Epically long and full of parenthesis and italics.

This. This has not been a good week. I started my vacation from my day job (or night job, as it were) on Tuesday and I was expecting nine days of awesomeness and bliss. Currently we are on Day Six and I have yet to be smacked upside the head by The Awesome or The Bliss.

I also have blogger's block, which isn't helping matters. I suppose it's not really bloggers block, I have tons of things to write about, it's just a general lack of motivation and a convincing of myself that no one cares what I have to say, so why bother? (That's totally not fair to you because you're here reading this, so you must care a little)

I debated upon waiting to blog when I was in a better mood, but it's been a few days now and sometimes the best way is to just get it out of my system, hope it works, and then move on. There's something about putting your "stuff" out into the world that is therapeutic. Maybe it helps me feel like I'm not in it alone, maybe it just feels good to get it out (I've had the tendency to bottle up my emotions, ask me how well that works). So forgive me as I allow my feelings to dance around the keyboard in an incoherent manner.

I've been focusing on Self Care the last several days. Yummy coffee. Peanut butter cookies. Fuzzy socks. Warm blankets. Hot baths. Fingerless gloves with racoon faces on them. My special happy-Panda hat. (I'm wearing it in the picture, I can't decide if the picture is cute or creepy, a bit of both methinks, and it makes me giggle) Romance novels in bed. Naps whenever I want them. Chinese food from my favorite place. My favorite pajama pants with stars all over them. Sleeping in until I wake up naturally. A little bit of retail therapy. Walks in the morning sunshine. Jamming out to music that makes me want to move and dance and smile.

I've tried to have a positive attitude about things but each time something knocks me back a bit, I slide down a little bit more and it's harder to pick myself back up again (pssst... secret here. The secret to success in anything is getting back up after you've failed.) I've also re-remembered a very important lesson.

There is a difference between Self Care and Avoidance.

I have also been playing a lot of World of Warcraft, watching a lot of TV, and listening to music to fill any of the silent spaces in between. Silence is my enemy because it affords me the time to think about things that I don't want to think about. I buy into the delusion that if I fill up my day with self love and self care then the bad stuff will go away. It doesn't work like that (shocker) but that hasn't stopped me from trying. I've talked about how I'm an A + B = C kind of gal, even though life continues to teach me otherwise. I was always bad at math.

Lately, I've been falling back into old patterns. I've spent more time playing World of Warcraft than I have anything else this vacation. The reason why is encompassed by one word: Escapism. In my younger days when I wasseverely depressed, I would play for hours upon hours because it gave me something to do that wasn't moping. Since embarking on my life transformation, I only play a few hours a week and that is because I have found something (many things) that are more worth my time and that make me feel fulfilled in a wonderful and nourishing way. I realized I'm using it as an escape (again) but I still do it. It takes so much effort to deal with my "stuff" and I've run out of effort. (Do you ever get that way, when it's easier to ignore your problems than to deal with them?)

My first problem: Overwhelm

I'm sure you already knew this, (or could guess!) but I am a HSP, which stands for Highly Sensitive Person. What this means is that I am sensitive to a lot of things and I feel a lot of things, and sometimes those things discombobulate and overwhelm me. This ties in to my dislike of being around lots of people for long periods of time. I am a solitary person my nature (Kinda like a badger. Fun fact, Hufflepuff was always my chosen Hogwarts House), so when a friend of mine asked me to come over for a gaming session of Dungeons and Dragons, I initially said no. However, some part of my brain decided that I should give it a go (silly brain, oh silly, silly, brain). The last time I played was five years ago, and back then I was hell-bent on proving to everyone (and myself) that I was normal and could be social. (Being teased about my anti-socialness gave me something to prove.)

Today, I know that I am not "normal" when it comes to socialization. I accept it, embrace it, and most days I'm totally okay with it. I can hang out with my bestie and his kids and be perfectly fine. I can hang out with other people in twos or threes for a bit, have a fun conversation and not bat an eyelash or really think about being anxious or uncomfortable. I don't, however, like inviting people over to my place (It's sacred Goddess-Land) and I don't like going over to other people's houses (It feels harder to flee). Which pretty much means I will talk to you at work and hang out with you on my breaks and lunches if I like you but that's all you're gonna get unless you are special. I've learned my boundaries and I've done a good job enforcing them.

So when my friend invited me over to play, I said yes, and I spent the first six hours of my vacation at his house, with seven other people, a few that I had never met before, and most of them smoked (I really can't stand cigarette smoke), plus I had to you know... talk. (That's kinda the point of D&D, in case you didn't know.) I really had a good time, don't get me wrong, but in the end it wasn't for me. Halfway through I just wanted to go home (I'd have clicked my heels if they had been red) but I don't drive so I had no way to get home without ruining the game for someone else, and I was having fun, it just unsettled me. I wanted to burrow back into my nice happy hidey hole. It was out of my comfort zone (it's good to venture out every now and then, really it is) and it left me feeling drained, ungrounded, and guilty that I had had fun but felt no desire to do it again next week. Which leads me to my next point which is going to sound so contradictory.

My second problem: Well hullo there Loneliness

I tell my Tribe all of the time that there is a difference between being alone and being lonely and you can have one but not the other. Most of the time I am alone (and I like it that way) but lately, I've been feeling the loneliness (The sadness and discontent of being alone). I'm a single lady and most of the time it doesn't bother me all that much. I live a pretty fulfilling life (by my own definition) but sometimes a girl wants some companionship and some romance. I've been in that mood. I'm sure anyone who has ever been single knows that mood. The one where you find yourself yearning for something that you don't have, daydreaming and fantasizing (all while singing "All By Myself" Bridget Jones' style in your head). That mood. Now you might suggest that I remedy that situation in the obvious manner, by finding someone, but I don't and I won't because I sincerely feel like that is not the right path for me (at least right now) no matter how lonely I feel. So it's just one of those things that I have to wade through or wait till it passes.

