Single Lady Loneliness and Aloneness

Hello you beautiful person you.
I'm on vacation from the retail job right now and there's one thing that always crops up for me around this time: aloneness vs. loneliness.

You should know that I'm a bit of a hermit. I rarely go out and I'm very selective about who I hang out with. I am the definition of a homebody and I'm fine with that. I think it's why the Goddess Hestia and I mesh so well.

I get a good amount of social time and friend time at the retail job so when I go on vacation it's usually just me, myself, and I. That's when the battle of aloneness vs. loneliness comes into play.

Aloneness is when you are alone and you don't mind. 

You laugh aloud while reading in bed and you yell at book characters and there's no one to mind. You dance to the kitchen, naked, while singing a made up song, and it's cool. You get the whole bed to yourself and you wake up in strange positions. You can order a pizza with just olives and mushrooms because it's your favorite and no one else's opinion matters. You can also watch as many episodes of Golden Girls while wearing your comfiest pjs and that's the norm. You can go to the bookstore for books and coffee and stay as long as you want. You can go to the movies and see whatever you want and eat popcorn and you don't have to share.

Aloneness is wonderful, it's soothing, it lets you be comfortable with who you are, in your own skin.

Loneliness is the evil twin, maybe not so evil, maybe just the sadder version.

Loneliness is when being alone doesn't feel good. You feel like something is missing, you feel a lack of connectedness with yourself or with others. Being alone feels like a burden and you have no one to share it with. The aloneness suddenly makes you feel isolated from everyone else. It's usually accompanied by Depression. Loneliness really sucks. There's really not much of a difference between aloneness and loneliness other than your state of mind and what you do with it.

In these times that I am alone a lot I become aware of loneliness lurking in the corners. I reach out and have a chat with someone, or ask my best friend to go out for lunch. Being alone is okay. Being not-alone is okay too. Oftentimes we allow ourselves to be lonely when we don't have to be. We can call our friends or family and ask them to come over or go out, and we can also see the blessing of being alone and learn to find the pleasure in it.

Do you tend to feel aloneness or loneliness? Is there a difference between the two for you?

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When you aren't enough.

When you are feeling like you aren't enough I want to let you know something. It's something that I'm constantly learning over and over again. Each time the knowledge sinks into my soul I think it's something that I'll never forget, but I still forget. I need a reminder.

You are enough.

I never thought I would be where I am right now, but I'm here, and it's enough.

I never thought I was talkative enough to do what I do. I was always the shy, quite, bookworm growing up. I never imagined that people would listen to me, and I never imagined that I would want them to. I didn't think I had anything worth saying. I grew up feeling like I wasn't skinny enough or funny enough or interesting enough for anyone to want to be my friend or for anyone to care what I had to say. It wasn't true.

I was enough and so are you.

I had my first relationship and I still didn't think I was pretty enough, or sexy enough, or wanted enough, or loved enough. I started my business and I didn't think I was smart enough, or motivated enough, or a good enough writer. But I did it anyway and I am good enough for one reason.

I show up.

I don't let the not-enough's keep me from trying. You shouldn't either. If there's something you want to do right now, do it. Believe in yourself. Believe in your worthiness. Believe in your inherent good-enough-ness because one day, maybe years from now, you are going to look back and you are going to see how worthy you truly were. How you were good enough in every way that matters.

Don't waste minutes, hours, or days feeling like you aren't enough.

You are, you are, you are, enough. I promise, and I want you to see that with my whole heart. Don't let anyone tell you that you aren't pretty enough and don't let anyone make you feel like you aren't smart enough or lovable enough. You don't have to change or be better, or fix anything about yourself to be worth total, complete, and unconditional love.

Unconditional love in every sense of the word.

Whatever you are right now is good enough to love. It's worthy of love.  You are brave enough to make your dreams come true and to do that thing that you want to do. You don't have to be more than you are. You don't have to be perfect. You don't have to be anything but you.

And that is enough.

That is more than enough.

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Lessons of the Labyrinth (the movie)

One of my all time favorite movies is the Labyrinth. When I was young it was everything that I wanted in a movie. I identified with the main character so much, after all, who hasn't felt like their parents just aren't fair? Who hasn't wanted an escape? Who hasn't thought that life was just full of unfairness? When I rewatch it now, I am struck by some of the wonderful life lessons throughout the movie.

Lessons that I can identify with and see in myself, especially right now when life seems so danged unfair.

If you've never seen the movie (and don't want to go watch it RIGHT NOW) let me tell you a little bit about it. It's about a teenage girl named Sarah who is transported to a strange world by a Goblin King, in order to save her baby brother, who she wished would be taken by the Goblin King in the first place

The greatest theme throughout the Labyrinth is personal responsibility.

At the beginning of the movie you see Sarah out in the park rehearsing lines from a play. She realizes what time it is and has to hurry home to babysit her baby brother, something that she resents even though she doesn't truly have anything else to do. When she realizes that one of her stuffed animals is missing and her brother Toby won't stop crying, she gets quite fed up with her situation.

"I wish the goblins would come and take you away! Right now!"

She leaves the room and abruptly her brother stops crying. Concerned, she looks in on him only to realize that he's gone. The Goblin King appears and Sarah realizes her mistake and asks for her brother back, but the Goblin King, Jareth, tells her that she can't take it back. "What's said is said." If she wants to have her brother back she must go through the Labyrinth in order to retrieve him.

Even though Sarah would rather spend time with her books, plays, stuffed animals, and getting lost in her imagination, she realizes that she must be the one to save her brother. It's her responsibility.

For the first part of the movie Sarah runs into different creatures expecting them to help her just because, regardless of the fact that she hasn't done anything to deserve it. She has such a sense of entitlement and believes that even though she put herself in the situation, other people should help her out of it.

I've been guilty of this. It took me a long time to realize that I was responsible for my feelings and actions. I would blame other people for how I felt, for not making time for me just because, for not reading my mind when I wanted something. I'm forever learning that my feelings are owned by me and my actions are my own and no one else's. Good lesson, sometimes it's hard to make it stick!

Life is not fair.

Sarah also has to realize that life isn't fair. She keeps getting upset because the rules keep changing and she doesn't understand why. She's trying to do the right thing, she's trying to make up for her mistake, but everything keeps going wrong while she keeps expecting that everything should go her way. It's a hard lesson for her to learn, but when she realizes that life isn't fair it marks a time of growth for her. She realizes that she has to fight for what she wants and not just expect that life will treat her fairly.

