Sometimes you need to feel sad and hurt. I know this, I believe this. Yet, sometimes those emotions grab you and pull you under until you can't breathe, until you are seconds away from drowning. When it reaches that point you have to loosen your grip a little. You have to start letting the pain go. I have spent the last three days crying and beating myself up and holding on so hard to self-loathing, hurt, and fear.
"You're all alone. Of course no one loves you. You've never been put first and never will be. If you can't earn anyone's love then how broken must you be? If you were smarter, if you had gone to college, if you had babies... then you'd be worth something."
I've taken my wounds and begun stabbing them with sharp objects, making them hurt more. Why do I do this?
Why do we do this?
I've tried to feel better. I've done little things. I made apple pie, I watched Golden Girls in my jammies, I listened to sad music, listened to happy music, journaled, talked about how I was feeling. None of it helped. This morning while I was at work I found myself swimming in the sea of "You are not good enough." Felt it pull me under, almost given up trying to fight it. But, you can't just give up. So I got home and I pulled out my big medicine.
I took my softest blanket and favorite pillow and I laid them on the floor. I sprayed them with lavender. I burned chamomile incense. I lit candles all around this sacred space I created. I took a hot bath, with lavender oil, while I listened to sacred music. I cried, I blessed myself, I let everything out. I prayed. I got out of the bath and sat on my fuzzy blanket, and I braided my hair whilst I thought loving thoughts of myself. I gave myself a massage. I laid down with a piece of amethys over my heart, feeling the heartbeats vibrate against it. I listened to Goddess Meditations. I let all of my emptiness be filled with love.
This was my big medicine.
This was the step I needed to begin healing.
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