Since I'm on the topic anyway, my number one reason for not wanting a relationship is fear. Every single relationship I've had, or tried to have, has involved me turning into a person that I don't really like. I get very clingy, and I tend to put everything that I have and everything that I am into the other person. I don't just lose myself, I give myself completely away so that there is very little of Dominee left. I'm not 100% sure I've grown out of that behavior and have no urge to make someone my guinea pig so that I can find out. I need to have my own life and my own space and I feel like to do that, I have to be single for the time being. (Yay for self-awareness)

My third problem: Goodbye control of emotions. 

Now I am pretty good at controlling my emotions and redirecting them before they get crazy out of control. I used to have pretty big anger issues, I'd even call them rage issues. When someone made me angry I had the tendency to scream and cry and throw around insults like there was no tomorrow. I have a three inch scar on my leg from having a hissy fit that involved kicking and throwing things in my living room. I cracked my bathroom wall once. I broke dishes on purpose. That's really just the tip of the iceberg, I used to get Hulk-Angry. When I got sad I would lay on the floor and cry for hours on end until I couldn't breathe, until I broke out in hives, until my eyelids were so swollen I looked like I had been punched. I was a bit (a lot) of a Drama Queen. Honestly it wasn't really that, I had just never learned how to feel, in the intensity that I was feeling. That's really something they should teach in school, some people aren't born with the know-how. It took a lot of work to learn how to cope but cope I have (for the most part).

The other day someone did something to me that I found rude and petty, and my first reaction was to tell them what a bitch they were being. Now, I've talked about how I used to be pretty verbally and emotionally abusive in the past so when my first, automatic, reaction was name calling, I felt a lot of different things. Fear, disgust, shame, fear, and more fear. I don't want to lose control and I don't want to have my impulses take control over what I know is okay and not okay. I know better than that, so I do better than that. That moment made my tummy hurt.

All in all, this has just not been my week. 

I'm questioning my business path a bit. My heater crapped out and maintenance hasn't come to fix it yet. I'm resistant to allowing myself to have a good cry for fear that's exactly when they will show up. I've spent the last 24 hours with cold fingers and toes. The first two romance novels I tried to read weren't very good so I gave up on them. My friend has blown me off for fun vacation stuffs twice this week. I feel lame because no one ever texts me. I have a rash on my chest which I think is stress induced. I have tons of business things to do, no motivation to get it done, and then I feel so guilty for not being my usually peppy business self. And each time I start feeling this way I'm afraid it's going to last forever and ever and ever.

It's really not a good feeling.

But I've got to keep going.

I still have vacation left. I can still try to make the most of it. I can pick myself up, dust myself off, and keep moving in the right direction.

But really I just want to hide in my shell until it feels safe to come out again. But that's old-Dominee speaking, because there's always a reason to retreat, there's always a reason to hide, there's always one itty bitty thing that's not going right, and if I retreat at every opportunity then I'll never get anywhere. My advice to myself: Go slowly, think slowly, be slowly, but don't retreat.

This morning has been the most pleasant one so far and nothing has changed except my willingness to deal with it. To sit down and write this. To think the unpleasant things. To face them head on with a na-na, na-na, boo-boo and my tongue sticking out.

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The Wisdom of the Crow

When we think of Autumn, and more importantly, Halloween (or Samhain as it's known in my pagan circles) there are several animals that come to mind and most of them have a bit of an ominous feel about them. Bats, spiders, and black cats. Animals that make us think of darkness and the descent into the Underworld.

That's what Autumn is all about.

One of the animals that is deeply associated with Autumn is the Crow, and he has wisdom and magic to teach us. Crow is black bird that represents magic and the Underworld. Crows are also associated with Raven, as Raven is a type of Crow. All Ravens are Crows but not all Crows are Ravens! Crow is a very intelligent and also very trainable bird. Those that have them as pets have been able to train them to communicate in certain ways, as well as use simple tools. Crow is also a bird that is good at survivability. He is a scavenger and will steal food from other birds and people as well. Crows always have a sentinel posted so they can have warning when danger is near. They are very wary and are good at recognizing danger.


Crows make their nests high up for protection and they keep their nest very clean. Even the young crows keep the nest clean. This is an important lesson for those with crow as spirit guide. You should take a look at your home and see if you are respecting your space. Crows are also a representation of magic. They are symbols of creation, protection from negativity, and spiritual strength. 

They remind us to embrace the magic and secrets of life.

When Crow happens upon your path you need to be willing to walk your talk and speak your truth. You must put aside your fear of embracing your true self, your authentic voice, your raspy "caw" and speak whatever truth comes to you. Crow also represents: Change, honesty at all costs, destiny, flexibility, adaptability, interpretation of messages, magical force, keen insight, the ability to wear many faces, bravery, self-understanding, and the ability to see the past, present and the future as one coherent image.

Acknowledge your true voice and your true message. 

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Double, Double, Toil and Trouble!

Happy almost-Halloween!

Halloween is one of my favorite holidays! I love the mysticism around it, the scary movies, the smell of Autumn in the air, the pumpkins, the anticipation of Christmas, it gets me all excited!

(Just so you know, Hocus Pocus is my favorite Halloween movie, it is the complete awesome, so check it out if you haven't already!)