I can't count how many times I've said "It's not fair." in the last few weeks. It hasn't been fair, but there's very little I can do about it. What happens, happens, and I can either whine and complain about how life isn't being fair, or I can find a way to deal with it, try to make it better if I can, and move on.

Things aren't always what they seem.

The labyrinth and the creatures within it are never what they seem. Despite the dark look of the labyrinth, it's alive with different creatures. Beautiful fairies are evil, huge furry monsters can be great friends, helping hands aren't always helpful, sometimes warnings point the right way, and most of all you can't judge something just by what you see on the outside.

I am guilty of letting my first impressions last longer than they should. Sometimes it's hard to look past what you see on the outside to discover what's really deep down inside. This also applies to YOU, you aren't always what you seem either. There are things inside of you that you haven't even begin to discover yet!

In the end you've just got to believe in yourself.

Sarah gets her brother back in the end because she refuses to let the Goblin King have power over her. She realizes that she is strong and brave and that she is ultimately just as powerful as anyone else. It all lies within her, all she has to do is acknowledge it and believe it.

"For my will is as strong as yours, and my kingdom as great — You have no power over me."

What childhood movies have held the best lessons for you?

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I've got diamonds at the meeting of my thighs

If you took my survey you might have seen the part where I ask you what you want me to write about. A lot of you wanted me to explore the Sacred Feminine, and you know what? I think that's a great idea.

What is the Sacred Feminine?

The Sacred Feminine is about seeing women as sacred and divine and exploring that connection. 

I realize that I spend a lot of time encouraging you to see yourself as sacred and beautiful but I want to delve into the knowledge that all women are part of something sacred.

I'm going to start showcasing things that embody the sacred feminine. Stories, women, poetry, thoughts, that inspire you to see women (yourself included!) as this beautiful force that you are. Women are amazing and I think that when you begin to see yourself as part of that energy and beauty, then loving yourself will come easier, you're totally a part of that beauty! 

I want to share with you an excerpt from the poem "Still I Rise" by Maya Angelou. I saw it on facebook a few weeks ago and I was just struck by the beauty and the power of it.

Does my sexiness upset you?
Does it come as a surprise
That I dance like I've got diamonds
At the meeting of my thighs?

I love those lines, they just speak so eloquently of our value as woman and embracing our sexuality.

How do you feel when you read those lines?

Are you able to embrace your sexiness? Feeling sexy can be really difficult, especially if you have body image issues. When I reached adulthood my body image was so bad that I never felt sexy. Eventually I got my first boyfriend and the only time I felt sexy was when he told me I was.

My sexiness and my value was given to me by someone else. 

If he treated me like I was nothing then that was the value I then assigned myself. It took me a long time to realize that it was my job to assign value to myself, not someone else. It took a lot of inner work for me to realize that my body is sexy, and that sexy is my own definition. I look at my body and I see luscious curves and smooth skin and jiggly bits and that is sexy.

I create my own definition and my own value.

How about you? What value do you put on yourself?

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How To: Self Love

This morning, a lovely lady named Anne commented on the Blessing Manifesting Facebook page.

"I want some positive advice on how to learn self love."

I then realized that out of the over 300 blog posts here at Blessing Manifesting I don't think any of them accurately cover what that question asks.

After a little bit of thought I came up with what I believe is the best way to start the journey and to begin loving yourself.

You can also read about my Self Love Journey in the 2013 Self Love Planner!

Fix what needs to be fixed. Accept what needs to be accepted.

Right now I could tell you that you should love and accept yourself just how you are, and that's true to some extent. You are deserving of love just as you are in this moment, no matter how flawed or broken you perceive yourself to be.

But...

To really love yourself, you gotta be someone worth loving, in your own opinion. I'll tell you a little bit about me. Before I started my self love journey I was extremely depressed, I had so many anger issues, and I had terrible impulse control. I was a big ol' meanie. Was I worth loving? Absolutely, but I couldn't do it.

So I fixed what I needed to fix. I started trying alternative methods to improve my moods, I researched anger management, I did the work and when I started to see the results and the subtle changes not only did I feel proud, but I felt the love.

I'm not saying that you need to change yourself, to love yourself by any means. I think the first step is to look at yourself and look at your life and ask yourself:

What's stopping you?

Sit with that answer, feel it out, and ask yourself if what happens next is change or acceptance. There's no 'right way'. I have tons of flaws, believe me, they are there and sometimes they are glaring, but none of them stop me from loving myself. I accept them as part of who I am. I know that I am not perfect and I know that I don't need to be.

Which brings us to point number two...

Realize that you don't have to be perfect to be loved.

Truer words were never typed. If you wait until you are perfect to love yourself you will be waiting forever. If you aren't a parent, imagine you are, the minute you see your child, you fall in love with them simply because they exist.

You probably have someone in your life that you love unconditionally don't you?

Why do you love them? Because it's worth it, because they are worth it. Reflect that back to yourself. No matter what, you're worth loving. You hold so much awesomeness right inside of you, so much love for other people, so many big dreams and hopes and if all that isn't worth loving, then I don't know what is.

Get to know yourself.

Seriously! Figure out who you are and what you want. Discover what you believe and know what your values are. It's just like dating someone new, you really have to figure out who they are before you fall in love.

Forgive yourself.

Let go of past, let go of your bad deeds, let go of your shame. Live your amends. If you've done something bad, then live your life in a good way, in a positive way. Putting that out into the world does more good than hating yourself ever could.

Forgive other people too. If someone put you down, if your parents or an ex-spouse or partner made you feel like you weren't good enough, or you weren't worth loving, let that go and forgive yourself. Holding on to that serves no purpose for you or anyone else. Letting go of that baggage is so (veryvery) hard, but it's worth it. Cross my heart.

Practice Self Care.

Make time to do things for yourself. Making time for the things that you love and the things that make you feel good is so important. It's putting into action what you are already feeling. Self Love and Self Care go hand in hand, one is the feeling and one is the action. It's the equivalent of a big ol' hug, or a passionate kiss, to yourself. You wouldn't love someone who never showed you affection or did anything nice for you now would ya!?

Don't give up.

Rome wasn't built in a day. If you're just now starting your journey, it might be rough going for a little while. You might get frustrated, you might feel like giving up, or that it's too much work, or it's stupid, or you'll never be good enough, or it's not important enough but let me tell you a secret:

If you don't give up, it's going to happen.

It's worth your time.

