Blessing Manifesting isn't just about my voice and my story, it's about yours as well. I want to encourage you to share your words and your wisdom. If there's one thing I want you to always remember, it's that your story matters.
Today I share with you the words and story of Kim.
How are your boundaries in regards to other people? Do you find that you are more likely to let people in or keep people out? When people push your boundaries how do you react?
My boundaries with friends and acquaintances are sadly lacking sometimes. Part of it was the way I was brought up, but to an extreme. I was brought up to not make waves, especially in public and outside of family. "Always present a pleasant face." While I am all about manners and such, and totally against unnecessary harshness or rudeness, there is a fine line between maintaining civility and allowing yourself to be treated like crap. And all too often I have let people cross that line. Most of the time, I feel like I am stuck between a rock and a hard place and I internalize it. Or complain to my husband about it! But it is draining. It drains the creativity, the trust, and the faith in people right out of you. And it sucks.
I never used to be a big doormat, but I think life in general over the past several years has drained me to the point that sometimes it just doesn't feel as if the effort is worth it. Sometimes the resulting drama is worse than just dealing with the lack of boundaries from others. But I have had a few friendships in the last few years that have definitely made me rethink things.
I had a friend a few years ago that I felt an instant bond with, despite a pretty big age difference. For several months, it was great. We spent tons of time together and we got along wonderfully. But the minute our husbands deployed, it went south, and fast. I was working from home full-time, had 4 kids, and my health suddenly went haywire. And that is where the differences really became obvious. She was self-admittedly used to being the center of attention, young, no kids, no job, no responsibilities outside of her home and the things that go with that. She couldn't relate to the fact that I was doing all that I was doing and that it took time. She couldn't relate to the fact that spontaneity isn't that easy when you have a full-time job and 4 kids. She had a hard time dealing with deployment and separation, being a new military wife, and I can't count the number of times I did drop everything when she needed me. It was a very weird dynamic and one I didn’t get. She always has said, then and now, that I was always there for her, no matter what, whenever she needed me. But I couldn’t always drop everything for things like lunch or a movie or a trip to the mall. Most of the time, when friendships fail, it is because one person isn’t there for the bad times. I was. Always. But she didn’t want to be alone ever, and, even if I wanted to be, I couldn’t be there 24/7.
It quickly became obvious that it had become a very one-sided relationship.
I gave, she took. It was never enough. But when I needed a shoulder, there wasn’t one. That hurt, but I dealt with it for a very long time, trying to be patient with the fact that she was new to military way of life and separation. Until I got a vicious, and hateful, email that changed everything and broke my heart. It hurt me because, for once, I really knew that I was not at fault for the situation. There are very few times in life when a person can know that they are entirely blameless, but this was one of those times. We didn't speak for months, and even when we did, it was never the same. I lost trust, in an irrevocable way that has carried on with other friendships. It didn't help that eventually it went back to the one-sided mess that it once was. It became the kind of friendship where she never spoke to me... until she needed something.
It quickly became obvious that it had become a very one-sided relationship.
I gave, she took. It was never enough. But when I needed a shoulder, there wasn’t one. That hurt, but I dealt with it for a very long time, trying to be patient with the fact that she was new to military way of life and separation. Until I got a vicious, and hateful, email that changed everything and broke my heart. It hurt me because, for once, I really knew that I was not at fault for the situation. There are very few times in life when a person can know that they are entirely blameless, but this was one of those times. We didn't speak for months, and even when we did, it was never the same. I lost trust, in an irrevocable way that has carried on with other friendships. It didn't help that eventually it went back to the one-sided mess that it once was. It became the kind of friendship where she never spoke to me... until she needed something.
I have another "friendship" like that, with a girl I was once so close to that we were practically sisters. I moved away after awhile, and we fell out of the closeness we once had. Several years past, and we both lived different lives. When I came back to the local area 8 years ago, I had hope that we would be back to our old friendship, but it never happened. That's okay; it happens. But it quickly became obvious that what little contact we continue to have is solely based on what is happening in her life and what she needed. I was nothing more than a resource to her. That hurt. And over the course of the years back in the local area, I found out that I had been deeply betrayed by her. It happened a long time ago, and the situation no longer matters, but the principle of the matter does.
A couple years ago, I met a girl and, at first, it seemed like we had a ton in common. But boundaries were not respected and I got stifled FAST. Once again, my every waking moment was supposed to be spent with her. And if I spent time with anyone else, including friends she didn't even know or my family, I was expected to either include her or not go, even things I did with my extended family. Everything I did was supposed to be with her. Everything I did, she had to do. There is nothing that will stifle inspiration and creativity like someone who has to copy your every move. I crave uniqueness and self-expression, and when she became a carbon copy of me, I lost every ounce of the soulful love of creativity I used to treasure. It got to the point that I felt like I had no space of my own to be me, no privacy. And it was absolutely horrific, trying to distance myself a little. Drama, confrontations, and hatefulness beyond that which was reasonable. A nightmare.
All of these things haven’t really helped my motivation to let people in. At all. It seems like, with a few exceptions, I get burned more than anything else in friendships. For a long time, I fled to my "Kim Cave". I couldn't take the drama anymore, the hate, the unnecessary cruelty. I couldn’t stand feeling that I was nothing to anyone. I hated how I felt about myself, as if I had no value beyond what I could do for someone. I backed off from everyone. I was lonely, but too gun-shy to come out because I couldn’t take anymore drama.
Boundaries are needed but they can be so hard to put in place. It has been a rough experience, trying to put them where they need to be. One thing I have learned is that setting the boundaries is something you have to do, and you have to maintain them. No matter what because if you don’t, you will only hurt yourself. I also learned that, sadly, there are always going to be those people who don’t respect them or you for having them. Accusations can follow, demeaning you for setting those boundaries. Very often those same people have zero concept of the fact that they are the very ones that are crossing those boundaries. But you still have the right to love yourself enough to keep the lines in place. I have learned the hard way that sometimes you have to give yourself permission to cut the ties of friendship in order to find your own soul free and light again. That has been a hard lesson to learn, but a valuable one.
Multifaceted Mama (my blog): http://multifacetedmama.com/Journal/
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My main site: http://multifacetedmama.com
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