Because I'm pissed off.
Last night I was thinking that over the Winter I've gained weight, my eating habits have been terrible, I've managed to get a cold once each month. I started thinking about Summer and jogging/running (which I love), basketball (which I'm not very good at but love anyway) and how my Winter-weight would easily come off.
On my personal twitter account I tweeted: "Random thought. I'm wondering how much I weigh. I think I need to lose 15ish pounds. Can't wait till Summer."
This was the response I got from one of my "friends":
"Really? You don't think you look HIV-y enough?"
That completely floored me and crushed me. I spent the whole night in tears. I look like I have HIV? Do I look that thin? Do I look sick and emaciated? Is that what people see when they look at me?
I honestly think it's the cruelest thing anyone has ever said to me.
If you've read my post, the Body Sacred, then you'll know about my weight 'struggles' which are a bit topsy turvy.
I spent my whole life being on the heavy side. I weighed over 200lb three years ago and I liked my body. I thought my curves were sexy and my body was beautiful. I started to treat my body better by eating healthier and exercising for the first time in my life. I ended up losing over 70lb and it completely screwed with my head.
I missed my "fullness", I missed my curves. At 130lbs (I'm also pretty short, only 5"1) I started feeling so unsexy and bad about my body. This was perpetuated by people jokingly telling me that I needed to eat a cheeseburger, telling me to eat, asking me if I was anorexic.
I felt incredibly uncomfortable in my own body.
No one said anything about my body when I weighed 200lb and now they were and it felt over-overwhelmingly negative.
I felt like a 200lb woman, stuck in a 130lb body, where everyone saw me as 80lb. It was terrible.
Over the last year I've made peace with it. Started to love my body again, see it as sexy, join the "no-matter-what-size-you-are-you-are-BEAUTIFUL" mentality. And then:
"Really? You don't think you look HIV-y enough?"
It sent me into a tailspin of depression. This wasn't from a random person on the internet. It was from someone I've known for seven years. Someone I see on a weekly basis at work. Someone I considered a friend. I went back to the place of "You look so hideous." However my mind refused to agree.
"You ARE beautiful," my mind said over and over. "You don't look emaciated. You don't look sickly. You look beautiful." And after a while my hurt heart began to agree.
So I decided I was going to go home and take a picture of my BEAUTIFUL body. Stretch marks and all. Curves and all. That's me up there and I know that I am beautiful. I no longer demean my body and I will not allow someone else to do so. I love my body and I do not give permission to anyone to disparage my body.
It is my body, mine, and I will honor it, I will protect it, and I will love it fiercely.
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