Eat Pray Love - Part 1

First off, Eat, Pray, Love: One Woman's Search for Everything Across Italy, India and Indonesia by Elizabeth Gilbert is an amazing book. If you haven't read it I recommend it with my whole heart!

Did I mention I'm only a hundred pages in?

I have changed just by reading those 100 pages, if only just to know that someone else has felt how I've felt. For those of you that haven't read the book (or seen the movie) it is divided into three sections about the three places Elizabeth visits Italy, India, and Indonesia. Each place holds a different meaning to her, each place changes her in a miraculous way.

I don't want to ruin the book for you but there are two excerpts so far that have touched me on a very deep level.

The following excerpt is about her addiction to love and being in love.

When reading it I thought: "Wow. That is totally me."

"I was suffering the easily foreseeable consequences. Addiction is the hallmark of every infatuation-based love story. It all begins when the object of your adoration bestows upon you a heady, hallucinogenic dose of something you never dared to admit you wanted-an emotional speedball, perhaps, of thunderous love and roiling excitement. 

Soon you start craving that intense attention, with a hungry obsession of any junkie. When the drug is witheld, you promptly turn sick, crazy, and depleted (not to mention resentful of the dealer who encouraged this addiction in the first place but now refuses to pony up the good stuff anymore-- despite the fact that you know he has it hidden somewhere, goddamn it, because he used to give it to you for free). Next stage finds you skinny and shaking in a corner, certain only that you would sell your soul or rob your neighbors just to have 'that thing' even one more time. 

Meanwhile, the object of your adoration has now become repulsed by you. He looks at you like you're someone he's never met before, much less someone he once loved with high passion. The irony is, you can hardly blame him. I mean, check yourself out. You're a pathetic mess, unrecognizable even to your own eyes. 

So that's it. You have now reached infatuation's final destination-- the complete and merciless devaluation of self." page 20 - Eat, Pray, Love

I've been there and, oh my goodness, does she have it right.

I've always had problems with that thing called "love". Growing up I never felt like I had enough of it. I was starved for it. I never knew my biological dad, all I really had was my Mom, and as a single, working, mother of three - feeling loved, and feeling like I had her undivided attention, didn't happen for me a lot. So I grew up, I got older, and then I felt love for the first time and I never wanted to let it go. It made me miserable but I couldn't give it up.

In the end I turned into this person I couldn't even look in the mirror. 

Thankfully that was many years ago, I'm still not sure I've gotten over my addiction in general though. Which leads me to the next excerpt about depression...

“I took on my depression like it was the fight of my life, which, of course, it was. I became a student of my own depressed experience, trying to unthread its causes. What was the root of all this despair? Was it psychological? (Mom and Dad’s fault?) Was it just temporal, a “bad time” in my life? (When the divorce ends, will the depression end with it?) Was it genetic? (Melancholy, called by many names, has run through my family for generations, along with its sad bride, Alcoholism.) Was it cultural? (Is this just the fallout of a postfeminist American career girl trying to find balance in an increasingly stressful and alienating urban world?) Was it astrological? (Am I so sad because I’m a thin-skinned Cancer whose major signs are all ruled by an unstable Gemini?) Was it artistic? (Don’t creative people always suffer from depression because we’re so supersensitive and special?) Was it evolutionary? (Do I carry in me the residual panic that comes afre millenia of my species’ attempting to survive in a brutal world?) Was it karmic? (Are all these spasms of grief just the consequences of bad behavior in previous lifetimes, the last obstacles before liberation?) Was it hormonal? Dietary? Philosophical? Seasonal? Environmental? Was I tapping into a uiversal yearning for God? Did I have a chemical imbalance? Or did I just need to get laid?”
page 49 - Eat, Pray, Love

I've been depressed off and on for as long as I can remember. I've been suicidal, I've called suicide hotlines, I've spent days in bed unmotivated to move, had panic attacks, spent so many hours crying that I thought my head would explode. I've attempted to attempt suicide.

I've been there and I've asked myself WHY? Is there something wrong with my brain? Am I being stubborn by not going on meds? Would that be putting a big ol' bandaid on something a bandaid isn't going to fix? 

Honestly, I do not know. I haven't tried medication and I don't believe I will. I'm not anti-anti-depressants though. If it helps you, if it makes you feel better, then I am so happy for you.

Looking at my depression over the last seven years, I am blown away by the progress of my journey. It hasn't been easy, it has taken a lot of different methods, many forms of growth, and lots of hard work. I've tried herbal supplements, diet and exercise, self-help books, meditation, yoga, surrounding myself with happy things, diving so hard into my spirituality/religion that it was all I cared to think about. I think I've finally found out what works for me and all that stuff helped me reach this path. I see my depression as "situational" depression. There's always a situation or an event that begins that spiral downward.

What I have to do is change the situation or change how I react to it. If I can do one of these things then I'm going to be okay. It sounds simple and in many ways it is but it also is not. I know everyone's path to wellness is different and that is simply what is working for me at this point in time.

So all my ramblings aside, buy the book, it's awesome and enlightening and will make you think! That's what a book is for right? Wonderfully trashy romance novels aside of course, ;D

Much love!

Have you read the book? What were your thoughts? Did you enjoy it?