Because I am so thrilled (did I mention I am also on vacation from the pays-the-bills-job starting in two days! *excited squee*) I have a special gift for you!

For the rest of the month you can get a One-Card Oracle Card Reading for $5!

Just add the discount code HALLOWEEN into the discount code box when you are checking out and you get an automatic $8 off. I really love doing Oracle Card Readings and I have a ton of decks to choose from! (If you want to embrace the witchy vibe of Halloween, I recommend the Oracle of Shadows and Light!)

There's more! I'm also giving you my Autumn e-book for $10! 

The discount code for that is the word PUMPKIN. Hopefully you are just as excited about this as I am. My Autumn e-book was a true labor of love and I hope that you enjoy it! I love sharing my stuff and giving you something inspirational and nourishing.

You guys are awesome and I hope that you have an amazing Halloween!

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A Picture Is Worth A Thousand Words of Self Love

One of the first Self Love Assignments I give people aside from writing a Self Love Letter is to take lots of pictures of you. It's so simple to do, yet so hard to put into practice.

“The camera is an instrument that teaches people how to see without a camera.” ― Dorothea Lange

From the age of 15-20 you'd be very hard pressed to find any pictures of me, and if you did, they'd be the kind that were taken without my permission, usually with a hand flung out to block it or an awkward look of slow-motion horror blossoming over my face. 

Pictures seemed like proof, hard, factual evidence, that I was unattractive, and who wants visible proof of that? I was letting my poor self-esteem and my bad self-image stop me from making memories, it stopped me from noticing the beauty in my face, and the beauty inside of myself. 

Lately I've been taking more pictures, (thank you smart phone + instagram) and allowing myself to fully believe that no picture is a bad picture because each picture that I take shows me, and that in itself makes it beautiful, because I am beautiful. When you look at it that way, it gets better, it gets easier. I promise.

I still struggle with finding a picture that I want to share with ya know, the world. But to be honest, the best pictures are the ones that I only want to share with myself. I was feeling especially unattractive one day and I decided to take one of those nekkid body, full-length mirror shots, the kind that make women shudder in horror... and it turned out great. It turned out better than great. I noticed all of the curves, and the soft roundness, and the beauty of my skin, and the way my body looks so natural and womanly. Like a freakin' Goddess.

In that moment I created my own definition of what beauty was to me. 

So go out there and take your picture, and let other people take pictures of you too, become part of their tapestry of memories! Let them be able to look back through their pictures and see you there! Take pictures and keep them just for yourself. Look at pictures of yourself, even ones that you hate, and find something good to say about it. Even if it's not traditionally beautiful, even if it's only something you would notice (I adore the itty bitty freckle in the middle of my forehead), even if it's something that only fits your definition of beauty.

'Cause you are totally beautiful.

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Live Your Amends

I love finding bits of real knowledge and wisdom from unexpected places. Tv shows, movies, and books are something that we integrate into our lives but we rarely see it as anything but entertainment. I really love when I'm watching something and I just get hit by that "Yes! Yes! Yes! Wisdom-alert!" feeling and it has a real, deep, effect on me. Also, I'm a huge tv junkie, so I can now justify it by writing awesome wisdom-inspired posts about it!

Private Practice, which is a spin-off of the tv show Grey's Anatomy, is about a group of doctors (and friends) that work together. In the episode called "Good Grief" there's a very deep conversation between Violet, who is a psychiatrist and Charlotte, who is the Chief of Staff at a hospital. Violet has a patient that did something terrible a decade earlier and is having trouble living with it. This is what Charlotte, a recovering alcoholic, tells her:

Charlotte: "In AA, making amends is essential. Sometimes the other party is gone or they refuse to forgive us, so we practice living amends."

Violet: "What is that? How do you do that?"

Charlotte: "Well you live the best life you can, do good where you can, help people when you can, be of service.

You can't change what you've done, but you can change who you are and improve your life.

It's hard to explain why living amends work. They do, somehow they just set you free."

When I heard this part, it spoke to me so deeply, and I realized that's what I've been doing, in my own fumbling way. My life is about being of service and doing good work. I really, honestly, with my whole heart want to make a difference in someone's life, in YOUR life. I want to change the world one person at a time. Ten years ago I would not have cared. Five years ago I would not have cared.

I was not a good person.

I've talked about how, in the past, I was selfish, and abusive, and boundary-pushing, and everything everyday was about me, me, me and if you did not make me happy, then Heaven help you because you were going to feel my wrath, usually in slicing and cutting words. I would tell people that I loved that I hated them. I would tell them to get the 'eff out of my life if they didn't do something I wanted when I wanted it. I would lie to get attention, I would throw a fit to get attention. I would push people away, on purpose, just to make sure they'd come back, because I felt some sort of validation from doing that. When you are absolutely awful to someone and then they still want to talk to you, well then you just must be that awesome. It's a horrible way to seek validation, but it's something that I would do.

I was not a good person.

Sometimes I wonder about fate and destiny and all of that. If this path was chosen for me or if I chose it for myself. Either way, I know that I am meant to be doing whatever it is that I am doing. Maybe it was the work I was born to do, or maybe it was the work I chose to do for the simple need to live with myself and my choices.

It is a life of amends.

And I'm totally okay with that. Despite what lead me to this path, or why I'm on it, I'm here, and for the first time in my entire life I've been happy. I've been really truly happy, for days, for weeks, for months, it's been over a year. I remember my last uber severe period of depression (It's been almost two years now) and I can't imagine that it will ever feel that bad for me. Maybe it's just wishful thinking, or maybe it's truth. All I know is that I am better, my life is better. I am happy.