You are so worth the time and the effort.

What's your #1 Self Love how-to?

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Are you detoxing?

One of the things that comes up a lot of the time with my peoples is why does it hurt to change? When you start changes, good changes and positive changes, why do things start sucking even more?

Because you are detoxing.

When you give up the bad-for-you-things, whether they are physical or emotional, your body and your mind rebels.

If you are an avid coffee drinker give up coffee and see how you feel, or stop smoking, or eating sugar, or start exercising after a long period of inactivity. Usually it's a huge pain in the ass.

Then look at yourself two or three months later. You'll be freakin' rocking it.

That's the nature of change and transformation. It's painful. 

If you want to be happy start thinking happy thoughts and it will happen. That's usually a big pile of b.s. sorry to disappoint you. If you are the most negative person on the planet and you decide that you want to change all of that and be positive you have some work ahead of you.

First you're going to have to deal with the people in your life. They're going to be used to negative, glass-half-empty-you, and chances are, they're probably the same kind of people. So you turn up happy and positive and they're going to be very confused or resent you and not be happy for you. Which is going to bum you out and make you want to go back to negative you.

What are you going to do the first time something doesn't go your way? You get a flat tire on the way to work and forget your lunch and get in trouble for being late. How are you going to deal with that? You'll probably roll your eyes with an "Of course this was bound to happen because nothing ever good happens to me so why do I even bother?"

Positive change takes a lot of work, but once you get the hang of it, it's awesome.

Everyone has a certain set of default reactions, feelings, emotions, and coping mechanisms inside of them. We can change them, but it's not easy and it takes more than a few days, weeks, and sometimes even months and years.

It takes time for those changes to stick. The problem with New Year's Resolutions is that people expect it to be easy, they expect the good things to click right away and to override the bad or negative habits that are the default.

If it were that easy, then we'd all be perfect. 

If there's something that you're working on, something good-for-you, and you keep seeing all of this negative gunk coming up in your life as a result, acknowledge that you're detoxing. It's allowing you to get it out of your system, to deal with it, or to learn new ways to deal with it.

It doesn't mean you are failing.

It doesn't mean you should stop.

It just means that you need to keep going, keep leaning into it, because when you really come out the other side. You're going to be so damn proud.

What positive changes have you made that caused nothing but struggles for you in the beginning?

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What I Learned in 2012: Business Edition

It's still really hard to identify myself as a business woman. I mean yeah, I have a business and I have girly bits, but the term business woman puts into my head the vision of a powersuit and a corporate office.

Not someone who sits around in her jammies with a cup of coffee.

This year has been a huge year for me as far as my business goes. It has been epic. No matter what I do in the years to come, I know that this year has been, and will always be, the most important. It will be the one that I look back on and know that this has been the year where it all started to come together. When I came into my own. I have learned a lot and I will try to share with you the important bits. Now, I know my business outlook isn't the norm, I'm cautious, and I'm slow, and I take my time. Stability and security are two of the most important things to me. My business reflects me and that's okay. To each their own, right?

Emulation is alright, but authenticity is even better. 
When I was starting out I really didn't have a clear idea of who I wanted to be, I just knew who I wanted to be like. They inspired me to do what they did so I tried to be like them as best I could. In doing that, I discovered my own style. I discovered what it was that I liked to do and how I liked to do it, even though they did it differently. It allowed me to learn some really important lessons. I can only ever be me and they can only ever be them. Try as I might to be just like them, it won't ever happen, so all that is left is to be the best me that I can be. I'm glad I discovered my authenticity.

Investing in myself and in my work is something that I needed to do... eventually.
Starting out I wanted to do everything on the cheap. I didn't want to invest in myself because what if I *gasp* failed. Wasted money, down the drain, kaput. You know what? That was a good fear for me to have. It was a healthy fear and a realistic fear. I had nothing to lose in the beginning and that let me have comfort and security, something that I need as the Dominee that I am. Starting out I used blogger to blog (still do!), weebly for the website (first the free version and now the paid), and all of my products came from the program gimp (free), and openoffice (also free). I made my layout myself, I did everything myself. Damn good learning experience, I'll tell you that!

This last year I did Leonie's Business Course, I paid for a domain name, I bought photoshop and Microsoft Works, I've bought e-books on blogging and business, I've paid for ads, and invested in the things that I need including subscriptions to e-junkie and mailchimp (and guess what? I'm getting an awesome new camera soon! VIDEOS ARE COMING).

Starting out with nothing and still  being able to move forward and make something out of myself showed me that I was worth investing in!

I need my day job.
This year there was a huge focus in my online tribe on that big step of quitting the day job. I read blogs and articles that to really believe in yourself and your dream you had to give it your whole focus. That quitting your job would be this huge miracle for you, and you would succeed if you wanted it bad enough. For awhile I got caught in that dream. I wanted to quit my day job so bad. I began to resent going to work, and I was miserable. I kept being taunted with the thought to do it. Do it do it do it. And then I ran into reality.

I don't make enough right now to survive on my own. I don't have a spouse or family members to fall back on if I fail. I felt like a failure for thinking in terms of failure. I'm a positive-thinker, and a manifester, and a make-shit-happener. Shouldn't I cross my fingers, hope for a positive outcome, and then leap-of-faith?

No.

That's not for me. I realized that my business would suffer and so would my personality. Blessing Manifesting would cease to be about what is fun and what feels good. It would become 'What do I have to create to pay my rent this month?'. My bottom line would change and I don't want that. At least not now. When I get burnt out and don't want to write or hang out on social media, or blog, for days or a week at a time, nothing bad happens. In fact, nothing but good happens because I get to rest and replenish and be better when I return. Always stressing out about making ends meet would rob me of that (and ohhhh would there be some stressin'!)

Maybe quitting my day job would push me to do more, and be more, but right now, I'm happy just being me.

My business thrives on two things: Passion and Rest.
They're a bit opposite, I know, but they are so connected for me. Earlier this year I had a week of vacation from the day job. I decided that I was going to write enough blog posts for a month and then re-do this and re-do that and have the most EPIC vacation-not-vacation vacation EVER. I wrote and wrote and wrote and then I got tired of writing. Still I pushed myself and kept pushing until the very thought of writing made me roll my eyes in annoyance. I kept pushing though it (because I had a plan ya know) and by the end of the week I literally wanted nothing to do with my website, so I abandoned it for a few weeks and was in a horrible mood the whole time. That happened a few more times this year and then I learned the big secret:

Rest allows me to love what I do. 