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Forgiveness

"Forgiveness doesn’t mean allowing the painful behaviors or actions of another to continue in your life. Sometimes, forgiveness means letting go. You forgive them and release them. Taking a stand and setting healthy boundaries are often the most loving things you can do—not only for yourself, but for the other person as well." - Louise L. Hay

Forgiveness, oh how I loathe you sometimes. Forgiveness seems to be the theme of my life lately and what a huge theme it has turned out to be. Besides love, I'm hard pressed to think of any other theme that so prominently weaves its way in and out of lives. It is needed as much, if not more, than love. Without forgiveness I don't think love can really exist, and if it exists, then I don't believe it can really grow.

This past week I've allowed myself to work on forgiveness, whether it be towards myself or towards others. 

It has involved tears, it has involved laughter, but most importantly it has involved transformation. Several weeks ago I was walking home, it was cold, windy, and rainy and really a pretty miserable morning. I had been so sure that it was going to be a nice, sunny, late winter morning with a hint of warmth. I was wrong. Being stubborn as I am, I walked home anyway and during that walk, while shivering and getting soaked, came the most astonishing epiphany I've ever had.

I can forgive myself.

Throughout my life I've made some pretty bad choices. Choices that I repeated again and again. Choices that caused me so much pain and mental anguish that I can't honestly tell you why I made those choices. Why for years, I made those choices. I did things that I whole-heartedly regretted with every fiber of my being. I allowed myself to be in relationships that perpetually broke me down and did nothing to build me up. I wasted so much time trying to keep my head above water just so I didn't drown because it was all I could do sometimes just to breathe. 

I was wasting my life, and you know what I discovered? It's okay.

It is okay that I made those mistakes. It's okay that I wasted those moments. It is okay that I went down those dark paths, over and over, even though I knew better. It's okay because I learned from it. I did the best I could do with what I knew at the time. I was the best I could be for myself and for the people who were in my life. I did my best. How can I be angry with myself for that? How can I feel guilt when I only ever did all I was capable of doing in that moment? I can't. I forgave myself for my mistakes and for being a screw up. It was surprisingly easy to do. Maybe it was finally the right time.

Self-forgiveness is one of the greatest things I've ever felt. 

I wish I had learned that lesson sooner because I think I would have been a happier person. We are all doing the best we can in what ever moment we're in. Even those moments where we feel like we can't do anything/be anything/feel anything, I firmly believe that just breathing is enough. It's good enough. We try as hard as we can and even if that doesn't measure up by anyone else's' standards of 'enough' it is enough.

Lately, I've been struggling with forgiving others. It doesn't come as easily to me as forgiving myself. I think its because I know what I am, and am not, capable of. We tend to believe that other people should know better and do better than what we can do. I can't look at someone and know for sure that they weren't trying to hurt me. Who wants to forgive someone that purposefully hurt you? Yeah, that would be me, I do. Holding a grudge, being angry, being resentful doesn't do me any good. Most of the time it hurts me, it makes upset, emotional, my stomach will hurt and I'll be pretty miserable. In the past I would find a way to make other people hurting me, my fault. What a shitty way to live right?

Holding a grudge is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.

I firmly believe that. If you think back to something someone did to you, something that to this day bothers you, even though it happened a year ago, three years ago, or five years ago. Do you think the other person even remembers? More than that, do you think they even care? Probably not at all, or at least not as much as you'd like. So what's the point? If you aren't teaching the other person a lesson, if the anger/resentment isn't helping anyone, then why, oh, why, why, would you carry it around with you? Easier said than done, believe me, I know. 

Sometimes we have to just let it "sit" until we are ready to deal with it. 

That might be a few days, maybe months, maybe even years. Sometimes it's too hard to deal with and we have to wait for the tools/people/situations to draw that bitterness out of us. It's a work in progress. I don't expect anyone to fling open their arms with a "Ahhhh!!! I forgive everyone!" and have it work. Although, if you try it and it does please tell me.

I've been doing this exercise from Loise L. Hay's book You Can Heal Your Life, where you say out-loud, "The person I need to forgive is _____ and I forgive you for ____". Sounds silly right? Maybe, but it works. You'd be surprised of how many little grudges you are holding on to, or how many things that you thought you'd never forgive that you suddenly realize just don't matter anymore. 

I was doing this exercise when I went to say I forgave someone for something that happened last year. This thing was a big event in my life and it hurt me in a lot of ways. I remember thinking, at the time, that I was never going to get over it, definitely never going to forgive it, and it was pretty much going to haunt me forever as this big statement of why people don't love me and I suck. I said the person's name and I started to say the situation and then I was like "Waaaaaaaiiiit. I'm over that!" Honestly more than that I'm thankful for it. 

Usually the toughest situations inspire the most growth and boy did I grow. 

Kinda hard to hold a grudge after realizing how much of a better person it made me.

For me, the hardest thing about forgiveness is feeling like you are giving other people permission to treat you badly.

If you forgive everyone for every bad/hurtful/horrible thing that they do to you, over and over again, won't they keep doing it? Honestly yes, they probably will. If it is a pattern that they exhibit, then no amount of forgiveness is going to fix them. They need to fix themselves. Which is why you need to look at why you're allowing yourself to be in that person's orbit. If someone is hurting you on purpose, forgiveness does not mean acceptance. It doesn't mean you condone it. It just means you have to look inside yourself and figure out why you think you need to stick around and be treated like that. Hard task? You wouldn't think so, but it is. Forgiveness is for YOU it is not for them.

Hopefully this provided some insight on forgiveness and let you know that if it is something that you struggle with, you aren't the only one. So I challenge everyone to look at themselves and find a little forgiveness, be it for yourself or someone else.

Love love love to you.

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