I am living the best life I can.

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Treasure your sweet memories...

This week's Oracle Card Reading comes to you from the Oracle of Shadows and Light by Lucy Cavendish and Jasmine Becket-Griffith and it had a special meaning for me.

Autumn is all about letting go, embracing grief, and remembering loved ones. I actually do not have a lot of experience with grief (for which I am very thankful). The only loss I have is my Grandma who died when I was eleven.

I think the hardest part of that loss was what it represented. She represented the maternal line, the link to my extended family, she was the glue. I remember lots of little things about her, her love of flowers and gardening, how I always connect her to monarch butterflies, this card seems perfect.

The Dried Flower Fairy - Sweet Memories.

This fairy is all about collecting sweet memories, treasuring them, keeping them from fading. She wants you to be reminded of happy times. No matter how far away the memories, they are always able to travel to you. Wrap yourself up in their sweetness, especially during the hard times, when you forget all of the good that has happened. When those sweet moments seem farthest away, that is when you most need them.

Expect reminders of loved ones and past happiness.

Allow yourself to reminisce about sweet moments, think about your firsts, or your childhood, or anything that brings a smile to your face. Don't forget to create those little memories as well, go for a walk in the sunlight, watch the stars, eat a really delicious meal, take lots of photographs, kiss someone deeply, go cloud watching.

Discover a perfect moment that you can remember and cherish always. 

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What I wish to express to you.

Wishcasting Wednesday! Happy wishcasting to you! What wishes are you making today? Jamie Ridler asks us:

What do you wish to express?

This one is easy! I know that a lot of the time I come off as this love-y dove-y person, and I definitely am, but there's a second layer to that.

When it comes to love I have very limited experience in my personal life. It's always been hard for me to say to the people that I love that I truly love them. It's this pesky fear of abandonment I tell you. Anyway I've always had trouble expressing love in exactly the way that I want to, with the words that are in my heart.

I wish to express love to you.

I feel like I don't say enough how much I appreciate my readers. You all have given me a platform to say what I need to say. I could be an itsy bitsy blogger who speaks out to the World Wide Web with nary a soul in sight to listen, but instead I have you, and you give my voice wings, you give my message a purpose.

I love you.

I love who knowing you has allowed me to become. It has allowed me to step into my higher self and to embrace who and what I find there.

Thank you for being you!

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60 ways to practice self love right NOW!

Don't try to change so that someone else will love you. Change so that you can be more in love with yourself.

Discover something new about yourself. Try a new food, place, or type of music, see if you like it!

Pick one day this week to have a morning/afternoon/evening devoted completely to yourself.

Stop being so hard on yourself, grow from the experience and move on.

Take a leap of faith. Do that thing that you've been afraid to do. Believe that you will succeed.

When you feel uncomfortable about something or someone, acknowledge it, don't push it aside. Create boundaries.

Don't spend so much time trying to work on and improve your weaknesses, that you forget to honor and appreciate your strengths.

Don't bury your emotions, if you want to cry, cry, if you want to be angry, then be angry. Honor your emotions enough to feel them.

Tune out the people who like to tell you what you are and who you are. Discover those things for yourself.

Make a list of 5 things you love doing, and do them frequently. Integrate them into your daily and weekly life.

Look at the simple joys in your life, the things that you take for granted. Appreciate them with your whole heart.

Stop comparing yourself to others. You are beautiful and perfect just as you are.

Stay away from the people who add nothing but drama to your life. Send them on their way, you'll be happier for it.

Acknowledge your effort. See that you have done your best, even if you have failed to produce tangible results.

Nurture your dreams, even if they don't seem possible right now, it doesn't mean they won't ever happen. Reach for them.

Have a cup of tea in bed, relax, and read a good book.

Give yourself Sanctuary Time. Relax, meditate, or use oracle/tarot cards.

Make plans to watch the sunrise/set and let yourself bathe in the energy.

Pick a day this week to go to bed early or to sleep until you wake up naturally.

Before you go to sleep, make time to relax, unwind, and de-stress.

Write yourself a love letter. Have a love affair with yourself. Make loving you a priority. You deserve it.

Take a nice, hot, relaxing bath when you get stressed. It's a great way to unwind.

You know that thing that happened that you occasionally still beat yourself up over? Let it go. Forgive yourself.

Take twenty minutes out of your day today to meditate. You can sit in silence, listen to a guided meditation, calming music, or whatever makes you feel zen.

See your mistakes as valuable lessons. Those mistakes deepen your wisdom.

Make today the day you push your own boundaries. Do something new-to-you, it can be something small like eating some place new, or something big like making fabulous travel plans.

Look in the mirror. Admire your face, your body, every inch of yourself. Love and accept all of you.

Wear something today that makes you feel confident and sexy. Develop your own sense of style.

Re-evaluate your spirituality. Are you happy with where you are and what you believe? Do something today to spiritually nourish yourself.

Go outside and get some sun. Watching the beauty of nature can be so healing and soothing.

Get a piece of paper, write down what 'beauty', 'success', and 'love' mean to you. Don't ever let someone else change those definitions.

Choose today to stop apologizing for who you are. Be strange, wild, colorful, shy, quiet... whatever makes you happy!

Smile... even if you don't like your smile/teeth/mouth whatever, smile anyway! Be proud to let your joy shine out.

If there's something about your body that you don't like, find something good to say about it right now!

Do something today to make your living space a little bit more sacred to you. Clean, redecorate, smudge, or create a special spot where you can sneak away to relax.