If I had to work on Blessing Manifesting every minute of every day, I would not love it. I learned that when I get that first inkling of tiredness, I need to shut down, take a break, instead of push through it. For me, the pushing is the damaging part. Rest + Blessing Manifesting = best life ever.

I'm not good at socializing or networking so I stopped trying to be perfect at it.
I have a habit of being an anti-social hermit (OMG the secret is out!). All the biz articles I read starting out said I had to be social, I had to *gulp* talk to people. I made tons of friends and connections online. I e-mailed, I guest posted, I commented on other's blogs, I started conversations on facebook and twitter, I turned in to a social butterfly. Then I got burnt out really quickly. I lovelovelove all of the wonderful people I met and got to talk to, especially the friendships that were formed, but it felt really overwhelming to me to keep up with it all. I remember one day I just started crying because there were so many people that I had to respond to, and I felt so appreciative that they wanted to talk to me, but it was so overwhelming. I wanted to retreat so badly.

That was my hint (and I listened) that I need to step back a little and dip into conversation when I really feel called to. It's hard admitting that being uber social is something that I'm not good at but creating boundaries in that aspect of my business helps me excel in other ways.

And I'm totally okay with that.

You all know that I love you, even if sometimes I go all feral cat and hiss and run away when you try to talk to me... right... right? I kid, I kid. Bazinga. But really, you guys are my peoples and I heart ya. So that's what I've learned business-wise this year. I think there might be more, so if you see a Part 2 pop up at some point, don't be surprised!

If you have your own business, what's the most important thing you learned? What's your favorite of mine?

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The 10 Best Blog Posts of 2012!

This year has been a great year for me as far as blogging goes. Currently Blessing Manifesting is at 322 posts and 130425 pageviews! I can't wait to see where I'll be at this time next year. I feel this big shift in energy and in creativity and I hope that I do it proud in the coming year.

I hope that I am able to continue to shine, to be bright and brilliant, and to share all of the things that are in me to share.

I am so proud. Really I am. I know that I'm not the best technical writer and my grammar probably sucks, but I am still so proud for showing up. That's all I can ever do. Imperfect as I am. Here are some of my most popular and my favorite blog posts of 2012. I would LOVE (and love and love and love) if you'd share with me which ones are your favorites and which ones really resonate with you.

Let Others Help Themselves

I feel another's hurt and pain so clearly sometimes that it becomes my own. This is especially true for people that I am close to. I use to find myself obsessing about their problems, feeling hurt over them, anxious because of them, and racking my brain on how to FIX it.

I was living another person's issues and feelings and it doesn't take a genius to figure out that's a bad idea. It's wonderful to want to help your friends, to want to make them happy, to make their life better, but there's a thin line between supporting someone carrying a burden, helping them to carry a burden, and then trying to take the burden from them and carry it yourself. Read more...

Closing the Door On The Past

How often do you look back on the past and is it in celebration or to punish yourself? The thing about the past is it is there both to teach us and to torture us at the same time. There's a trick to it. The past is there to be learned from, the key here is learn.

This does not mean that you get to bring up the past to make yourself feel bad. To live a life full of regrets. Learn the lesson and then move joyfully on, putting it behind you. Read more...

I Am Lonely and I Am Pure Spirit

As you may know, I am single and I have been for years. Most days I love it. Somedays not so much. Oftentimes, I think that it wouldn't be so bad if I had a supportive group of friends around me, but I don't. I know that is something that I need to work on and I am trying.

I still get so heart-achingly lonely.

Yesterday I launched my latest ebook and started my life coaching practice. At the end of the day I had no one to celebrate with. No one to tell me that they were proud of me.  Read more...

5 Ways To Embrace Joy

Joy: A feeling of great pleasure and happiness. We can find joy within (and outside of) ourselves in a variety of ways. You should know yourself inside and out. You should know how to take care of yourself, how to make yourself happy, and how to do sweet things for yourself.

You'd be amazed at how delighted you can make yourself feel. Read more...

Wisdom From Lost's John Locke

Every struggle that you go through makes you stronger. You might wish with every fiber of your being that someone was there to stop the suffering (most times that only person that can stop it is you) but surviving it makes you stronger. It makes you more prepared to face the next struggle. Even if you don't see it now, or a year from now, or five years from now, doesn't mean it's not buried under there somewhere. Read more...

5 Ways To Stop Hating Your Body

The thing that always annoys me is the pictures that start out "Real women... (have curves/ aren't a size zero/ ect) To which I say "Poo poo!" Now I completely understand curvy women wanting to say "Look, I can be what I am and still be beautiful." but to do that at the expense of those women that don't have curves or are naturally thin, is no better than the media who likes to tell you how fat you are.

Real women come in all shapes and sizes. The end. Nobody should be defined by their body shape. Read more...

No babies for me. 

The older I get, the more frequently I hear the question and the more frequently I get asked by strangers if I have kids. That question is like an instant ice-breaker when you're meeting someone new. It's something to bond over, something to talk about, and if you don't have kids, people want to know why not. The closer I get to turning thirty, the more this question pops up, and the more resolve I have about my decision. I am never going to have kids. I've been met with a lot of different reactions to that answer. Read more...

5 Ways To Be Happy

There's nothing spectacular about my life (except that it's all mine and I love it) and if you really looked at it, there'd be tons of reasons for me not to be happy. I mean, I work at Walmart and I'm a spinster-crazy-cat-lady-without-cats. I could go on about all of the things that are wrong, all of the people that have hurt me, or been mean to me, and I could unpack all of my baggage right now, but the thing is, the bad stuff, it's there, but it's not worth ignoring the good stuff. My fab friends, my online pals, my soul-work, the Autumn wind blowing fresh air into my cozy, lil', apartment. There are so many things to be happy about that the not-so-happy stuff is just a few drops in the bucket of a good life. Read more...

Live Your Amends 

"You can't change what you've done, but you can change who you are and improve your life. It's hard to explain why living amends work. They do, somehow they just set you free." When I heard this part, it spoke to me so deeply, and I realized that's what I've been doing, in my own fumbling way. My life is about being of service and doing good work. I really, honestly, with my whole heart want to make a difference in someone's life, in YOUR life. Read more...

