So lately I've been working on my latest project, Inner Journeys, which are half e-course/ half self-love coaching. Each one has a theme and a few days ago I was working on the Beautiful Body Acceptance Journey, coming up with prompts and homework and general love-yourself-inspiration.
Then I had a thought, "I wonder how much I weigh?"
I've talked about my weight and how I've had struggles with accepting me. I went from being over 200lbs to being 130lbs and I was able to stay there for awhile and then I let something terrible happen. I let other people get into my head.
When you lose so much weight it can change your relationships with the people around you. When you've been the "fat kid" all of your life and suddenly you aren't, people look at you differently. I had people making jokes at my expense, offering to buy me food, telling me I was anorexic, literally asking me what I was eating to make sure I was, telling me my face looked so skinny. Keep in mind I'm 5'1 and was at 130lb. I was wearing size 8-10 jeans. I was not emaciated, or unhealthy, or scary looking. I was healthy, but I let other people get into my head and I believed I looked better when I was heavier.
So I stopped caring what I ate and I stopped caring if I exercised.
I gained weight and shocker of shockers, I started getting compliments. "Your face is filling out again, you look normal. You're looking so much better, being that skinny just didn't fit you." One of the people that frequently picked at my weight when I was smaller walked by once and put her hand on my shoulder with an "I'm so glad you're getting healthier."
I swear I have weird people in my life. In the end I just stopped caring because my body is just one aspect of myself. I had this eat and be merry and people will leave you the hell alone - attitude. It worked, the comments stopped and I was content, except for the fact that my pants weren't fitting, but eh, they're just pants, I can get new ones right?
Fast forward to the other day. I was working on the Body Acceptance thing and decided that I ought to pull out the scale, after a good six months, and see how much I weighed. I've gained 26lbs and then I had a girly freak-out. I had this moment of "Oh my God I am so disgusting and fat." Bad inner self talk. Badbadbad.
Thankfully after a few minutes of sliding down that Mountain o' Suck, my inner-self, wise woman that she is, grabbed me by the britches and stopped me in my tracks. This is what she said.
Your body is only a small part of who you are.
True dat! I mean, I'm Domi-freakin'-nee, look at what I do. I make miracles, I change lives, I have this huge purpose. Why does a number on the scale matter so much? It doesn't, I mean it matters, because it is my health, but it doesn't matter enough to start berating myself and tearing down my self esteem. I'm not disgusting, not even a little bit.
If you don't like your body, change it.
I realized that I've been avoiding thinking about where I am happy at with my body and what makes me feel good. It was easier to ignore what I wanted and just go with the flow. In truth, I am perfectly capable of eating better and rekindling my love for jogging or yoga or aerobics. You know the saying "No used crying over spilled milk?" That's because you take a paper towel, mop it up, and voila, life is great. Getting back to where I was takes more energy and commitment, but it's remedied and fixable. I just need the motivation to start, and keep with it, and that brings me to point number three.
Someone else's opinion about your body is always irrelevant. ALWAYS.
We're not talking about the color of drapes, or the positioning of a couch. We're talking about my body, my body that allows me to do the wonderful things that I do on a daily basis. I would not let someone tell me what I should do with my life so why allow them to influence what I do with my body?
What I learned from this little freak out is that I do love and accept my body, just how it is, what I don't accept is the fact that I let other people influence how I treated it, that I disappointed myself in unraveling the work that I'd done to get healthier. This journey is SO about me and not about anyone else.
True story.
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