Paper Boats On Rivers of Hate

“Anger is like flowing water; there's nothing wrong with it as long as you let it flow. Hate is like stagnant water; anger that you denied yourself the freedom to feel, the freedom to flow; water that you gathered in one place and left to forget. Stagnant water becomes dirty, stinky, disease-ridden, poisonous, deadly; that is your hate. On flowing water travels little paper boats; paper boats of forgiveness. Allow yourself to feel anger, allow your waters to flow, along with all the paper boats of forgiveness. Be human.” ― C. JoyBell C.

Thursdays are usually where I share a little oracle card reading with you, but today I found this quote and it wanted and needed to be shared and written  about. This year started off on a really great note for me, full of joy and happiness, and then I found myself falling into old patterns.

The Past keeps creeping up, poisoning my Present.

I spent the last year feeling this huge shift in my body and my spirit.

Growing pains.

Hurting. Engulfing. Expanding. Coming out of self-imposed shells and casings.

I wanted to be the person that could breathe into my heart, into love, and have forgiveness. I wanted to be a good person. I haven't always wanted to be that person. In the past I held grudges, I was vindictive, I even relished passive-aggressive acts of revenge. I am an extremely intuitive person and as much as that gift allows me to help others it also gives me great insight into people, their weakness, and the things that hurt them.

I would use that to cut others to the bone.

Then I began to transform and I realized that path wasn't one I wanted to walk down anymore. I chose the opposite path. One of love and forgiveness.

Transformation doesn't happen that quickly.

In my head I was letting things go, but in reality I really didn't know how. I was thinking the right things, "I forgive so-and-so, everything is okay." In reality there was pool of anger and resentment building inside of me.

Over the last few days it's all come bubbling up and I realize I don't have my shit as together as I thought I did. (Isn't that how it always goes?) So now I am sitting here with all of those feelings. As things painfully shift inside of me again. I know it's going to be alright, I'll get through it, be wiser for it, but right now I am treading the stagnant, dirty, stinky, disease-ridden, poisonous, water, trying to keep my head above it all.

It'll be okay.