking out.

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