A Picture is Worth a Thousand Words of Self Love 

Pictures seemed like proof, hard, factual evidence, that I was unattractive, and who wants visible proof of that? I was letting my poor self-esteem and my bad self-image stop me from making memories, it stopped me from noticing the beauty in my face, and the beauty inside of myself. Lately I've been taking more pictures, (thank you smart phone + instagram) and allowing myself to fully believe that no picture is a bad picture because each picture that I take shows me, and that in itself makes it beautiful, because I am beautiful.
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Which one is your favorite?!

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9 Things I Learned in 2012

2012 was a decent year for me. In fact, I would even say it has been the best year of my life so far. Nothing earth-shattering happened, nothing life-changing occurred, and that within itself is what made it amazing.

There was no drama, no huge revelations, no deep, dark, sinister, depressions. I can totally dig more years like that!

Here's a list of what I learned this year.

I do not have to punish myself for being the person that I used to be. Punishing myself does not resolve me of the things that I did in the past. The only thing that I can do is live better, and I am.

Practicing epic self care has changed my life. There's a difference between knowing self care and implementing it into your daily life. This year I began to practice what I preached and it's been amaaaazing.

I realized that I'm a freakin' control freak. It is funny that I really didn't notice it before, seeing as how my word of the year was "Surrender". Letting go of control is something that I am still working on. Not being attached to outcomes is a hard thing to learn, which is what I've learned!

Other people's opinions about my body are irrelevant. It's easy to know it, but it's hard to let it sink in, but it's truth. People can say what they want. Their words don't matter. When I look in the mirror I truly love what I see now. It was a harder journey than I wanted it to be.

I have learned that I need to listen to myself more often. I've always had a habit of letting other people's opinions have more weight than my own, but that's truly no way to live. I'm much happier when I listen to what my heart tells me to do in all things. That's when you really start to become authentic.

I can let go of the people that don't belong in my life. I am not obligated to keep them. They do not  inherently deserve a spot in my life just because. If they earned that spot in the past, it doesn't mean they get to keep it forever. I deserve to have people in my life out of love, not obligation.

When you love who you are and when you embrace your self-confidence, amazing things happen around you. People are drawn to you in a way that they are not drawn to other people. It's a pretty amazing thing to realize people like you for liking yourself and it freaks me out a little bit too, hermit that I am.

Speaking my truth, about not having babies, about my past experiences, about my depression, it all has had it's purpose. A wonderful purpose of letting others know that they are not alone. Sharing my story is something that I have lost the fear of doing.

I've learned that being the main character in my own story is way better than just being a supporting one. I was always putting other people first, it was always about them and never about me. Allowing my life to be about me and what I want? Best thing ever.

Will you share with me one thing that you've learned this year?

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Live Your Amends

I love finding bits of real knowledge and wisdom from unexpected places. Tv shows, movies, and books are something that we integrate into our lives but we rarely see it as anything but entertainment. I really love when I'm watching something and I just get hit by that "Yes! Yes! Yes! Wisdom-alert!" feeling and it has a real, deep, effect on me. Also, I'm a huge tv junkie, so I can now justify it by writing awesome wisdom-inspired posts about it!

Private Practice, which is a spin-off of the tv show Grey's Anatomy, is about a group of doctors (and friends) that work together. In the episode called "Good Grief" there's a very deep conversation between Violet, who is a psychiatrist and Charlotte, who is the Chief of Staff at a hospital. Violet has a patient that did something terrible a decade earlier and is having trouble living with it. This is what Charlotte, a recovering alcoholic, tells her:

Charlotte: "In AA, making amends is essential. Sometimes the other party is gone or they refuse to forgive us, so we practice living amends."

Violet: "What is that? How do you do that?"

Charlotte: "Well you live the best life you can, do good where you can, help people when you can, be of service.

You can't change what you've done, but you can change who you are and improve your life.

It's hard to explain why living amends work. They do, somehow they just set you free."

When I heard this part, it spoke to me so deeply, and I realized that's what I've been doing, in my own fumbling way. My life is about being of service and doing good work. I really, honestly, with my whole heart want to make a difference in someone's life, in YOUR life. I want to change the world one person at a time. Ten years ago I would not have cared. Five years ago I would not have cared.

I was not a good person.

I've talked about how, in the past, I was selfish, and abusive, and boundary-pushing, and everything everyday was about me, me, me and if you did not make me happy, then Heaven help you because you were going to feel my wrath, usually in slicing and cutting words. I would tell people that I loved that I hated them. I would tell them to get the 'eff out of my life if they didn't do something I wanted when I wanted it. I would lie to get attention, I would throw a fit to get attention. I would push people away, on purpose, just to make sure they'd come back, because I felt some sort of validation from doing that. When you are absolutely awful to someone and then they still want to talk to you, well then you just must be that awesome. It's a horrible way to seek validation, but it's something that I would do.

I was not a good person.

Sometimes I wonder about fate and destiny and all of that. If this path was chosen for me or if I chose it for myself. Either way, I know that I am meant to be doing whatever it is that I am doing. Maybe it was the work I was born to do, or maybe it was the work I chose to do for the simple need to live with myself and my choices.

It is a life of amends.

And I'm totally okay with that. Despite what lead me to this path, or why I'm on it, I'm here, and for the first time in my entire life I've been happy. I've been really truly happy, for days, for weeks, for months, it's been over a year. I remember my last uber severe period of depression (It's been almost two years now) and I can't imagine that it will ever feel that bad for me. Maybe it's just wishful thinking, or maybe it's truth. All I know is that I am better, my life is better. I am happy.

I am living the best life I can.

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Hestia: First and Last

One of my favorite Goddesses is Hestia, she's the true Domestic Goddess, ruling over the hearth and home.

When people come over to my apartment, which is very rare because only the most important people are allowed into the sacred space of Dominee, mainly because it truly is a sacred place to me, and of course you all have an open invitation to tea because you are pretty sacred to me too.

Hestia was considered both the oldest and youngest of Olympians, Oldest because she was the first-born of Rhea and youngest because when Cronus swallowed all of his children in an effort to stop them from overthrowing him, she was the last to be disgorged. This earned her the title Hestia, First and Last.

I've had an affection for Hestia for many years now. I even wrote about her previously in regards to Spring Cleaning. She's just one of my favorites, I can't help myself! Up above is my little Hestia altar in my kitchen, one of her places of power. Fireplaces, kitchens, and places of warmth and homeyness are perfect places to celebrate the power of Hestia.