Pull out your calendar and pick a day in the next week to do something special just for you.

Go outside, stand on the earth, let your worries sink out of you into the ground.

Realize that it's okay to ask for help when you need it. You don't have to be or do it all. Asking for help doesn't make you weak.

Take a few minutes today to sit in silence. Let the world rush on around you while you savor the moment and just be.

Pick one fear that you have, just an itty bitty one, and work on being unafraid.

Pay attention to how you treat your friends. Look at how you treat yourself. Make sure you're being kind to yourself as well.

When you are angry or upset (with yourself or others) try responding lovingly and see how it changes the situation.

Stop focusing on the things that you aren't and celebrate all of the AMAZING things you are.

Make boundaries, trying to please everyone will not make you feel nourished or happy. You're allowed to say no!

Do some space clearing today, get rid of things you no longer physically, emotionally, or mentally, need.

Create a nourishing morning routine. Stretch, do yoga, journal, whatever makes you feel good.

Pick a day this week to cut your internet time in half. Unplug and read a book or work on an unfinished project.

Right now go find some new music to listen to. Be amazed by all of the great talent in the world.

Go shopping for something special for yourself. It's okay to spoil yourself every once and awhile.

Don't judge your beauty by the number on the scale. I guarantee you that you can be sexy and beautiful at any size.

Realize that you have control over your thoughts. If there's a thought you aren't liking right now, change it.

Watch what you say to, and about, other people. Create a loving atmosphere around yourself.

Give yourself permission to do nothing. The world won't end if you aren't busy busy busy.

Surround yourself with people who lift you up. You don't deserve to be pulled down by other's negativity.

Take a deep breath, feel it all the way in the pit of your stomach. Breathe deeply until you feel light and relaxed

Make sure that you only say sorry when you've actually done something wrong. Don't constantly apologize for things that aren't your fault.

Be okay accepting compliments from other people. You deserve them!

Don't be afraid to celebrate your achievements, even the little ones, like getting out of bed on a really bad day.

Remind yourself that everything about you is sacred. You are a part of the Universe, the stars, the moon, the sun, don't treat yourself as anything less.

Allow yourself to be in the present. Don't worry about the future, don't agonize about the past. Be in the here and now.

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If This Is Redemption... Why Do I Bother At All?

One of the things that keeps popping up in my life, and in the lives of this wonderful sisterhood I've got going on, is how to deal with positive changes that aren't reaping the results that you want.

As much as I'd like to tell you that if you are positive and happy, things will go your way, it's not that black and white. When you make the commitment to change, to try to be a different person, there's always this huge upheaval, this descent into chaos before things straighten out and begin to fall into place.

A lot of the time it gets worse before it gets better.

When I first started this journey I wanted radical transformation like that *snaps fingers*. I wanted a cause and effect reaction. I wanted for A + B = C and it just doesn't, not when we're talking big life changes. It's a process, a very long, and a very trying process.

I made the decision to work on my anger. I made the decision to try to communicate with my loved ones effectively. I made the decision to work on my issues instead of letting them control me. For each and every one of those decisions, I suffered. There are always consequences.

I lost my best friend and one of my biggest confidants. I had another friend who decided that what I was doing was absolutely hilarious and she made fun of me behind my back at every opportunity. I haven't talked to my sister since Christmas of last year because she was always treading on my boundaries. I was taken advantage of because I thought that I had to be a "nice" person and give people money even when it came back to bite me in the ass. I felt like no one understood what I was doing and I was just coming off as this big uber confused, grasping-at-straws, quarter-life-crisis, joke who had no idea what she was doing.

The thing of it is, all of it was worth it.

I've spent days being heartbroken, in tears, feeling lost, feeling sad, feeling alone, wondering why I even bothered. I looked at my life and I felt like while it wasn't happy or perfect as "old me" I had friends and family, I was oblivious to a lot of things, everything was easier to handle because I just didn't know better. I didn't believe I had options, I didn't believe that I could change or that I was meant to change or that I could ask anyone to treat me any better than they did. Ignorance was bliss. However, there was something missing. Something so important, something that once you grab hold of it with both hands you realize there is no other way.

My sense of self. Paid for in heartache and dark moments, in brokenness and pain, and so unbelievably worth it. 

What I have learned about myself has been priceless. I wouldn't give up this love and respect for myself for anything. For the first time in my life, I truly know myself. I have opinions and passions, I have boundaries, I have dreams and goals. I make magic, and at the end of the day, all of the birthing pains were worth it. There's this song that I love to listen to when I am having those moments of doubt. It just resonates deeply with me, as music always does.

If this is redemption, why do I bother at all 
There's nothing to mention, and nothing has changed 
Still I'd rather be working at something, than praying for the rain 

That's what it boils down to, even when things aren't going my way and it feels like nothing is better, I'd rather keep trying than to give up, because even in those moments, I know that I am working for something beautiful, something that pays off in little moments, and that will ultimately pay off in the end.

So what has put me in this contemplative mood you ask? 

My former best friend, the first casualty of "new me" celebrated her big 30th birthday and I felt myself feeling like I was missing out. We text a few times a month, about the tv show Dexter, about funny pictures or baby animal cuteness, about things that mean nothing. It's never going to be the same, it's never going to be like it was. She's never going to see me for me, and honestly when you get right down to it, she's never going to like me for me, not this me.

It's so difficult to accept that. It's so difficult to have unconditional love for someone and then realize that you don't measure up to them and you never will. That she still gravitates to the same kind of people, the kind that I used to be. The more I fix myself, the farther I get from anything that she would ever like about me. How's that for messed up? It's discouraging, saddening, and maddeningly frustrating.

