We have to acknowledge how far we've come on our individual journeys.
A lot of things have been on my mind lately. If you've followed my posts for a while you'll know that last year one of my friendships ended. The friendship really meant a lot to me, but at the same time she and I were very negative and destructive towards each other. It was a mess and had been for years. At the beginning of last year, perhaps the end of the year before that, I started to change. I really wanted to work on my shit. I wanted to stop being angry, mean, explosive, selfish, petty, abusive, and all of those things that I was. I wanted to practice forgiveness and acceptance. I wanted to give her the freedom to be herself without me constantly wanting her to be someone she wasn't.
I failed miserably.
She wasn't in the same place, she was still angry and resentful with me over the past. I understood why, it's like hitting someone over and over again, each time telling them that you've changed, and then going right back to hitting them. I can't blame her for seeing me as the person that I used to be. Unfortunately that was something I earned. It made me angry and resentful that I was trying so hard to fix things and it wasn't making a difference. I spent days crying, feeling like a complete failure, wondering why my efforts didn't matter.
But it did matter.
Perhaps not to her, but it was a turning point for me. It was a time when I realized that I didn't want to be that person that I had been in the past. It wasn't enough for her, but it was enough for me. Instead of continuing the cycle of trying to fix things and being put down, I let go. I just stopped talking to her. No harsh words, no belittling, no fighting, I was as mature as I could be, something that was very new to me at the time. Believe me when I say that harsh words came very easily in that situation.
It's been over a year since I made this change in myself and I look back at the past often. I think to myself, Why couldn't I have changed my behavior sooner? Why couldn't I have noticed that my actions weren't healthy to me or anyone else? Why did it take me so long? Why, why, why?
It is happening now and that is enough.
I still struggle with the loss of that friendship, it is on my mind a lot. I want to reach out, to reconnect, but my intuition tells me that things haven't changed enough for it to be a healthy choice. I want, and need, so badly to let go of the shame of the person I was.
Today's Self Care Assignment is to acknowledge your journey. Acknowledge how far you've come.
I am far from perfect and it's still frustrating. There's so much that I want to be. I'm not there yet, but I've come so far. A year ago I was someone different. Five years ago I was someone different. I really like who I am now and I really like who I am becoming. I want you to feel the same way.
So even if you have work to do, and I think a lot of us feel that we do, accept that you've come far already. Bravely (if not fearlessly!) stepping on to the path of change and traveling your way down it. I am proud of you, and I think you are awesome for it!
What amends do you have to make? What things do you have to work on? How far have you come already?
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