I wanted to share a wee bit about my altar. The crocheted Hestia doll was found on etsy and is one of my favorite purchases ever. It's so adorable! I was also so happy to find the stove/teapot essential oil warmer. The statue is my pride and joy! I could not find a suitable statue of Hestia so instead I found an unpainted statue of the Virgin Mary and I then painted her in the likness of how I saw Hestia. I think she turned out beautifully and it really imbued her with a sense of what Hestia means to me.

I keep my keys in a silver soap dish as a way of blessing the security of my home. There are few things more precious than a safe and happy space to come home to.

May your own home be blessed.

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Wisdom From Lost's John Locke

I am a gigantic fan of Lost and recently I've started re-watching it from the first episode.

For all of you weirdos that have never seen it (I say that very lovingly of course), Lost is about a group of people who are plane-crashed on a mysterious Island. All of the survivors are damaged human beings, they all have complicated and rich histories, they all have secrets and struggles. They all have things that they are ashamed of, and by the end of the series, each and every one of them comes into their own, embraces who they really are, and they all realize that they are stronger than their pasts.

I was watching an episode a few days ago and I fell in love with a certain concept. You see, when I first watched Lost years ago, it was before my "big change", before I realized all of the things that I hated about myself were fixable, before I realized I had the power to change. This time around while watching it, my heart just went "Yesyesyes" at this part of the episode.

The exchange takes place between John Locke, a man who knows all about suffering. Before the plane crash he was in a wheelchair, paralyzed from the waist down. He was constantly told that he couldn't do anything. After the plane crash he wakes up on the Island and he can walk again. Charlie, another survivor, is a washed up Rock Star who also happens to be addicted to heroin, cue troubled times for Charlie.

Locke realizes what's going on with Charlie and asks Charlie to give him the last of his heroin, which Charlie does. The next few days are a struggle for Charlie, he starts going through withdrawals, he starts doubting his worth on the Island, he starts thinking about the past and the things that validate his feelings of worthlessness.

He asks Locke for the drugs back and Locke tells him no, but if he asks two more times he can have them. This takes place in the jungle on the second time.

Locke: What do you suppose is in that cocoon, Charlie?
Charlie: I don't know. A - a - a butterfly, I guess.
Locke: No, it's much more beautiful than that. That's a moth cocoon. It's ironic - butterflies get all the attention, but moths, they spin silk. They're stronger. They're faster.
Charlie: That's wonderful, but...
Locke: You see this little hole? This moth's just about to emerge. It's in there right now, struggling. It's digging it's way through the thick hide of the cocoon. Now, I could help it - take my knife, gently widen the opening, and the moth would be free - but it would be too weak to survive. Struggle is nature's way of strengthening it. Now this is the second time you've asked me for your drugs back... ask me again, and it's yours. 

Gotta love that right? I realized how true that was and it made me giddy that I could fully understand. Without my struggles I wouldn't be who I am today. If someone would have just come along and fixed all of my problems (like I wished so very many times that they would) then this Dominee right here, writing about all of the stuff that this Dominee writes about, wouldn't exist.

Every struggle that you go through makes you stronger. 

You might wish with every fiber of your being that someone was there to stop the suffering (most times that only person that can stop it is you) but surviving it makes you stronger. It makes you more prepared to face the next struggle. Even if you don't see it now, or a year from now, or five years from now, doesn't mean it's not buried under there somewhere. So often we hide our struggles behind layers of shame, fear, and guilt and that stops us from seeing the strength and the other gifts that come out of those situations.

To stand up and say, "This is what I went through. This is what I learned. Now I am stronger." Is one of the greatest gifts of wisdom you can give yourself. Share your story. When you share your struggles and what you've learned from them, then you empower others to do the same.

What struggles have strengthened you? What struggles do you still feel shame and guilt about? Can you look deep within yourself and find any gifts that came from that?

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Summer Blessings!!!

My Summer e-book is here, yay! It's a month later than I had planned, but better late than never right? I have spent the last seven days busily working on all of my ebooks. My older ones got complete make-overs and now they all look bright and shiny.

Right here in this moment I am utterly exhausted, yet so content and happy that I could burst.

It's been a long week. I've been wanting to re-do my Autumn and Winter e-books for a very long time because I was so unhappy with them. It seemed like such a daunting task and to have got it done makes me feel so proud and accomplished. The Autumn e-book even tripled in word count. As I mentioned in my last blog post, if you bought one of the older versions of my e-books you'll get the links to updated version sent to your inbox some time this week.

If there's one lesson I have learned from Summer it's to go for it, to be passionate and give my all.

I learned to harness that vibrant, creative, energy and make magic. I've worked a minimum of 12 hours each day on the e-books and workbooks and not once did I feel my passion wane. I always woke up so happy and excited to get to work and get something accomplished. Having that much passion and drive was really amazing.

For awhile there I was worried that my self care practices would suffer but amazingly they didn't. I found time to go hang out with friends a few times, I spent time snuggled up in bed reading my newest romance novel, and I relaxed while watching a few movies. Gran Torino made me bawl like a baby, just so you know.

I feel like I just gave birth... you know... aside from the owied lady-bits part. I'm exhausted but happy. This week really showed me where I want Blessing Manifesting to go and what I want to do. A year ago if you had asked me what I wanted to do with my life my response would have been "Be happy." Today my response is "Be happy... and change the world."

My next project, hopefully out by October, will be a Six Week Self-Love e-course. 

I would really love your feedback on what you would want/expect from something like that. It'd be my first e-course and I want it tailored completely to you! Would you want or expect videos? Would you want all of the course information sent to you at once or a week at a time? Would a week focused on self care and sex make you uncomfortable? What are you biggest self love/self care challenges? 

Let me know what you think!

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Top 5 Oracle Posts

Hey sweets! I've been feeling myself approach that feeling of business burn out so this week, (in line with my self care principles!) instead of writing up new content, we're going to take a trip down memory lane of my favorite blog posts each day this week.

Honesty
How you tell the truth says a lot about who you are. Especially how honest you are with yourself. Is there something that you need to be honest with yourself, or someone else, about? How can you do it in a gentle, compassionate, way?

I am lonely and I am pure spirit
Being single, I get lonely a lot. In those moments it's important to tell myself that it's all going to be okay. I realize that I am part of something magical.

Let others help themselves
I'm a bit empathic, which means that I pick up moods and feelings very easily and this can be very problematic at times. I feel another's hurt and pain so clearly sometimes that it becomes my own and I need to FIX it. It took a lot for me to realize that sometimes you need to let people help themselves.