The thing about it all, is that I realize that it's for the best. Am I better off without this friendship as it used to be? Yes I am, but that doesn't stop me from wishing that I didn't have to let go of things that mattered to make space for the good things, the happy things.

Growth means letting go.

When things feel all sucky, and you are trying your hardest to trudge through it with a smile on your face... keep trying. Don't give up. Don't let the fear that it will never get better keep you prisoner. You won't get anywhere unless you try, just keep moving in the right direction, one step at a time, and you'll get somewhere better.

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Letting Go With Demeter

Today's Oracle Card comes from the deck Ancient Feminine Wisdom of Goddesses and Heroines by Kay Steventon and Brian Clark, falls in line with the theme of Autumn, and that is letting go. Autumn has always been one of my favorite seasons, I love the wisdom found within letting go of our leaves and our difficulties. Surrendering to the ebb and flow of life. (You should check out my Autumn e-book)

Demeter stands amidst her fields of grain watching over the harvest, watching the earth vibrantly bloom, the crops flourish, she allows the earth to come alive. She is the Earth Mother, ruling over the cycles of death and rebirth, everything is born, everything grows, and everything dies.

Demeter is most known for the myth involving her daughter Persephone as she is stolen away to the Underworld by the God Hades. It is a story of   closeness, separation, grief, and reunion and it echoes the timeless theme of attachment and loss.

When this card comes up it is a sign that it is time to let go of an attachment. 

It is time for a more mature phase in your life or relationship. It is time to let go and release the things that are holding you back. It is only when you release this stuff, that you make more space for things to grow, for yourself to blossom, for your life to flourish. When you mourn those things you complete the process, life can go on and be renewed.

What is it that you need to let go of so that you can make more space for things to grow?

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Connecting with the Crone

On Friday I talked about mothers (more how I didn't want to be one) and today we're delving into the Wisdom of the Crone. Autumn represents the dark time of the year. Darkness, death, decay. The releasing of the old. The time of the Crone, the wisewoman, the Dark Mother.

The Crone is the most feared of the aspects of the Goddess: Maiden, Mother, and Crone. The Maiden represents youth and innocence, the Mother represents coming into your own power, and the Crone, well she represents the wisdom you've learned on the way.

She's a pretty badass chick.

The Crone often intimidates me, not as much now, as I begin to embrace my own wisdom, but in the past, I shied away from her. I felt like she would judge me for my foolish choices, the ones that I made even when I knew better. How could I connect with Wisdom Personified when I shunned my own wisdom and intuition? Now that I've allowed myself to see that I am wise, now that I've embraced that power, I find myself forming a tentative bond with the Crone.

I did a Goddess Meditation the other day, featuring Crone Goddess. I always see her as the Greek Goddess Hecate, I do love the Greek Pantheon. In the meditation you go down a stone staircase that ends in a great wooden door. You find the key, open the door, and you see her on the other side of the room, cloaked in black. I found myself being intimidated by her, but also knowing that I was in a place of safety, a place where I could seek her wisdom as well as my own. She reminds me of the things that I already know.

She lights a lantern, allowing us to see the truth and our wisdom, clearly. 

The Crone aspect of the Goddess helps us to end cycles, relationships, problems, habits, ect. She closes a cycle, creates the ending, allowing the Maiden to begin another.

Autumn and Winter are the Crone's time of power. This is the time to meditate on the crone, doing candle magic and other rituals that involve ending things in your life. Coming to terms with aging. Resting before starting new projects or filling your well after you've ended a project (I am so there right now, rest and relaxation for the win!). Dealing with the death of someone that you love. Understanding something about yourself or someone else.

The more that you familiarize yourself with the Crone, the easier it is to see her wisdom, to connect with her in a way that doesn't scare the pants off of you, and to realize that death is just part of the Circle of Life. *cue Lion King music*

Do you find it easy to connect with Crone Energy? Are you able to easily let go of things and embrace your own wisdom? Do you fear growing old?

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My Current Self Care Routine

Well hey there lovely! What's up with you? I hope things are going beautifully for you! I'm still recovering from the vortex of suck and practicing lots of self care lately. It's not a period of depression (for which I am so very thankful for) but I would classify it as a bit of a funk. Those are normal! I can not stress that enough! I used to believe that I had to be happy all of the time or I was failing in some way. It's not true! We all have periods of blah-ness, suckiness, sadness, listlessness, non-motivation-ness, and it's all right! You know how to get through it? Ride it out. Most times, all you need to do is take a little time for yourself to re-calibrate. Ya know when some electronic device isn't working? What's one of the first things you do? You turn it off for a few minutes and then turn it back on with your fingers crossed.

Do that! Give yourself "time off", give yourself time to power down, to rest, before you turn yourself back on and jump full force into life. 

I thought I would share some of the things that I've been doing lately to keep myself happy and to be gentle and loving with myself. Making the conscious decision to take care of yourself in a loving way, is one of the very best things that you can do for yourself.

Romance Novels

Now, growing up, if you would've told me I'd be interested in Romance Novels I promptly would've beat you with my Dragonlance books and then chucked the Redwall series at your head with a wild war cry for good measure. What can I say? My tastes have changed. There are very few things I love more than a good historical romance novel (Regency era, early 1800s England please!). I love books, I  probably own close to 300 and they have always been my escape and my hide-a-way from the real world. Romance novels are especially thrilling for me right now. It satisfies my need for romance (I'm a simple kind of girl it seems) and leaves me giddy and starry-eyed. Lately I've been staying up all hours of the day (which is my sleeping time) just to finish a book and then waking up a few hours later to go to my 3rd shift job. While the lack of sleep is definitely not ideal self-care, the sheer joy and happiness of staying up like I did back in the ol' days with a good book, is.

Quiet Time

You may or may not know that I am a pretty anti-social person. Oh I've been flourishing like a butterfly lately, but I'm not social by nature. I find it difficult to really connect and keep up with friendships. I'm working on it, and I think I'm making some progress, but people really unnerve me. Sometimes I feel like a feral cat who's been mostly domesticated, but I still feel the urge to start randomly hissing at people. The last two weeks I've pulled away from being social, I haven't chatted much, I haven't really felt the need to seek out conversation or be overly talkative. (But please know that I adore all of you who leave me comments and e-mails and I'm sorry if you've felt neglected!) Quiet time really helps me sink back into my me-ness and feel more whole.

Date night... er... day...

Last Tuesday, on my day off, I did something that I rarely do. I went out. Yes, get your shocked gasps out now. I am a homebody, I pretty much bounce from work to home without much variation aside from hanging out with the bestie a few times a month. Tuesday I went to the bookstore by myself, bought myself an extremely delicious caramel frappe, and spent a few hours browsing books and enjoying being out by myself. I had a really good time and it was a nice reminder to step away from work and the computer and actually go out and do things that I enjoy. I think this may turn into a weekly date with myself.

Happy Senses

Another thing that I've been doing is making the most out of the cooler weather, which I absolutely adore! I love the smell of Autumn on the air, it never ceases to fill me with happiness. I think the thing that I love most about the cold... is being warm! When it's cold outside and you get to snuggle up with a warm blanket and fuzzy socks, well that's what Heaven has to look like. Along with spending lots of time with warm blankets, reading romance novels, and eating chocolate covered coffee beans (YUM), I've been using my homemade corn cozie to warm my feet or any achy muscles I have from work and it's so wonderfully relaxing. Cold weather + book + chocolate + warm toesies, are you understanding my recent levels of happiness? It's been epic.

Anyway, I just wanted to pop in and show you self care IN ACTION and tell you that it works, even little things, they make a difference. Taking time to allow yourself to hang out with a good book, makes a difference. Making sure your toes are warm on a cold day, that counts. Whatever things that you do for you, to make yourself feel good, makes a difference.

What self-care are you going to do today? What's your favorite way to care for yourself when you're in a funk? Share your tips!

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No babies for me.

I usually reserve Fridays for brain spewage, the personal things, the things that go through my mind and that I want to talk about and to share with you. One of the things that I get asked alot is:

When are you going to have some babies?

The older I get, the more frequently I hear the question and the more frequently I get asked by strangers if I have kids. That question is like an instant ice-breaker when you're meeting someone new. It's something to bond over, something to talk about, and if you don't have kids, people want to know why not. The closer I get to turning thirty, the more this question pops up, and the more resolve I have about my decision.

I am never going to have kids.

I've been met with a lot of different reactions to that answer. Some people tell me that I will change my mind, others try to convince me I'd be good at it, some tell me that I'm going against what I was put onto this earth to do, and others think I'm selfish, my mother gets that look of disappointment. There's such a variety of different reactions and I am always interested by them.

I always wanted babies. Growing up I had tons of dolls, I always wanted to play house, play mommy. I picked out names, I had daydreams, and my future seemed like it would follow the path of all of the women before me. I hit puberty and something twisted grabbed a hold of me. I fell into depression and that lasted for a decade. I still wanted babies, but it wasn't a childish dream anymore. It was a way to finally be useful and to have someone that would finally love me, forever. I took a parenting class in high school, the kind where you get to take one of those fake babies home for the weekend, it cries and you have to feed it, change it, hold it and burp it, I loved it. I felt like trying to become a good mother was some sort of purpose. I didn't feel like I could ever be good at anything else.

Babies = a way to be loved.

My sister became a teen mom right as I was graduating high school and I saw the attention that she got from the family. Oh, they were unhappy at first, but as things progressed my sister grew closer to my mom, she got to go shopping for baby clothes, she got my bedroom because it was bigger. She was initiated into womanhood, while I still felt like a child. She was living the dream of everything that I had wanted for myself.

Babies = a way to be loved and get attention. 

I went out into the world as an adult. I got a job in retail, and I lived, still depressed, still feeling worthless, as I had for almost a decade at that point. I fell in love for the first time with someone that was married. He manipulated me, he lied to me, but I fell in love anyway. I planned my future around him. He told me that he wanted a future with me too. I asked him to leave his wife and start a life with me, but he had a child, he couldn't do that. I had to wait and be patient.

Babies = a way to get love, get attention, and get someone not to leave you.

Eventually I left that relationship, and I started my journey, this journey, and things changed. I didn't have to be a mother to be loved. I could love myself, I could begin to manage my depression, I could let go of the things that I didn't like about myself. I could embrace and nourish the things that I loved about myself, even if they were teeny tiny to begin with.

I could do good things and get the attention that I had always wanted. I could create a purpose for myself that was outside of my reproductive system. I could discover that I was good at things, that I had hobbies and interests and passions, and ways to feel fulfilled and happy.

Deciding not to have children is the most selfish and selfless thing that I could ever do.

It is selfish because I will not have a baby because it takes too much time. It takes too much effort. It requires too much loss of sleep, and in the end it would require too much loss of self. I've spent twenty-four of my twenty-seven years on this earth not knowing who I was or what I really wanted. Twenty-four years of not being myself or doing the things that I wanted to do.