Thoughts Can Be Changed

I came to a pretty awesome conclusion. "It is only a thought and thoughts can be changed." Whoa, that easy huh? Well it's not, but it IS possible. 

Strangely Lonely

There's something about me that stops me from giving my whole heart, or makes me crazy when I do. I hold on way too tight to my childhood wounds, to the fear that if the people who were "supposed" to love me, didn't, then there's no way that someone would love me of their own free will. Heavy stuff.

I'd love your comments on those posts or right here. I would love to hear what resonates with you here. Much love to you!

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Making Amends With the Past

Happy Self Care Sunday my Dearhearts! As you know, Self Care is all about taking care of yourself physically, mentally, and spiritually. There's lots of inner work we can do. Not all at once of course, and that's what this post is all about.

We have to acknowledge how far we've come on our individual journeys.

A lot of things have been on my mind lately. If you've followed my posts for a while you'll know that last year one of my friendships ended. The friendship really meant a lot to me, but at the same time she and I were very negative and destructive towards each other. It was a mess and had been for years. At the beginning of last year, perhaps the end of the year before that, I started to change. I really wanted to work on my shit. I wanted to stop being angry, mean, explosive, selfish, petty, abusive, and all of those things that I was. I wanted to practice forgiveness and acceptance. I wanted to give her the freedom to be herself without me constantly wanting her to be someone she wasn't.

I failed miserably. 

She wasn't in the same place, she was still angry and resentful with me over the past. I understood why, it's like hitting someone over and over again, each time telling them that you've changed, and then going right back to hitting them. I can't blame her for seeing me as the person that I used to be. Unfortunately that was something I earned. It made me angry and resentful that I was trying so hard to fix things and it wasn't making a difference. I spent days crying, feeling like a complete failure, wondering why my efforts didn't matter.

But it did matter.

Perhaps not to her, but it was a turning point for me. It was a time when I realized that I didn't want to be that person that I had been in the past. It wasn't enough for her, but it was enough for me. Instead of continuing the cycle of trying to fix things and being put down, I let go. I just stopped talking to her. No harsh words, no belittling, no fighting, I was as mature as I could be, something that was very new to me at the time. Believe me when I say that harsh words came very easily in that situation.

It's been over a year since I made this change in myself and I look back at the past often. I think to myself, Why couldn't I have changed my behavior sooner? Why couldn't I have noticed that my actions weren't healthy to me or anyone else? Why did it take me so long? Why, why, why?

It is happening now and that is enough.

I still struggle with the loss of that friendship, it is on my mind a lot. I want to reach out, to reconnect, but my intuition tells me that things haven't changed enough for it to be a healthy choice. I want, and need, so badly to let go of the shame of the person I was.

Today's Self Care Assignment is to acknowledge your journey. Acknowledge how far you've come.

I am far from perfect and it's still frustrating. There's so much that I want to be. I'm not there yet, but I've come so far. A year ago I was someone different. Five years ago I was someone different. I really like who I am now and I really like who I am becoming. I want you to feel the same way.

So even if you have work to do, and I think a lot of us feel that we do, accept that you've come far already. Bravely (if not fearlessly!) stepping on to the path of change and traveling your way down it. I am proud of you, and I think you are awesome for it!

What amends do you have to make? What things do you have to work on? How far have you come already?

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Joy is like a one night stand.

I'd love for you to join the tribe of Wishcasters. Every Wednesday we flock to our blogs, we answer a question, and then we all visit each other and leave a comment like "As you wish for yourself, so I wish for you as well." It's a great way to connect, to share, and to bring our wishes one step closer to manifesting. Today we are asked: What do you wish to jump into?

I wish to jump into joy.

You see, I have many relationships. For example, for a long time Anxiety and I were best friends, attached at the hip we were. We still hang out from time to time, but not as much as we used to. Depression and I have one of those relationships where you break up and then get back together a few months later, you know the type. We get together less often now, but he's still around. Happiness and I are getting acquainted, hanging out more and more, I quite like her. Joy however...

Joy is like a one night stand.

We get together, have a great time, and then joy leaves. I don't get too attached, after all, what's the point? It won't stay.

Honestly, I never ask it to, never expect it to. I don't allow myself to immerse myself in that relationship. I want to change that. I still distance myself from "happy" emotions. It's still new to me, still something that I am discovering. A path that is overgrown with foliage but one I am excited to try to navigate. I'm still afraid to let those emotions really get to me, afraid that Depression and Anxiety will show up and snatch Happiness and Joy away.

I wish to jump into joy, jump into emotions and allow myself to have an experience with them, feel them fully, immerse myself in them, and not be afraid of them.

A live-in-the-moment kinda thing.

Happy wishing!

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I am lonely and I am pure Spirit.

Today's card is from Louise L. Hay's Wisdom Cards and has the message, "I am aware that I am pure consciousness. I am not lonely, or lost, or abandoned. I am one with all of life." On the flip side. "I am Pure Spirit."

As you may know, I am single and I have been for years. Most days I love it. Somedays not so much. Oftentimes, I think that it wouldn't be so bad if I had a supportive group of friends around me, but I don't. I know that is something that I need to work on and I am trying.

I still get so heart-achingly lonely.

Yesterday I launched my latest ebook and started my life coaching practice. At the end of the day I had no one to celebrate with. No one to tell me that they were proud of me. I do know so many of you are, never doubt that I am thankful for all of the online support I have. It is truly invaluable. I know my Tribe is proud of me and loves me.

It still would've been nice to hear it in person. To feel a hug, a pat on the back, something. This left me spending a few hours of the day in a funk. I was watching television and of course there had to be that sweet romantic scene with two people cuddled up tenderly in bed.

It made me cry.

I'm very... we'll go with picky... about relationships. I haven't been in one in many years and I honestly think that is for the best. I've had prospects of course, but no one who calls out to me on a spiritual level and if I do embark on a relationship, that's what I want. I know that I'm still young, (I'm 26) but dating doesn't appeal to me. Anyone that I do see myself developing feelings for, just seems to want the kind of friends-with-benefits relationship that these young'uns are into now a'days, and that doesn't ring true to me.

So I am here alone, and it's quite lonely indeed.

Although that feeling of loneliness doesn't have the power over me that it used to. It will come, it will stay for a bit, and then it will leave. I will not spend a whole day in bed crying. I will not lay lethargic on the couch listening to sad music. I will accept that yes, I am lonely, and yes, this feeling will go away.

I will realize that I am part of something. Something magical and healing. Something beautiful and strong. I am part of you. I am part of the Universe, of the Great Spirit that binds us all together.

It's hard to feel lonely when you know that you're part of that.

How do you deal with feelings of loneliness? I'd love to hear your thoughts.

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Let Others Help Themselves

Morning my heart-loves. Today's card comes from Louise L Hay's Wisdom Cards and it is something that I've wanted to talk about.

You see, I'm a bit of an empath.

What is an empath? An empath is someone who is sensitive to another person's feelings and emotions. Not just the obvious emotions either, a lot of the time you just know what's going on underneath. The things that they aren't showing.

It gives me great insight into people and I feel like it's a huge advantage in being able to connect with other people.
It can also completely suck.

I pick up moods and feelings very easily and this can be very problematic at times. My good moods drop significantly when being around people who aren't happy. I feel another's hurt and pain so clearly sometimes that it becomes my own. This is especially true for people that I am close to. I use to find myself obsessing about their problems, feeling hurt over them, anxious because of them, and racking my brain on how to FIX it.

I was living another person's issues and feelings and it doesn't take a genius to figure out that's a bad idea.

It's wonderful to want to help your friends, to want to make them happy, to make their life better, but there's a thin line between supporting someone carrying a burden, helping them to carry a burden, and then trying to take the burden from them and carry it yourself. The Wisdom Card up above says:

"I can not learn other people's lessons for them. They must do the work themselves, and they will do it when they are ready."

That's a tough lesson for me. I want to help people. I want my loved ones to be happy. I also have to allow them to walk their own path. When they're ready they will do the work, they will take care of their "stuff" it's not my job to do it for them, as much as I may want to. This lesson reflects back on my word of the year, which is "boundaries". Every day is a new experience.

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Fierce Body Love

Self Care Sunday! I was going to write a post about how accepting kindness from others is a good, nourishing, thing. However, that's going to wait. Wondering why?

Because I'm pissed off. 

Last night I was thinking that over the Winter I've gained weight, my eating habits have been terrible, I've managed to get a cold once each month. I started thinking about Summer and jogging/running (which I love), basketball (which I'm not very good at but love anyway) and how my Winter-weight would easily come off.

On my personal twitter account I tweeted: "Random thought. I'm wondering how much I weigh. I think I need to lose 15ish pounds. Can't wait till Summer."

This was the response I got from one of my "friends":

"Really? You don't think you look HIV-y enough?"

That completely floored me and crushed me. I spent the whole night in tears. I look like I have HIV? Do I look that thin? Do I look sick and emaciated? Is that what people see when they look at me?

I honestly think it's the cruelest thing anyone has ever said to me.

If you've read my post, the Body Sacred, then you'll know about my weight 'struggles' which are a bit topsy turvy.

I spent my whole life being on the heavy side. I weighed over 200lb three years ago and I liked my body. I thought my curves were sexy and my body was beautiful. I started to treat my body better by eating healthier and exercising for the first time in my life. I ended up losing over 70lb and it completely screwed with my head.

I missed my "fullness", I missed my curves. At 130lbs (I'm also pretty short, only 5"1) I started feeling so unsexy and bad about my body. This was perpetuated by people jokingly telling me that I needed to eat a cheeseburger, telling me to eat, asking me if I was anorexic.

I felt incredibly uncomfortable in my own body. 

No one said anything about my body when I weighed 200lb and now they were and it felt over-overwhelmingly negative.

I felt like a 200lb woman, stuck in a 130lb body, where everyone saw me as 80lb. It was terrible.
Over the last year I've made peace with it. Started to love my body again, see it as sexy, join the "no-matter-what-size-you-are-you-are-BEAUTIFUL" mentality. And then:

"Really? You don't think you look HIV-y enough?"

It sent me into a tailspin of depression. This wasn't from a random person on the internet. It was from someone I've known for seven years. Someone I see on a weekly basis at work. Someone I considered a friend. I went back to the place of "You look so hideous." However my mind refused to agree.

"You ARE beautiful," my mind said over and over. "You don't look emaciated. You don't look sickly. You look beautiful." And after a while my hurt heart began to agree. 

So I decided I was going to go home and take a picture of my BEAUTIFUL body. Stretch marks and all. Curves and all. That's me up there and I know that I am beautiful. I no longer demean my body and I will not allow someone else to do so. I love my body and I do not give permission to anyone to disparage my body.

It is my body, mine, and I will honor it, I will protect it, and I will love it fiercely.

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Paper Boats On Rivers of Hate

“Anger is like flowing water; there's nothing wrong with it as long as you let it flow. Hate is like stagnant water; anger that you denied yourself the freedom to feel, the freedom to flow; water that you gathered in one place and left to forget. Stagnant water becomes dirty, stinky, disease-ridden, poisonous, deadly; that is your hate. On flowing water travels little paper boats; paper boats of forgiveness. Allow yourself to feel anger, allow your waters to flow, along with all the paper boats of forgiveness. Be human.” ― C. JoyBell C.

Thursdays are usually where I share a little oracle card reading with you, but today I found this quote and it wanted and needed to be shared and written  about. This year started off on a really great note for me, full of joy and happiness, and then I found myself falling into old patterns.

The Past keeps creeping up, poisoning my Present.

I spent the last year feeling this huge shift in my body and my spirit.

Growing pains.

Hurting. Engulfing. Expanding. Coming out of self-imposed shells and casings.

I wanted to be the person that could breathe into my heart, into love, and have forgiveness. I wanted to be a good person. I haven't always wanted to be that person. In the past I held grudges, I was vindictive, I even relished passive-aggressive acts of revenge. I am an extremely intuitive person and as much as that gift allows me to help others it also gives me great insight into people, their weakness, and the things that hurt them.

I would use that to cut others to the bone.

Then I began to transform and I realized that path wasn't one I wanted to walk down anymore. I chose the opposite path. One of love and forgiveness.

Transformation doesn't happen that quickly.

In my head I was letting things go, but in reality I really didn't know how. I was thinking the right things, "I forgive so-and-so, everything is okay." In reality there was pool of anger and resentment building inside of me.

Over the last few days it's all come bubbling up and I realize I don't have my shit as together as I thought I did. (Isn't that how it always goes?) So now I am sitting here with all of those feelings. As things painfully shift inside of me again. I know it's going to be alright, I'll get through it, be wiser for it, but right now I am treading the stagnant, dirty, stinky, disease-ridden, poisonous, water, trying to keep my head above it all.

It'll be okay.

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