It is selfless because I would never want to resent another human being for taking away my freedom. It is selfless because it is something that I do not truly want. It is selfless because I do not believe that I am capable of giving another soul a life that they would truly deserve. Why? Because I am too selfish. I would not be a good mother, and I know this, and I am okay with it. I wouldn't be a good at being a fisherman, or a good carpenter, or a good ballet dancer either, and that's alright!

People tell me all of the time that I would be such a good mother. That I am patient, and loving, and good with children. That's like someone telling me that I should go start planting a rainforest because I can keep a house-plant alive. I have the disposition that I have because I can sleep whenever I want for as long as I want, because I never worry about money because I only have to provide for myself, because if I want to spend the entire weekend playing video games and reading romance novels, I can do that too. I do what I want and when I want.

That's the happiest kind of life I can imagine, and I get to live it.

I won't ever be a mother, but I love and appreciate those that are. I love hearing their wisdom, reading their birth stories, knowing how brave and wonderful they are. Mothers have helped me to become who I am, and I am so grateful for their loving spirits.

When I am 80 years old and looking back on my life, I can't say that I won't wonder how things could've been, or that I will be saddened by the thought that I never got to hold my own child in my arms, or carry on my legacy, but I know that I won't regret the life I lived instead.

I think that's really all that matters.

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Listen...

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The more you share the more the sun'll shine!

I've been doing a lot of thinking about business lately and how I feel about it, why I do it, and how to do it in a way that feels right to me. I've noticed a huge push, in my online circles about money, a huge focus on being a success, on making profit, and not letting anything get in the way of you making that money. Hoorah! It's all good stuff, and I am learning and changing my views on money and business all of the time.

The thing about that is, I didn't start this to make money, I started it to help people. Somewhere along the way, my ego got in the way and I started to believe that unless I was making a lot of money then I wasn't doing it 'right'. 

I almost felt greedy. 

There's something wonderful to be said for making tons of money, and getting all of the physical things that you want, but there's also something to be said for doing the work because you were meant to do it, not because you were meant to be wealthy. If someone told me right now, I could no longer make any money from what I do, I realized I would still do it.

I've hemmed and hawed about setting up an affiliate program because my ego got in the way. This was my money, my abundance, why should someone benefit from my stuff? It was mine, mine, mine. And then I bonked myself on the head. "Why should someone benefit from stuff?" What the Hell, Dominee? That's the entire POINT isn't it? To make a difference and to change lives. So I realized that what was keeping me from making an affiliate program was simply greed and ego, and that's not a good reason to do anything, at least not in my world.

If you want to share my affiliate link with someone you know, with your tribe, and they buy something, then I'm helping them and I'm helping you by giving you monies. It's double the awesome because I am giving and helping more, and I love the idea of it.

I like to find wisdom in pretty much everything and I'd like to direct you to the 1989 film All Dogs Go To Heaven. Yes! I'm serious! There's a part in the movie where the main character, Charlie (who is a talking dog) brings a pizza to this group of orphaned puppies, and they all go nuts, each of them scrambling for a piece of the pizza. And then they all start singing about the importance of sharing. "You got a little or a lot, You got to share cause you know what, Each other's all that we have got, The sun'll shine if you share all the time." True words peoples. True words.

So I'd like to introduce the Blessing Manifesting Affiliate program!

If someone buys one of my e-books or Inner Journeys through your affiliate link, you'll get 50% of the profits!

When you sign up through e-junkie, you'll be able to choose affiliate links for the Inner Journeys and the e-books as well. If someone uses the Inner Journey link and ends up buying an e-book instead, you'll get 50% of the monies for the e-book because they used your link. Awesome stuff, and I am so happy to share my abundance with you! Your affiliate payments will be sent out in the first week of each month for what you made in the month before.

If you want to find some sample tweets/blurbs/and buttons that you can put on your website and share with your tribe check out the affiliate page, I'm trying to make it simple and easy for you. There's also buttons for you to put on your website or blog if you feel called to!

I'd love to hear what you think and if you have any suggestions!

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Hestia: First and Last

One of my favorite Goddesses is Hestia, she's the true Domestic Goddess, ruling over the hearth and home.

When people come over to my apartment, which is very rare because only the most important people are allowed into the sacred space of Dominee, mainly because it truly is a sacred place to me, and of course you all have an open invitation to tea because you are pretty sacred to me too.

Hestia was considered both the oldest and youngest of Olympians, Oldest because she was the first-born of Rhea and youngest because when Cronus swallowed all of his children in an effort to stop them from overthrowing him, she was the last to be disgorged. This earned her the title Hestia, First and Last.

I've had an affection for Hestia for many years now. I even wrote about her previously in regards to Spring Cleaning. She's just one of my favorites, I can't help myself! Up above is my little Hestia altar in my kitchen, one of her places of power. Fireplaces, kitchens, and places of warmth and homeyness are perfect places to celebrate the power of Hestia.

I wanted to share a wee bit about my altar. The crocheted Hestia doll was found on etsy and is one of my favorite purchases ever. It's so adorable! I was also so happy to find the stove/teapot essential oil warmer. The statue is my pride and joy! I could not find a suitable statue of Hestia so instead I found an unpainted statue of the Virgin Mary and I then painted her in the likness of how I saw Hestia. I think she turned out beautifully and it really imbued her with a sense of what Hestia means to me.

I keep my keys in a silver soap dish as a way of blessing the security of my home. There are few things more precious than a safe and happy space to come home to.

May your own home be blessed.

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